Faded Layers, Wizard Award Winner Options

[Eisa]

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

Faded Layers


I frown at my reflection wistfully
and recognise my bloom’s become debris.
Instead, my mother gazes back; in truth,
maturity replaced my tender youth.
Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe
to shroud my inmost self. I can’t escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for she’s designed
this puckered faded fashion, so maligned.


Time’s fingers frayed my visage … I accept
the ravages she wreaked, for they reflect
life’s stormy waters, where no calm appears
to shape persona through tempestuous tears.
I rummage through the rustiness of life
to trace the winding tracks that turn to strife.
Determination’s pushed me to pursue
my problems, hiding battle scars from view.


As seasons change, I face them …  unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.
Inside I may be bruised with wounds from war,
yet I’ve survived to stretch my wings and soar.
So mirror image, though you may displease
when dusty covers are removed; just ease
my faded layers back to look behind …
a stronger fabric shows … my mellow mind!

[Eisa]

I frown at my reflection wistfully i would put the adverb, "wistfully" right after "I"

If I put wistfully after I it would destroy the iambic meter of the line and also take the rhyme away.

and recognise my bloom’s become debris.
Instead, my mother gazes back; in truth,
maturity has replaced my tender youth.
Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe this is a little bit of a wierd image for me.  i don't like crepe material & would not associate it with youth.  silk, however, i like & i like that you are using it with maturity, but you seem to contradict your goal here.
to shroud my inmost self. I can’t "cannot" sounds better to me escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for she’s designed
this puckered faded fashion, so maligned.

Perhaps I have not made this clear, but what I am trying to say is that

[b]the soft silk of youth has been exchanged for a crinkled crepe of an aging face.


It is soft silk that represents youth and crepe that represents age.
At my age I can tell you I don't like crinkled crepe either LOL

Time’s fingers frayed my visage … I accept
the ravages she wreaked, for they reflect
life’s stormy waters, where no calm appears
to shape persona through tempestuous tears.
I rummage through the rustiness of life
to trace the winding tracks that turn to strife.
Determination’s pushed me to pursue
my problems, hiding battle scars from view.
i question the language used here, about pursuing your problems.  heck, why would you want to do that?  i think you really mean to say that you are pursuing the solutions to your problems

Well what I meant here by pursuing problems, is the problems that have no solutions ... eg ... my eldest son is autistic and my mother has alzheimer's. There is no solution to their problems ... only acceptance. I'll think on another way of saying that.

As seasons change, I face them …  unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.
Inside I may be bruised with wounds from war,
yet I’ve survived to stretch my wings and soar.
So mirror image, though you may displease
when dusty covers are removed; just ease
my faded layers back to look behind …
a stronger fabric shows … my mellow mind!
i don't like the word "mellow" here.  it's the only thing in this stanza that doesn't seem right and it's at the end & destracts from, well, the whole poem.  i understand what you're trying to say with it, but maybe find a better choice.  i think feelings can be mellow, but not the mind.

Well I did look up the meaning of the word `mellow' carefully before usuing it, and it relates to a mature personality... so I feel that mind and personality are intermingled. The dictionary also talks of `mellow' wisdom which indicates the mind. If I find a word I think suits my meaning better I will use it, but til then I'm stuck with mellow.

i think this is a terrific start!  thank you for sharing it.

deb

Hi Deb

Thanks for giving me plenty to think about here  

Snow