Lover's Meet Again/ Two Views, Spensarian Stanzas Options

[heartsong7]

Lover's Meet Again
Two Views

Revision:

She:
I watched you wrapping life in fantasy
until you lost yourself in make believe.
Appearances took precedence and we
soon parted. I still wonder—did you grieve
at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.
And should we meet again, we won’t retrieve
the newness of the love that we let go.
We are who we’ve become, with memories in tow.


He:
It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; for that I grieve.
The maybes topped with what-ifs made you leave
and I got lost in all I didn’t know.
On meeting once again, we will retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.


Original:

She:
I watched you wrapping life in fantasy
until you lost yourself in make believe.
Appearances took precedence and we
soon parted. I still wonder—did you grieve
at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.
And should we meet again, we won’t retrieve
the newness of the love that we let go.
We are who we’ve become, with memories in tow.


He:
It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; it’s that I grieve.
The maybes topped with what-ifs made you leave
and I got lost in all I didn’t know.
If we’ve another chance, then we’ll retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sue,

Oh boy! I loved this one before in Karnak and now again here. The subtle changes you've made really sparkle! I like the italics, the last line in 'She' and the last 3 lines in 'He'.

On meeting once again, we could retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.

In reading the original closing, I wasn't too keen on the 'If we’ve another chance, then we’ll retrieve' line because it sounds like "he" is assuming she'll retrieve the love and as we all know in real life, sometimes, as much as it may hurt to admit, that doesn't always result. So I must say that I have no nits - only admiration that you've taken an already lovely work and made it even better. I also took up your challenge back then in Karnak and did a parody of Lara Croft from Tomb Raider and Indiana Jones from Raiders of the Lost Arc...

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo