OUR SAVIOUR FROM THE TORIES, Political posturing Options

[Alan]

OUR SAVIOUR FROM THE TORIES
(6 May 2010, general election date announced)

Sad profile of my bank account,
the complete texture of my life;
He’s sheltered me from much self-harm
by taxes, excised with state knife.

With His moonlight, in soft focus,
He spin doctors and tells us lies;
on balance I’m much better off.
Oh look, there is a pig that flies !

In short cameo performance,
He pretends he’s minister, Prime,
dispelling my prosperity :
Please, River Thames, drown His foul crime.

Alan McAlpine Douglas

Challenge words : profile texture shelter
moonlight balance cameo dispel river

[Eisa]

Hi Alan

I do admire your ability to use challenge words and write something great like this.
Just a couple of suggestions - take or toss!

The profile of my bank account,
the complete texture of my life;
He’s sheltered me from much self-harm
by taxes, excised with state knife.

L2 delete 'the' as you have 'the' at the start of L1
Perhaps
completed/unbroken texture of my life

With His moonlight, in soft focus,
He spin doctors and tells us lies;
on balance I’m much better off.
Oh look, there is a pig that flies !

In short cameo performance,
He pretends he’s minister, Prime,
dispelling my prosperity :
Please, Thames River, drown His crime.

Last line - I think this line would read smoother if you said 'River Thames' instead of swapping it round.
Also to make up the missing beat chang drown to submerge or immerse

Please, River Thames submerge/immerse his crime

Hope this helps - take or toss

Snow

Challenge words : profile texture shelter
moonlight balance cameo dispel river