50 Seconds of Fame *(miniscule revision), **** Critique appreciated Options

[JustDaniel]

50 Seconds of Fame

Bang! Gary strides ahead.
Second turn, out 5 yards
Breaks for the inside,
gracefully leading the pack.

My countdown begins.
I pace nervously, dancing.

Straightaway. Jim crouches, ready
20, 10, GO! Reach back!
Uproar . . . 5 additional yards!
Switch hands, stretch, go!

Just 90 seconds now
Body-twists, deep breaths

Frank to the line
Watch the mark, 4 steps
Don’t look!
Applause, yelling . . . 6 more yards!

Sweat pants off, shirt to Gary
Breathe, stretch, relax
More dancing, hands shaking

All alone at the corner!
Ready, tension . . . he hits the mark!
Step, step, step, step, twist, grab, go.
Everyone standing . . . perfect pass.
20 yards becomes 25.
Hold on. Push . . . a rush
Fear, chills, flashes
Cheers . . . a tear?

Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch
Reach deep, stretch long.
Don’t look back!
Ignore the pain!
100 yards of corner, dig
Use momentum; accelerate.

Everything . . . no one . . . alone
sound suspended, slow motion.
Tape extended! Dig in, push, chest out . . .

Screaming! Yessss
Arms flailing, hands to my head
Coast to a staggering walk
Hugs, shouts, a victory lap together.
“3.6 seconds off Tacoma's City record!”

50 seconds of fame in 1963 . . .
now gone, yet vivid, forever.

© MLee Dickens'son


*revision: last line added ",yet vivid,"

[Psyche]

Hi Daniel,

I'm so glad I clicked on your poem! I was intrigued by the title, of course, so here I am...and yes, it brings back memories of myself participating in relay races in high-shool

I don't think we said 'baton', in Spanish one calls it 'posta' and I honestly don't recall whether we competed in English or Spanish...LOL... Perhaps Eira would know the British name, but never mind that

The fact is that you've invited the reader in to enjoy the exhilaration of these races, bringing back faraway memories to us older ones, but it must work for everybody, I'm sure

Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch
Reach deep, stretch long.
Don’t look back!
Ignore the pain!
100 yards of corner, dig
Use momentum; accelerate.

The above is only one example of what I like about FV. The use of repetition, words that partially rhyme

Reach deep

, etc. And the free use of exclamation marks...LOL...I'm often told off on that issue.

I see that you think you should clarify the actual EVENT. Perhaps you'd feel better doing that, for your own sake, which is quite valid. All the same, it's cool when readers can connect to several events of similar characteristics, IHMO.

Everything . . . no one . . . alone
sound suspended, slow motion.
Tape extended! Dig in, push, chest out . . .

Above, I take it that the runner (you) feels that the finishing tape appears to be extended further away? Great stanza

I'm so glad I dropped in here. I shall faint if I click reply and it doesn't work...LOL...I spent a long time the other day, thinking that my PC or my brain had some sort of virus

Peter has done a great job and is still watching, we must be grateful for his invaluable help. Lori, understandably, was terribly upset. Fancy chinese hackers breaking in here

Bye and cheers,
Syl***
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[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel,

I'm so glad I clicked on your poem! I was intrigued by the title, of course, so here I am...and yes, it brings back memories of myself participating in relay races in high-shool

I'm doubly pleased that you dropped in as well, Syl!

I don't think we said 'baton', in Spanish one calls it 'posta' and I honestly don't recall whether we competed in English or Spanish...LOL... Perhaps Eira would know the British name, but never mind that

Is the word perhaps el bastón or el testigo ?

The fact is that you've invited the reader in to enjoy the exhilaration of these races, bringing back faraway memories to us older ones, but it must work for everybody, I'm sure [ Thanks, Syl! ]

Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch
Reach deep, stretch long.
Don’t look back!
Ignore the pain!
100 yards of corner, dig
Use momentum; accelerate.

The above is only one example of what I like about FV. The use of repetition, words that partially rhyme

Reach deep, etc. [ I'm still a novice with FV, so your feedback about this is encouraging! ]

And the free use of exclamation marks...LOL...I'm often told off on that issue. [ I suppose I get carried away myself !!!!! ]

I see that you think you should clarify the actual EVENT. Perhaps you'd feel better doing that, for your own sake, which is quite valid. All the same, it's cool when readers can connect to several events of similar characteristics, IHMO. [ I appreciate your point on this. ]

Everything . . . no one . . . alone
sound suspended, slow motion.
Tape extended! Dig in, push, chest out . . .

Above, I take it that the runner (you) feels that the finishing tape appears to be extended further away? Great stanza [ Thanks for that interpretation. Very interesting. The person who 'extends the tape' is the winner, since his chest hit it first. In this case, we were more than 30 yards ahead at the end, so the winner was rather obvious! ]

I'm so glad I dropped in here. I shall faint if I click reply and it doesn't work...LOL...I spent a long time the other day, thinking that my PC or my brain had some sort of virus [ Believe me, you were not alone in that experience. Apart from comments on others', I lost an entire poem of my own creation for which I had not back-up copy! ]

Peter has done a great job and is still watching, [ ... and I hope that ALL of us are appreciative of this; I certainly am! Thanks, Peter! ] we must be grateful for his invaluable help. Lori, understandably, was terribly upset. Fancy chinese hackers breaking in here [ ... and Lori acted immediately once she knew what was going on. We're all grateful... and many here didn't even realize that there had been a problem! ]

Bye and cheers, Syl***

deLighting in your sharing so generously... - Daniel