O weeping muse - new title - Madness Options

[saore]

revision #2 thanks to Sylvia and Snow.




O weeping muse

Weeping muse...
you make me fall
into a thick misty river,
the tundra where my poems gather.

Madness enters on the wind,
the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
its eyes seek mine
in despair.

O my first dead—
Which winter squall
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the gravesite where all spit
their epitaphs?


Revision 1 - thanks to Eisa


O weeping muse
you make me fall
into a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters with the wind,
the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
his eyes seek mine.

O my first dead,
which winter squall
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?


Original

O weeping muse
you make me fall
through a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters through the wind
like the jolt of a wild animal
rising from a spasm.

O my first dead,
what winter squall
carries my disordered
pages, the shroud of tears
we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?

[Eisa]

Hi Sergio

It's so good to see you at MM again.

I love the vivid images you have created here.

O weeping muse
you make me fall
through a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters through the wind
like the jolt of a wild animal
rising from a spasm.


Mmm... I think my muse is weeping too.

I notice you have 2 through's repeated in close proximity

you make me fall
through a thick misty river

Madness enters through the wind

I think perhaps this might sound better:

you make me fall
into a thick misty river

or perhaps

Madness enters with/on the wind



O my first dead,
what winter squall
carries my disordered
pages, the shroud of tears
we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?

Does - which winter squall sound better? I'm not sure. Anyway - take or toss anything I have said. It's very good to read you again.

Snow