Lover's Meet Again/ Two Views, Spensarian Stanzas Options

[heartsong7]

Lover's Meet Again
Two Views

Revision:

She:
I watched you wrapping life in fantasy
until you lost yourself in make believe.
Appearances took precedence and we
soon parted. I still wonder—did you grieve
at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.
And should we meet again, we won’t retrieve
the newness of the love that we let go.
We are who we’ve become, with memories in tow.


He:
It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; for that I grieve.
The maybes topped with what-ifs made you leave
and I got lost in all I didn’t know.
On meeting once again, we will retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.


Original:

She:
I watched you wrapping life in fantasy
until you lost yourself in make believe.
Appearances took precedence and we
soon parted. I still wonder—did you grieve
at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.
And should we meet again, we won’t retrieve
the newness of the love that we let go.
We are who we’ve become, with memories in tow.


He:
It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; it’s that I grieve.
The maybes topped with what-ifs made you leave
and I got lost in all I didn’t know.
If we’ve another chance, then we’ll retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Sue,

Oh I've missed reading your poetry. I have been your biggest fan for so many years that I often cannot find anything to nit. You are a hard nit to critique ... I loved this the first time I read it, it inspired me to make my own attempts and as I see some changes that polish it off so nicely. I wanted to give a thumbs up on the revision.

I too, felt the change in S2, L7 is a strong revision ... I also might suggest '...we will retrieve' only that in his world of fantasy, the use of 'will' is in direct opposition of her 'won't' that it was emphasize his lack of comprehending the reality of their relationship and expectations. However, it isn't a suggestion that is fully necessary to make this any more delightful and poignant as it is.

God Bless and I MISS YOU!!! Big Hugs, Liz