SEAQUAKE (Chile, 2010.), For critiques Options

[Psyche]

Different version...Ignore first one, sorry!
February 23rd., 2011: And now I'm thinking so sadly about Christchurch, New Zealand. Second earthquake in 6 months. My heart goes out to all these people.


SEAQUAKE

A colossus awakes from the deep,
wielding a three-pronged trident.
Temperamental, often sullen,
Poseidon pounds on seabed crusts.
Serpents of molten rock
flip flaming tails at Earth's underbelly.

Concealed beneath placid seas
and marine radiance,
overlapping, shifting plates
thunder and rumble,
molding majestic tidal waves
on which white horses gallop landward
under twinkling stars.

Awesome becomes awful.

Without stopping to knock on doors,
the earthbound behemoth quakes
fragile timber homes,
indifferent to prayers,
ignoring panic in children’s eyes,
the screams of women, resignation
in old men’s countenances.

Trembling with rage and rage’s blindness,
the Olympian swallows remote villages,
venting his fury with the indifference
of elemental forces
sating their hoggish guts.
He topples slatted porches off their stilts,
snaps green painted stairs,
pins bodies inside fleeing cars
on imploded anti-seismic bridges.

Not content with an infinite minute’s
terrifying tremors,
Poseidon dallies for days in lunatic spurts
of chthonic fury.

Before subsiding into Ocean's hush,
he carelessly flings a child’s sandal
into growths of prickly dogrose.

People gaze helplessly
at blue heaps of bodies,
peer under ragged drapings on Nomen nescio.
…spouse? …child? …friends?

An unwritten script wrecks a million
lives, the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest.
The world haphazardly heeds
wails of a distant land emptied of joy.

O fragile web of life!
We acquiesce to ignorance.

Revision: I've removed one line from S1, and changed the wording a little.


- Nomen nescio, L.,; unknown name, no name, N.N.
- S2, L6: Poseidon was believed to gallop landwards in the form of "white horses"
on the crests of waves.


© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010.
All rights reserved.



First Version

TITAN

A phenomenal monster is reborn
when liquid igneous rock in Earth’s belly
allows floating plaques of her lithosphere
to overlap and shift positions.

Concealed ‘neath placid seas,
the colossus thunders and rumbles,
molding majestic tidal waves rushing landward,
illumined by marine radiance
from glittering stars.

Awesome becomes awful.

Without stopping to knock on doors,
the titan’s talons quake
under fragile timber homes,
indifferent to prayers,
ignoring panic in children’s eyes,
the screams of women, resignation
in old men’s countenances.

Trembling with rage and rage’s blindness,
the monster collapses villages,
venting its fury with the indifference
of elemental forces
feeding their bottomless guts.
It topples slatted porches on stilts,
snaps green painted stairs,
pins bodies inside cars
on imploded anti-seismic bridges.

Not content with a minute’s
infinite fearsome tremors,
it dallies for days in lunatic spurts
of chthonic fury.

Before subsiding into virtual hush,
it carelessly flings a child’s sandal
onto a bed of crushed moonflowers
beside blue heaps of bodies.
People search helplessly, peer under
ragged cloths draping Nomen nescio.
…spouse? …child? …friends?

An unwritten script wrecks a million
lives; the world haphazardly heeds
wails of a distant land emptied of joy.

Are the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest,
in blind Darwinian fashion?

O fragile web of life!
We acquiesce to ignorance.

© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2009.

[Eisa]

Hi Syl

As promised I'm back!!

A phenomenal colossus is reborn

A great line to draw the reader in, Syl.

Concealed ‘neath placid seas

I agree with Wally about the abbreviation of beneath - not necessary in FV, although if you wanted a smoother flow - perhaps
Concealed in placid seas

illumined by marine radiance
from glittering stars.

illumined - radiance - glittering

all have similar meanings and perhaps a little overdone for 2 lines.

Awesome becomes awful.

Great line!

Trembling with rage and rage’s blindness
perhaps
Trembling with rage and its blindness

My computer says that Herculean should have a capital H

it carelessly flings a child’s sandal
into growths of prickly rosehip

Awesome image!


Are the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest,
in blind Darwinian fashion?

I'm not sure that this stanza is needed

I hope you are well now Syl. I can understand why you wrote this in the throes of illness - often a time when the muse returns.
I hope something I've said might help in revision - take or toss! Good to see you writing again.

Hugs Snow

[Psyche]

Hi Snow!

I'm back, disgracefully delayed. So sorry. Thanks so much for your in-depth comments.

Hi Syl

As promised I'm back!!

A phenomenal colossus is reborn

A great line to draw the reader in, Syl.

You know, I think I'll remove 'phenomenal'. It's obvious!

Concealed ‘neath placid seas

I agree with Wally about the abbreviation of beneath - not necessary in FV, although if you wanted a smoother flow - perhaps
Concealed in placid seas <<<<<<<< Yes, that's better, tx.

illumined by marine radiance
from glittering stars.

illumined - radiance - glittering <<<<<<<OK, you're so right. Will rev.

all have similar meanings and perhaps a little overdone for 2 lines.

Awesome becomes awful.

Great line! <<<<< Thank you.

Trembling with rage and rage’s blindness
perhaps
Trembling with rage and its blindness <<<<< I understand you, but I was long ago inspired by this sort of repetitive emphasis by some famous poet...LOL....and I kinda like it. I'll see.

My computer says that Herculean should have a capital H <<<<< Not sure when one uses it as an adjective. I'll investigate, tx.

it carelessly flings a child’s sandal
into growths of prickly rosehip

Awesome image! <<<<< Thank you. I believe I must change it to 'dogrose', a similar plant.


Are the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest,
in blind Darwinian fashion?

I'm not sure that this stanza is needed <<<<<<<<<< Perhaps not.

I hope you are well now Syl. I can understand why you wrote this in the throes of illness - often a time when the muse returns.
I hope something I've said might help in revision - take or toss! Good to see you writing again.

Hugs Snow

Everything you say helps in rev, Snow. Sometimes one doesn't rev exactly as others suggest, but all crits make one think and try to do better. Will do.
Hugs, Syl***

[Eisa]

Everything you say helps in rev, Snow. Sometimes one doesn't rev exactly as others suggest, but all crits make one think and try to do better. Will do.
Hugs, Syl***

That is so true, Syl - sometimes we don't exactly want to use others suggestions, but it sparks off our thoughts to take us in a different direction.

It's so good to see you here - I hope you are well - and Carlos.
Hugs Syl