SEAQUAKE (Chile, 2010.), For critiques Options

[Psyche]

Different version...Ignore first one, sorry!
February 23rd., 2011: And now I'm thinking so sadly about Christchurch, New Zealand. Second earthquake in 6 months. My heart goes out to all these people.


SEAQUAKE

A colossus awakes from the deep,
wielding a three-pronged trident.
Temperamental, often sullen,
Poseidon pounds on seabed crusts.
Serpents of molten rock
flip flaming tails at Earth's underbelly.

Concealed beneath placid seas
and marine radiance,
overlapping, shifting plates
thunder and rumble,
molding majestic tidal waves
on which white horses gallop landward
under twinkling stars.

Awesome becomes awful.

Without stopping to knock on doors,
the earthbound behemoth quakes
fragile timber homes,
indifferent to prayers,
ignoring panic in children’s eyes,
the screams of women, resignation
in old men’s countenances.

Trembling with rage and rage’s blindness,
the Olympian swallows remote villages,
venting his fury with the indifference
of elemental forces
sating their hoggish guts.
He topples slatted porches off their stilts,
snaps green painted stairs,
pins bodies inside fleeing cars
on imploded anti-seismic bridges.

Not content with an infinite minute’s
terrifying tremors,
Poseidon dallies for days in lunatic spurts
of chthonic fury.

Before subsiding into Ocean's hush,
he carelessly flings a child’s sandal
into growths of prickly dogrose.

People gaze helplessly
at blue heaps of bodies,
peer under ragged drapings on Nomen nescio.
…spouse? …child? …friends?

An unwritten script wrecks a million
lives, the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest.
The world haphazardly heeds
wails of a distant land emptied of joy.

O fragile web of life!
We acquiesce to ignorance.

Revision: I've removed one line from S1, and changed the wording a little.


- Nomen nescio, L.,; unknown name, no name, N.N.
- S2, L6: Poseidon was believed to gallop landwards in the form of "white horses"
on the crests of waves.


© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010.
All rights reserved.



First Version

TITAN

A phenomenal monster is reborn
when liquid igneous rock in Earth’s belly
allows floating plaques of her lithosphere
to overlap and shift positions.

Concealed ‘neath placid seas,
the colossus thunders and rumbles,
molding majestic tidal waves rushing landward,
illumined by marine radiance
from glittering stars.

Awesome becomes awful.

Without stopping to knock on doors,
the titan’s talons quake
under fragile timber homes,
indifferent to prayers,
ignoring panic in children’s eyes,
the screams of women, resignation
in old men’s countenances.

Trembling with rage and rage’s blindness,
the monster collapses villages,
venting its fury with the indifference
of elemental forces
feeding their bottomless guts.
It topples slatted porches on stilts,
snaps green painted stairs,
pins bodies inside cars
on imploded anti-seismic bridges.

Not content with a minute’s
infinite fearsome tremors,
it dallies for days in lunatic spurts
of chthonic fury.

Before subsiding into virtual hush,
it carelessly flings a child’s sandal
onto a bed of crushed moonflowers
beside blue heaps of bodies.
People search helplessly, peer under
ragged cloths draping Nomen nescio.
…spouse? …child? …friends?

An unwritten script wrecks a million
lives; the world haphazardly heeds
wails of a distant land emptied of joy.

Are the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest,
in blind Darwinian fashion?

O fragile web of life!
We acquiesce to ignorance.

© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2009.

[Larry]

Hi Sylvia,

Been reading your poem off and on for a few days and thought I might add some things to what has already been said in others crits/suggestions. I'm impressed that you posted this so quickly after the devastation.

S1L1 - I agree with leaving out "phenomenal" as most things which are colossal are also phenomenal.
Would you consider using "wakened" or "awakened" for reborn. After all, plate tectonics is just a sleeping giant.

S1L2 - Leave out “igneous” - that describes solidified rock/magma after it cools, therefore it can‘t be boiling.

S1L3 - Please use “plates”; “plaques" are either awards or something you try to keep off your teeth.

S4L2 - I agree with others about Herculean being capitalized. Whether it is an adjective or noun, it is still descriptive of something only Hercules could accomplish.

S4L4 - Semicolon after forces

S4L5 - Perhaps you could use “sating” instead of “quenching” - quenching is more about thirst.

S4L6 - Consider “from their” or "and their" stilts instead of "on stilts"

S4L8 - Could you change this line to read "fleeing cars"? Fleeting is brief or momentary. The cars may be fleet but they are substantial and semi-permanent.

S6L4 - “blue” out - “bruised and bloodied” in - I don't feel "blue bodies" is descriptive enough for such a horrendous catastrophe.

S7L1 - Maybe "Earth's" unwritten script wrecks a million...


I know this is a lot to mull over and hope I didn't offend. As always, take or toss as you please.

Larry

[Psyche]

Hi Larry,

Thanks so much for your detailed critique. My apologies for delay in replying. My husband has been on and off days, keeps me stressed out etc etc etc....You also know about these things.

Hi Sylvia,

Been reading your poem off and on for a few days and thought I might add some things to what has already been said in others crits/suggestions. I'm impressed that you posted this so quickly after the devastation.

The quake was when I was having a bout with pneumonia in summer! Not being able to move from home, I suppose inspiration filled the void. Buenos Aires trembled a little.

S1L1 - I agree with leaving out "phenomenal" as most things which are colossal are also phenomenal.
Would you consider using "wakened" or "awakened" for reborn. After all, plate tectonics is just a sleeping giant.<<<<<< Yes, I will consider these suggestions in my revision. You're right.

S1L2 - Leave out “igneous” - that describes solidified rock/magma after it cools, therefore it can‘t be boiling. <<<<<< OK, but can I fit in 'magma' instead? Will study this, tx.

S1L3 - Please use “plates”; “plaques" are either awards or something you try to keep off your teeth.<<<<<< LOL....That's my 'Spanglish'. In Spanish it's definitely 'placas', i.e., 'plaques'.

S4L2 - I agree with others about Herculean being capitalized. Whether it is an adjective or noun, it is still descriptive of something only Hercules could accomplish. <<<<<<< OK.

S4L4 - Semicolon after forces <<<<<<< I must re-read, I wrote this so long ago!

S4L5 - Perhaps you could use “sating” instead of “quenching” - quenching is more about thirst<<<<Sounds a good idea. Tx again.

S4L6 - Consider “from their” or "and their" stilts instead of "on stilts" <<<<<< All right.

S4L8 - Could you change this line to read "fleeing cars"? Fleeting is brief or momentary. The cars may be fleet but they are substantial and semi-permanent.<<<<<< I love 'fleeting', but if it's wrong, will change.


S6L4 - “blue” out - “bruised and bloodied” in - I don't feel "blue bodies" is descriptive enough for such a horrendous catastrophe.<<<<<< Here I have to disagree. The bods really do become blue & bloated when there's been a tsunami. My poem is about the small villages that received tidal waves, not just the quake. Shall have to see whether I've made that clear enough. The water washes the blood away, plus bruises go blue.

S7L1 - Maybe "Earth's" unwritten script wrecks a million... <<<<<<Could be, tx, Larry!

I know this is a lot to mull over and hope I didn't offend. As always, take or toss as you please.

Larry, no offense taken on my part. On the contrary, I'm delighted with your knowledge & expertise in the poetical realms... Hope to revise very soon.

Larry