Survival *** (a new ending) Options

[Eisa]

I've changed the ending here. Wally thought that it needed a different end, but his suggestion didn't fit with my intentions. However I've thought about this and come up with an ending that I feel fits in with my way of thinking.





Survival (with new ending)

I wait
......... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
while odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
..........I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath
as rhythmic muscles draw him through my jaws.

Though camouflaged in shadows, distant howls
disturb my rest, I sense a passing beast
Gliding away I hear his sudden growl -
raccoon returns to claim
.......................................me as his feast.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Survival

I wait
... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
while unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
as odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
... I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath,
while muscle rhythms draw him through my jaws.

Engorged, I glide towards a hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast;
inside a cave I curl, yet heed them pace
outside, as I digest my rattus feast.

[Psyche]

Hi Eisa!
So glad you dragged this one out of the archives. I hadn't seen it. It's indeed a highly original piece that draws the reader into a world not generally known, except by nature watchers such as Wally and Maureen. I'm also a nature lover but I'm wary of snakes, having been warned as a child not to walk in tall grasses without a stick to wade through them safely.

Nearly all horses are afraid of snakes. I once had to allow my horse to rear up, swerving sharply away from some suspicious undergrowth and then set off at a fast pace, its skin quivering with fear. I managed OK and didn't fall off, the trick is to let it have some rein to get away fast, but not too much either. Horses panic more if they feel they can't avert danger. Anyway, something like that...

[q uote name='Eisa' date='May 27 13, 18:04 ' post='132103']
I've dragged this out of the archives and made a few changes.


Survival

I wait
... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide <<<<<Great opening line!!
as unsuspecting creatures forage near. <<<< Yes, it should be easy to get rid of one 'as'.

My escalating hunger won't subside
as odours saturate the atmosphere. <<<<<< No more nits, fine S!!

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue. <<<<< Perfect, deftly handled.

Strike!
... I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath, <<<<< I like 'taste' his final breath.

while muscle rhythms draw him through my jaws. <<<<<<Such movement, what a great pace your poem takes on here!

Engorged, I glide towards a hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast;
inside a cave I curl, yet heed them pace
outside, as I digest my rattus feast. <<<<<wild creatures are seldom relaxed. They're all prey to some other bird or animal. I can imagine the snake digesting his rat, but with all his senses alert. Wow!

[/quote]

IMO, this is an exceptional poem. I see Wally's point, but this is a purely 'out in the wild' piece, your snake isn't taking advantage of human beings' garbage, which is certainly a danger in towns and cities. This is between the snake and the rat. Period. And the ambience doesn't call for lessons on rubbish and food chains. Just my opinion.

Wally, I like your version of that S, as an example, but that would be going down another road. A bit complicated. I believe Snow has shown us a part of nature, one that we can reflect on from many aspects, without metaphors or similes.

I have thought a little about the title, whether it's confusing or not, but can't come up with any suggestions right now. All in all, a masterful piece.

Hugs,
Syl***