 Last Supper *** (revision + tweaks) |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse
 Apr 9 13, 08:34
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
I have revised this using Merlin's suggestion for formatting.
Also, a few tweaks a: Lori's suggestion b: I've brought the cricket in later, hopefully keeping the surprise until the end lines. Also missed out 'crunch' as it might give away the cricket too early. Last Supper Oblivious to fate, they gorge on carrots and thirst quenching fruit, before being thrust into the leopard’s den. In a shadowy niche, the predator lurks -- ......... stirs as prey scuttles near. Eyes wide he watches, ..........begins to stalk. Excited, tail trembling .........he pounces! Shaping a smile, his mouth is loaded ......as legs wriggle, ..............guts ooze a cricket feast for my leopard gecko. ----------------------------------------------- Last Supper Oblivious to fate's hand they gorge until stuffed on carrots and thirst quenching fruit, before being thrust into the leopard’s den. In a dark niche, the predator lurks -- stirs as prey scuttles near. Eyes wide he watches, begins to stalk. Excited, tail trembling he pounces … crunch! Shaping a smile, his mouth is loaded with cricket legs wriggling, guts oozing -- a wholesome feast for my leopard gecko. ·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
  
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Apr 9 13, 15:45
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 19,923 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
I love the twist in the end... the revelation of the KIND of leopard this is! - a gecko!
I don't see any change necessary in this my friend, but you know how little I know about free verse. deLighting in the light verse, Daniel  P.S. It occurs to me that I have to hope that the gecko's prey was not the cricket couple that I just wrote about in the challenge forum: Song on the Wing ······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
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Apr 16 13, 15:37
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Apr 9 13, 21:45 )  I love the twist in the end... the revelation of the KIND of leopard this is! - a gecko! I don't see any change necessary in this my friend, but you know how little I know about free verse. deLighting in the light verse, Daniel P.S. It occurs to me that I have to hope that the gecko's prey was not the cricket couple that I just wrote about in the challenge forum: Song on the Wing Glad you liked the twist at the end, Daniel. I also liked your Song on the Wing  Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Posts in this topic
Eisa Last Supper *** (revision + tweaks) Apr 9 13, 08:34 
Blank_Canvas LOL what a relief it was only crickets...I was v... Apr 9 13, 09:14 
Eisa QUOTE (Blank_Canvas @ Apr 9 13, 15:14 ) L... Apr 9 13, 14:02 Merlin Hello Eira,
Here I am again! But ya never kn... Apr 9 13, 17:56 Thoth Hello Snow
Yes, it put a smile on my face. Thank ... Apr 11 13, 08:10 Maureen G'day Eisa
Obviously your geckos must be a lo... Apr 12 13, 17:10 Eisa QUOTE (Maureen @ Apr 12 13, 23:10 ) G... Apr 16 13, 15:54 Eisa Hi Merlin
It's always great to have your thou... Apr 16 13, 15:42 Eisa Glad this made you smile, Wally.
Snow Apr 16 13, 15:43 Merlin I like that revision, Eira. It adds suspense, met... Apr 16 13, 19:23 Eisa QUOTE (Merlin @ Apr 17 13, 01:23 ) I like... Apr 18 13, 15:05 Cleo_Serapis Hi Snow,
Ooh I luv this! The title suggests ... Apr 16 13, 20:10 Eisa Thanks Lori
I did wonder about stuffed and gorged... Apr 18 13, 15:09 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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