Faded Layers, Wizard Award Winner Options

[Eisa]

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

Faded Layers


I frown at my reflection wistfully
and recognise my bloom’s become debris.
Instead, my mother gazes back; in truth,
maturity replaced my tender youth.
Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe
to shroud my inmost self. I can’t escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for she’s designed
this puckered faded fashion, so maligned.


Time’s fingers frayed my visage … I accept
the ravages she wreaked, for they reflect
life’s stormy waters, where no calm appears
to shape persona through tempestuous tears.
I rummage through the rustiness of life
to trace the winding tracks that turn to strife.
Determination’s pushed me to pursue
my problems, hiding battle scars from view.


As seasons change, I face them …  unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.
Inside I may be bruised with wounds from war,
yet I’ve survived to stretch my wings and soar.
So mirror image, though you may displease
when dusty covers are removed; just ease
my faded layers back to look behind …
a stronger fabric shows … my mellow mind!

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi snow,

i quite agree with my fellow poets.  i love the language you use to evoke the emotions of reflection.

but i do have a couple of suggestions:

I frown at my reflection wistfully i would put the adverb, "wistfully" right after "I"
and recognise my bloom’s become debris.
Instead, my mother gazes back; in truth,
maturity has replaced my tender youth.
Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe this is a little bit of a wierd image for me.  i don't like crepe material & would not associate it with youth.  silk, however, i like & i like that you are using it with maturity, but you seem to contradict your goal here.
to shroud my inmost self. I can’t "cannot" sounds better to me escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for she’s designed
this puckered faded fashion, so maligned.


Time’s fingers frayed my visage … I accept
the ravages she wreaked, for they reflect
life’s stormy waters, where no calm appears
to shape persona through tempestuous tears.
I rummage through the rustiness of life
to trace the winding tracks that turn to strife.
Determination’s pushed me to pursue
my problems, hiding battle scars from view.
i question the language used here, about pursuing your problems.  heck, why would you want to do that?  i think you really mean to say that you are pursuing the solutions to your problems


As seasons change, I face them …  unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.
Inside I may be bruised with wounds from war,
yet I’ve survived to stretch my wings and soar.
So mirror image, though you may displease
when dusty covers are removed; just ease
my faded layers back to look behind …
a stronger fabric shows … my mellow mind!
i don't like the word "mellow" here.  it's the only thing in this stanza that doesn't seem right and it's at the end & destracts from, well, the whole poem.  i understand what you're trying to say with it, but maybe find a better choice.  i think feelings can be mellow, but not the mind.

i think this is a terrific start!  thank you for sharing it.

deb