Karma, Sept Challenge - SQ/Sonnet Options

[Larry]

1st Revision (hope it's the last too!)

Karma

Upon the scroll of time a legend lies,
inscribed as if by Winter’s silver rime,
which maps the past or tells of our demise.
A legend lies upon the scroll of time
in shadowed script. A swirl of pinnate lines
portray a path from womb to marble crypt:
Arcane calligraphy of Fate’s designs?
A swirl of pinnate lines in shadowed script
like veins within a leaf, our lives construed.
Portents of birth and death, or joy and grief
revealed; like dregs in cups a Seer brewed.
Our lives, construed like veins within a leaf;
or so it seemed. Of Karma I once dreamed…
Of Karma I once dreamed or so it seemed.


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Karma

Upon the scroll of time a legend lays,
inscribed as if by Winter’s silver rime,
which maps the past and tells of future days.
A legend lays upon the scroll of time
in shadowed script. A swirl of pinnate lines
forming a path from womb to marble crypt:
Arcane calligraphy of Fate’s designs?
A swirl of pinnate lines in shadowed script
like veins within a leaf, our lives construed.
Portents of birth and death, or joy and grief
revealed; like dregs in cups a Seer brewed.
Our lives, construed like veins within a leaf;
or so it seemed. Karma’s what I once dreamed…
Karma’s what I once dreamed or so it seemed.


Words used: scroll, shadow(ed), marble, brew(ed), leaf

[Eisa]

Hi Larry - good to see you here.

This is great - not just a SQ but a sonnet too. I've yet to get my head round and try one!

I have a couple of thoughts - take or toss!

Upon the scroll of time a legend lays,
inscribed as if by Winter’s silver rime,
which maps the past and tells of future days.
A legend lays upon the scroll of time
in shadowed script. A swirl of pinnate lines
forming a path from womb to marble crypt:

I stumbled a little on 'forming' on first read - but not so much on second read. I wonder if something like

A swirl of pinnate lines
creates a path from womb to marble crypt:

might be an alternative

Arcane calligraphy of Fate’s designs?
A swirl of pinnate lines in shadowed script
like veins within a leaf, our lives construed.
Portents of birth and death, or joy and grief
revealed; like dregs in cups a Seer brewed.
Our lives, construed like veins within a leaf;
or so it seemed. Karma’s what I once dreamed…
Karma’s what I once dreamed or so it seemed.

I also stumbled on 'Kama's what I once dreamed' - it's the end of this line that seems awkward and it seems dificult to remedy.
Perhaps something like

or so it seemed. My Karma’s what I'd dreamed…
My Karma’s what I'd dreamed or so it seemed.

or perhaps you can think of a rplacement for 'my'

Hope something helps

Snow