THE WAITING GAME [revised], Free Verse Options

[Maureen]

Revised Version

THE WAITING GAME


Evening shadows crept into the courtyard.

Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams,
Cerulean blue, jade green and gold
colours like a stained glass window
gleamed from her peacock feather fan.


She waited patiently – there was no rush.

Wind chimes broken reeds
tinkled in the evening breeze
as calmly, she daintily drank jasmine tea
from a delicate porcelain cup.

She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo.

The moons silver fingers caressed the moon gate,
hovered over the fallen arch
and rested lingeringly on her lover's face.
Ancient walls silently watched and waited
as did she.

Maureen Clifford ©
the Scribbly Bark Poet.






THE WAITING GAME

Evening shadows crept silently into the courtyard.

Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams,
her elegant fan of peacock feathers gleamed
like a stained glass window.
Cerulean blue, jade green and gold.

She waited patiently – there was no rush.

The broken reeds of the wind chimes
tinkled in the evening breeze.
Calmly she daintily drank jasmine tea
from a delicate porcelain cup.

She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo.

Shadows cast by the moonlight
drifted over the fallen arch of the moon gate
and her lover's face.

The ancient walls were used to waiting,
and so was she.

Maureen Clifford ©

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Maureen,

I enjoyed the intrigue in this poem. I admit that I am not overly comfortable critiquing free verse poems, so bear with me. I'll keep it light. I tend to be more of a minimalist in fv so thought I would throw out this suggestion: since the reader can interpret that peacock feathers are elegant and fan out - might you consider deleting 'elegant fan of' ?
[delete]

Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams, --> OR Lit by moonbeams' silvery glow
her [elegant fan of] peacock feathers gleamed
like a stained glass window.
Cerulean blue, jade green and gold.

She waited patiently – there was no rush. --> Perhaps italize this line?

Here, I suggest deleting both 'the's in L1:
[The] Broken reeds of [the] wind chimes
tinkled in the evening breeze.
Calmly{,} she daintily drank jasmine tea
from a delicate porcelain cup.

She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo. --> Perhaps italize this line?

Shadows cast by the moonlight --> OR Moonlight's shadows
drifted over the fallen arch of the moon gate --> This is a bit bumpy and wordy
and her lover's face.

The ancient walls were used to waiting,
and so was she.

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo