 50 Seconds of Fame *(miniscule revision), **** Critique appreciated |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse
 Apr 15 13, 12:46
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 19,923 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
50 Seconds of Fame
Bang! Gary strides ahead. Second turn, out 5 yards Breaks for the inside, gracefully leading the pack. My countdown begins. I pace nervously, dancing. Straightaway. Jim crouches, ready 20, 10, GO! Reach back! Uproar . . . 5 additional yards! Switch hands, stretch, go! Just 90 seconds now Body-twists, deep breaths Frank to the line Watch the mark, 4 steps Don’t look! Applause, yelling . . . 6 more yards! Sweat pants off, shirt to Gary Breathe, stretch, relax More dancing, hands shaking All alone at the corner! Ready, tension . . . he hits the mark! Step, step, step, step, twist, grab, go. Everyone standing . . . perfect pass. 20 yards becomes 25. Hold on. Push . . . a rush Fear, chills, flashes Cheers . . . a tear? Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch Reach deep, stretch long. Don’t look back! Ignore the pain! 100 yards of corner, dig Use momentum; accelerate. Everything . . . no one . . . alone sound suspended, slow motion. Tape extended! Dig in, push, chest out . . . Screaming! Yessss Arms flailing, hands to my head Coast to a staggering walk Hugs, shouts, a victory lap together. “3.6 seconds off Tacoma's City record!” 50 seconds of fame in 1963 . . . now gone, yet vivid, forever. © MLee Dickens'son *revision: last line added ",yet vivid," ·······  ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
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Apr 16 13, 10:59
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Daniel,
I also liked the active tone of this, I felt like I used to when I listen to the games on the radio. I still do not think anything can surpass that feeling one gets when following a baseball game over the radio... it rekindles our passion. However, I wasn't so sure of what sport, I am more inclined to think of some sort of marathon or race and I felt this worked on many levels. The ending, left me thinking ... 50 seconds of fame actually lasts a life time, and is never gone for the ones that accomplished it. I've no nits or suggestions at this time. I absolutely enjoyed the fast pace in the read and didn't find any stumbles along the way to slow me down. Blessings, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
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Posts in this topic
JustDaniel 50 Seconds of Fame *(miniscule revision) Apr 15 13, 12:46 
Maureen The excitement in this piece is tangible, you can ... Apr 15 13, 20:44 JustDaniel Hey, Maureen and Liz...
Thank you both for your v... Apr 16 13, 11:10 AMETHYST Hey Daniel,
Actually, I never had experiences wi... Apr 16 13, 11:21 
JustDaniel QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Apr 16 13, 12:21 ) Hey ... May 7 13, 10:46 Psyche Hi Daniel,
I'm so glad I clicked on your poem... Apr 23 13, 16:29 JustDaniel QUOTE (Psyche @ Apr 23 13, 17:29 ) Hi Dan... May 7 13, 11:06 Larry Hi Daniel,
I don't usually comment on free ve... Apr 25 13, 08:34 JustDaniel QUOTE (Larry @ Apr 25 13, 09:34 ) Hi Dani... May 7 13, 11:13 JustDaniel Hey, Larry...
You never answered my question... Feb 7 17, 16:03 Larry Hi Daniel,
Wow, a blast from the past. Like I sa... Feb 8 17, 23:21 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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