Survival *** (a new ending) Options

[Eisa]

I've changed the ending here. Wally thought that it needed a different end, but his suggestion didn't fit with my intentions. However I've thought about this and come up with an ending that I feel fits in with my way of thinking.





Survival (with new ending)

I wait
......... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
while odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
..........I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath
as rhythmic muscles draw him through my jaws.

Though camouflaged in shadows, distant howls
disturb my rest, I sense a passing beast
Gliding away I hear his sudden growl -
raccoon returns to claim
.......................................me as his feast.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Survival

I wait
... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
while unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
as odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
... I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath,
while muscle rhythms draw him through my jaws.

Engorged, I glide towards a hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast;
inside a cave I curl, yet heed them pace
outside, as I digest my rattus feast.

[Thoth]

Hi Snow

Thanks for the explanation, corn snakes make cool pets as they are generally good natured although my nephew has one that is really nasty. Interestingly, non-venomous snakes are often more aggressive than their lethal cousins. I am a wildlife enthusiast having grown up in the African bushveld. (even my daughter became a game ranger) and I have written much on nature conservation subjects so I do understand a little about snakes which occupy a vital niche in the ecosystem.

Please may I explain the sort of thing I had in mind by taking a small liberty with your poem. For example, if the last verse were constructed roughly as follows:

“Engorged, I rest within my hiding place.
Out there, in ignorance they pass me by
discarding scraps. The filth from one rat-race
attracts another - which is my supply.”

This unexpectedly introduces the exterior scene where up to now we have been drawn in closely to the snakes environment. People pacing the street, above are (in the serpent’s opinion) simply lower down in the food chain. However if they discover him he will be killed.

Suddenly, the reader is left with horrifying thought that there is a sub-world beneath his feet where rodents and reptiles all thrive on human waste. The lesson is; don’t leave garbage around that may attract unwanted pests. (Note the shrouded metaphore and duality to stimulate thought while not directly making any rude accusations.)

I hope this sheds some light on my previous comments and gives your scaly muse some food for thought.

Hugz

Wal