Last Supper *** (revision + tweaks) Options

[Eisa]

I have revised this using Merlin's suggestion for formatting.
Also, a few tweaks a: Lori's suggestion
b: I've brought the cricket in later, hopefully keeping the surprise until the end lines. Also missed out 'crunch' as it might give away the cricket too early.

Last Supper

Oblivious to fate,
they gorge on carrots
and thirst quenching fruit,
before being thrust
into the leopard’s den.

In a shadowy niche,
the predator
lurks --
......... stirs
as prey scuttles near.
Eyes wide he watches,
..........begins to stalk.
Excited,
tail trembling
.........he pounces!

Shaping a smile,
his mouth is loaded
......as legs wriggle,
..............guts ooze
a cricket feast
for my leopard gecko.


-----------------------------------------------
Last Supper

Oblivious to fate's hand
they gorge until stuffed
on carrots
and thirst quenching fruit,
before being thrust
into the leopard’s den.

In a dark niche, the predator
lurks -- stirs as prey scuttles near.
Eyes wide he watches,
begins to stalk.
Excited,
tail trembling
he pounces …
crunch!

Shaping a smile,
his mouth is loaded
with cricket
legs wriggling,
guts oozing --
a wholesome feast
for my leopard gecko.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow,

Ooh I luv this! The title suggests something different (since I was thinking religion) and it was a treat to read this!

I do like the changes to the "shape" - it's more pleasing to the eye. My one nit is here with S1L2:
Oblivious to fate's hand, they gorge
until stuffed on carrots
and thirst quenching fruit,
before being thrust
into the leopard’s den.

I feel that gorge is self sustaining and that you could delete 'until stuffed' and still come to the same meaning.

Oblivious to fate's hand, they gorge
on carrots
and thirst-quenching fruit,
before being thrust
into the leopard’s den.

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo