Sojourn ~ Quatrain Refrain, Form Created by me and named by Lori Kantor Options

[AMETHYST]

Another older Poem for last minute revisions -


********Revision 1 *****TY SUE AND SNOW ******

A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting travelers passing by
a welcome refuge from the chill,
and still no one has come inside.

At dusk, her kindled hearth is bright,
a coffee pot is freshly filled
and flakey biscuits served up right;
a candle quivers on the sill.

She sits and stares, as shadows dance
into the ebon evening sky,
in hopes her candle will entrance;
inviting travellers passing by.

It feels like winter never ends
for Beauty Belle has fallen ill,
and yet, she waits to offer friends
a welcome refuge from the chill.

Tonight, no dreams of love's embrace,
her breathless body's calm; Belle died.
No candle burns, no hearth, no grace...
and still no one has come inside.



Sojourn--Quatrain Refrain

A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting all who happen by.
Although so many pass at will,
the doorknob still has not been tried.

At dusk, the hearth is kindled bright,
a pot of coffee freshly filled,
and biscuits baked. Her wick ignites;
a candle quivers on the sill.

She sits and stares, as shadows dance
into the black of midnight sky,
in hopes her flicker will entrance;
inviting all who happen by.

The winter's wind has been no friend
to Beauty Belle, who's fallen ill.
She waits alone till evening's end,
although so many pass at will.

Tonight, no dreams of love's embrace,
her breathless body calm; Belle died.
No candle burns, no hearth, no grace...
the doorknob still has not been tried.

[heartsong7]

Another older Poem for last minute revisions -
you capture the sadness of her lonely life, still hoping till the end for someone to stop and visit. I'm gathering since she's inviting 'all who happen by' that it must be a small inn.
Perhaps it's her way of meeting people? I read once that back when there were few inns for travelers, individual home owners would light a candle in the window so travelers would know they would be welcome to stay.
If that's the intent here, maybe relay that in L2 rather than the generic 'all'

Sojourn--Quatrain Refrain

A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting all who happen by.

Although so many pass at will,... I think 'pass at will' is a bit vague.
the doorknob still has not been tried... here the inner rhyme 'still' is one too many in a short space.
Here's an example of what I'm trying to relay:
"A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting travelers passing by
a welcome refuge from the chill.
no one has stopped or come inside."




At dusk, the hearth is kindled bright, "kindled bright is a bit inverted, doesn't seem a natural way to say there's a fire going. Maybe "the fire burns warm and bright"
a pot of coffee freshly filled,.. this is a bit inverted too. just a small switch to fix. "A coffee pot is freshly filled."

and biscuits baked. Her wick ignites; "biscuits baked is awkward without a verb. "Her wick ignites" I know what you mean, but it sounds like it's she's the wick that ignites. I don't think you even need to mention lighting the candle, when the lit candle appears in the next line.
How about extending the biscuit line: something like, and flaky biscuits baked just right"

a candle quivers on the sill.

She sits and stares, as shadows dance

into the black of midnight sky,.. Unless she's way up some place in the far north, black is not necessary for describing the midnight sky... how about 'starry'?
in hopes her flicker will entrance; this makes it seem as if she is the one flickering. maybe jus 'candle'

inviting all who happen by.

The winter's wind has been no friend ... inner rhyme of wind with friend is too much rhyme. maybe just 'cold'
to Beauty Belle, who's fallen ill.
She waits alone till evening's end,
although so many pass at will.
Now I see I remember why I found these so difficult. There's the 'pass at will' line again and my suggestion from S1 won't fit here unless you juggle friend and end.
Maybe:
It feels like winter never ends
and Beauty Belle has fallen ill,
and yet, she waits to offer friends
a welcome respite from the chill.

Tonight, no dreams of love's embrace,
her breathless body calm; Belle died. you can fix the lack of verb by saying 'body's calm'
No candle burns, no hearth, no grace...
the doorknob still has not been tried.

Sorry, I do seem to have gotten carried away.
As ever, take or toss anything or everything.