Succubus, English Sonnet Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Succubus

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain.

[JLY]

Jim,
A very strong offering that is not covered in candy and flowers.

I have one thought for you:

laid bare with every blink – assassin veils. (maybe change to assassin's veil, which would make the rhyme with "pale" fit a little better)

I thought your final two lines were the strongest and summed up your message with a punch to the gut:

Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain.

Enjoyed the read.

JLY

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, JLY,

thanks for stopping by, always appreciated. I can concede your point on 'veil/veils' but there are two eyes and two sets of lashes, I feel that if I use the singular form there it would distract more than the 's' intrusion, particularly given that this should be 'performed'.
Jim