Skin on Skin Options

[Eisa]

Here's another oldie (very old) -- just wondering if there were any improvements I can make before it hits the finished drawer.


Skin on Skin

They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged
yet unrequited hungers rage.
Their dance commences; undulations
shed her filmy negligee
to drape the floor. A lithe display
of belly-dancing; titillations.

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;
He sidles closer, starts to nuzzle
-- lost in lust they intertwine
instinctively, physiques combine
dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.

As fervour bubbles to a boil
and overflows; fulfilled they coil
behind their safety glass. I glance,
at you; we share a drink, before
my silk chemise slips on the floor --
a prelude to our mating dance.

-----------------------------------------------

Recent tweaks (thanks Liz)
St1 L3 was 'The dance commences'
Last St L1 was 'Fervour bubbles to a boil'

St2 L3 - have changed slithers to sidles

[AMETHYST]

Hey Snow!!!!

I remember this. I am intrigued by the sensual build up and the change over from spectator to participant - There is wonderful sound movement here that adds a auditorial pleasure when read aloud, and strong images to grasp the readers attention. There are certain word uses that help to define S1's participants as reptilian - I especially felt L4-L6 opens the mind of the reader and gives more depth to S2. The only suggestion (and albeit, not so necessary would be In S1, L3 Perhaps "Their dance commences;) In S3 (My favorite) - I would only suggest L1, "As fervour ..."

Otherwise, this is a keeper. Love it. A strong silhouette of an evening alone, together watching the contrasts of foreplay between the different species between our own and reptilian... A great poem!!!

Big Hugs, Liz

Skin on Skin

They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged
yet unrequited hungers rage.
The dance commences; undulations
shed her filmy negligee
to drape the floor. A lithe display
of belly-dancing; titillations.

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;
He slithers closer, starts to nuzzle
-- lost in lust they intertwine
instinctively, physiques combine
dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.

Fervour bubbles to a boil
and overflows; fulfilled they coil
behind their safety glass. I glance,
at you; we share a drink, before
my silk chemise slips on the floor --
a prelude to our mating dance.