Skin on Skin Options

[Eisa]

Here's another oldie (very old) -- just wondering if there were any improvements I can make before it hits the finished drawer.


Skin on Skin

They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged
yet unrequited hungers rage.
Their dance commences; undulations
shed her filmy negligee
to drape the floor. A lithe display
of belly-dancing; titillations.

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;
He sidles closer, starts to nuzzle
-- lost in lust they intertwine
instinctively, physiques combine
dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.

As fervour bubbles to a boil
and overflows; fulfilled they coil
behind their safety glass. I glance,
at you; we share a drink, before
my silk chemise slips on the floor --
a prelude to our mating dance.

-----------------------------------------------

Recent tweaks (thanks Liz)
St1 L3 was 'The dance commences'
Last St L1 was 'Fervour bubbles to a boil'

St2 L3 - have changed slithers to sidles

[JLY]

Snow:

This has a lot of sensuality in it and no matter what species, it is packed with heated moments.

One question for you:
is it: their safety glass

or is it our safety glass? Which one of us needs to be protected?

I am not sure about "puzzle". I know you want to match up with nuzzle, but I do not see anything as being a puzzle. The mating dance is quite apparent to everyone and it ends as it should...I don't really see the mystery in it.

For me, these lines really stand out in both their image and their sound as they roll off my tongue:

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;

A great poem that I think is about ready to cross the finish line.

JLY

[Eisa]

Snow:

This has a lot of sensuality in it and no matter what species, it is packed with heated moments.

One question for you:
is it: their safety glass

or is it our safety glass? Which one of us needs to be protected?

I am not sure about "puzzle". I know you want to match up with nuzzle, but I do not see anything as being a puzzle. The mating dance is quite apparent to everyone and it ends as it should...I don't really see the mystery in it.

For me, these lines really stand out in both their image and their sound as they roll off my tongue:

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;

A great poem that I think is about ready to cross the finish line.

JLY

Hi John

You have made some interesting points which have made me think!

Yes- 'our safety glass' might be more approriate. I'll change that one.

I see your point about 'puzzle' although I was meaning a jigsaw puzzle - dovetailing together. It never struck me that someone might see the other meaning. I'll have to think on that one - get my rhyming head on too!

Thanks for giving me something to chew on!

Snow