The View, Finally Something NEW Options

[AMETHYST]

****Revision 1*****

you haunt -
from shadows beyond,
that thick mist
where I lost you -

I walk along
cobblestone paths
toward the castle
you've prepared

cutting my way
through the fog
with the razor-sharp edge
of your memory.



****Original****

The View


you haunt
from shadows beyond,
that thick mist
where I lost you -

I walk
cobblestone paths
toward the castle
you've prepared

cutting my way
through the fog
with the razor-sharp edge
of your memory.

[Eisa]

Oh Liz - this is beautiful - poignant. I always say that when we lose our muse - it returns even better, and reading this I stand by that.

On reading this a number of times, I feel it is really good as it stands ... but here are a few points to chew over.

The View

I think perhaps you could find a better title to draw the reader in.

you haunt
from shadows beyond,
that thick mist
where I lost you -


This is a great beginning – mysterious and poignant.
L2 – I’m not sure that the comma is needed at the end.

I walk
cobblestone paths
toward the castle
you've prepared

L1 – perhaps - I walk along

cutting my way
through the fog
with the razor-sharp edge
of your memory.

L1 – might be a little cliché – don’t know?
Perhaps : slicing my way?

The last line is somehow unexpected – and I like that.

Well done, Liz! You're back on track!

Hugs
Snow