Breathes Death (Revised), Karnak "Longfellow's Excelsior Challenge" in SQ Format Options

[Larry]

Breathes Death

Ra’s bright device, while waning much too fast
to herald an approaching night, has passed
its zenith. Cloaking all the world in ice
while waning much too fast. Ra’s bright device
breathes death.

Catastrophe’s chill tongue… Flame dead beneath
its skin; a cancerous and blackened sheath,
is merely sign the fateful bells have rung.
Flame dead beneath catastrophe’s chill tongue,
breathes death

with stellar groan; proclaims an end to light.
As shadows dance through days once clear and bright,
the distant stars observe. What once had shone
proclaims an end to light with stellar groan;
breathes death.

No one replied as mournful prayers were said
imploring pity. Naught was overhead
but Stygian abyss; mouth gaping wide
as mournful prayers were said. No one replied!
Breathes Death,

“Hear now that solar sigh. Entropy’s rest
has stolen time!” No succor from the breast
which gave you life. All sightless stars must eye
entropy’s rest. “Hear now! That solar sigh
breathes death.”

Among the heaven’s height, a tiny branch
means nothing. A galactic avalanche
renews itself within black void each night.
A tiny branch among the heaven’s height
breathes death.

Hot air, wind from the stars, speeds heavenward.
Zeta-Reticuli, no Saint... Bernard
propels itself to meet Sol’s final prayer.
Wind from the stars speeds heavenward. Hot air
breathes death.

Ra’s bright device, like Isis’ faithful hound
emerging from its underworld, was found
to mark the solstice’s warmth. Shining like ice,
like Isis’ faithful hound, Ra’s bright device
breathes death.

Once molten star, Sol turned a sullen gray
and sightless orb toward a place where lay
its children’s frozen ashes. From afar,
Sol turned a sullen gray. Once molten star
breathes death.

Larry D. Jennings

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

I'm FINALLY back to offer my critique. Yay! Thanks to Arnie the Finn for reminding me with his IBPC nomination of this one last night!

OK - here it is for you to ponder. Whippee! Love this one and you make me proud managing an SQ hybrid too!

Ra’s bright device, while waning much too fast
to herald an approaching night, has passed
its zenith. Cloaking all the world in ice
while waning much too fast. Ra’s bright device
breathes death.
Love the opening, the imagery and of course, the ancient spin on the setting sun.

Catastrophe’s chill tongue… Fire dead beneath
its skin; a cancerous and blackened sheath,
is merely sign the fateful bells have rung.
Fire, dead beneath catastrophe’s chill tongue,
breathes death
I’ve always had a struggle with the pronunciation of ‘fire’ when used in poetry – so I suggest (and merely my own personal preference) a switch to the word flames, chars, scalds, sears, razes, scalds etc. (you get the idea) here. It’s hard to grasp the idea of a raging fire followed with the word dead. The cells are now dead?

with stellar groan; proclaims the ending light.
As shadows dance through days once clear and bright,
the distant stars observe. What once had shone
proclaims the ending light with stellar groan;
breathes death.
As an alternate, suggest ‘proclaims conclusion’s light’ above.

No one replied as mournful prayers were said
imploring pity. Naught was overhead
but Stygian abyss; mouth gaping wide
as mournful prayers were said. No one replied!
Breathes Death,
I think there’s a tense issue here in L3? I usually think of the term ‘gape’ as a sight thing, not a mouth thing and want to read it as the eyes had gaped wide – so something like: jaws dropped wide but it’s hard to have ‘wide’ at the end of the line to make sense.

“Hear now that solar sigh. Entropy’s rest
has stolen time!” No succor from the breast
which gave you life. All blinded stars will eye *suggest ‘sightless stars’ for alliteration
entropy’s rest. “Hear now! That solar sigh
breathes death.”
Luv this declaration!

Among the heaven’s height, a tiny branch
means nothing. The galactic avalanche
renews itself within the void each night.
A tiny branch among the heaven’s height
breathes death.
There’s a ‘the’ in each line here. Is there a way to rid one or more? Perhaps ‘heavenly heights’?

Hot air, wind from the stars, speeds heavenward.
Zeta-Reticuli, no Saint... Bernard
propels itself to meet Sol’s final prayer.
Wind from the stars speeds heavenward. Hot air
breathes death.

Ra’s bright device, like Isis’ faithful hound
emerging from its underworld, was found
to mark the solstice’s warmth. Shining like ice,
like Isis’ faithful hound, Ra’s bright device
breathes death.
Isis – goddess of fertility. A mouthful here for the meter police to swallow although I like the image very much. Perhaps a swap to ‘a deity’s devoted hound’? I know there’s 2 extra beats with this suggestion but I think you could pull it off. Another metrical bump is with ‘the solstice’s warmth', maybe sub with: ‘to mark solstitial warmth’?

Once molten star, Sol turned a sullen gray
and sightless orb toward a place where lay
its children’s frozen ashes. From afar,
Sol turned a sullen gray. Once molten star
breathes death.

NICE ending – enjoyed this very much! You are the master of the SQ hybrids, Larry!
SWEET!
~Cleo