Last Supper *** (revision + tweaks) Options

[Eisa]

I have revised this using Merlin's suggestion for formatting.
Also, a few tweaks a: Lori's suggestion
b: I've brought the cricket in later, hopefully keeping the surprise until the end lines. Also missed out 'crunch' as it might give away the cricket too early.

Last Supper

Oblivious to fate,
they gorge on carrots
and thirst quenching fruit,
before being thrust
into the leopard’s den.

In a shadowy niche,
the predator
lurks --
......... stirs
as prey scuttles near.
Eyes wide he watches,
..........begins to stalk.
Excited,
tail trembling
.........he pounces!

Shaping a smile,
his mouth is loaded
......as legs wriggle,
..............guts ooze
a cricket feast
for my leopard gecko.


-----------------------------------------------
Last Supper

Oblivious to fate's hand
they gorge until stuffed
on carrots
and thirst quenching fruit,
before being thrust
into the leopard’s den.

In a dark niche, the predator
lurks -- stirs as prey scuttles near.
Eyes wide he watches,
begins to stalk.
Excited,
tail trembling
he pounces …
crunch!

Shaping a smile,
his mouth is loaded
with cricket
legs wriggling,
guts oozing --
a wholesome feast
for my leopard gecko.

[Merlin]

Hello Eira,

Here I am again! But ya never know with the Wizard...

Free Verse, a name I don't fully like except that it allows freedom. My choice of wording is "open form" but I'll use the FV abb.

FV allows you to do as you please, without the limitations of fixed verse. That's great, but I found that it presented a whole range of different opportunities to master in order to keep poetry and not chopped verse or worse. Here's my tuppence worth >>>

The title - I'd advise choosing another since this one is too recognizable as those pictures on the wall. My take is not to use one so well known, as Gone with the Wind, For Whom the Bell Tolls, etc, which are their own.

FV - since you wrote it, it's perfect the way you want it. You have the right.

If you wish to do revisions, I would suggest attention to line breaks. They are extremely important, here in FV since there is no defined meter. Line breaks serve a number of functions - they give the reader time to breathe, especially reading Sandburg or Og Nash. They give the writer the power of impact, suspense, emotion, and more. They are used for effect.
When looking at your verse, which is more effective, below?

Oblivious to fate's hand
they gorge until stuffed
on carrots (original)

Oblivious to fate's hand, they gorge
until stuffed on carrots (da Wizard)

In a dark niche, the predator
lurks -- stirs as prey scuttles near.
Eyes wide he watches,
begins to stalk. (original)

In a cool, damp, dark niche,
the predator
lurks --
............stirs as prey scuttles near. (use tab, here color out dots)
Eyes wide he watches,
............begins to stalk. (ibid) (W again)

Whichever gives the most suspense, emotion, or what you choose.

There tis, hope I've given you a cricket or 2 to crunch on.

Merlin