Visions in Twilight Options

[4rum]

Many thanks to all who suffered through and helped so much
'rum

Visions inTwilight~Revisited

In anticipation I search the twilight
as the horizon dims
and you come to me in purples

once the sun has slipped its golden sabers
into that sheath which nighttime holds
I await you …

your step is soft
it stirs the lilac and sends me a fragrance
my senses awaken, quiver

your vision tempts
I need the beauty
the sanctity of your bosom

bared

wanton breath vaults breasts clefted shadows
licking at your neck
turned to catch last light

curved

inviting

reaching out to my lips

moments pass into violet
eyes are blurred
but not the touch

virile on velvet,
mauveine emotion,
sighs fallen from mulberry lips …

colors fade into memories
purple ever the last to go
your parting sculpture remains in my eyes

I reach out
your promise abides
you are there for me

in twilight

Original poem ...

Visions inTwilight

I look for you in the twilight
for you come to me in purples
once the sun has slip’t its golden sabres
into that sheath which nighttime holds
I await
and you come
your step is soft
it crushes on the lilac and sends me a fragrance
my senses awaken
quiver
your vision tempts
I need the beauty
the sanctity of your bosom
bared
shadowed cleft licks greedily at your neck
turned to catch last light
curved
inviting
reaching out to my lips
colors fade into mem’ries
purple ever the last to go
the molded sculpture remains in my eyes
I reach out
you are there for me
always there for me
in twilight

Corrected spelling of bosom. Thank you Eisa. Also corrected nighttime, thanks Siren

[Eisa]

Hi Sam

I have enjoyed reading your poem and its descriptive images.

Dani has given you some fantastic suggestions already ... but I'll add my own take on this to see if anything might help you further.

Visions inTwilight

Your title drew me in here - perhaps Twilight Visions would be more concise.

This might benefit from breaking down into smaller stanzas

I look for you in the twilight
for you come to me in purples
once the sun has slip’t its golden sabres
into that sheath which night time holds

L1 - Perhaps 'search' instead of 'look'
L3/4 - I feel its unneccessary for the abbreviation of slip't, but these lines could be better written as
And night has sheathed
the golden sabres of the sun

I search for you in the twilight
for you come to me in purples
and night has sheathed
the golden sabres of the sun

I await
and you come
your step is soft
it crushes on the lilac and sends me a fragrance

L1/2 - I agree with Dani - 'I await' is a bit ordinary, how about
I await – breathless for your arrival

L3/4 Yes - a soft step would not crush the petals, perhaps -
your soft step tousles the lilac
fragrancing the air.

I await - breathless for your arrival
your soft step tousles the lilac
fragrancing the air

my senses awaken
quiver
your vision tempts
I need the beauty
the sanctity of your bossom
bared

L5 - sp bosom

Rearrangeing your thoughts slightly at the end

my senses awaken
quiver
your vision of beauty tempts
me to the sanctity of your
bared bosom.

shadowed cleft licks greedily at your neck
turned to catch last light
curved
inviting

This part is difficult to understand, but this is how I understand it

I lick greedily at your neck’s
shadowed cleft
turn to catch the last light’s
inviting curve

reaching out to my lips
colors fade into mem’ries
purple ever the last to go
the molded sculpture remains in my eyes
I reach out
you are there for me
always there for me
in twilight

This part just needs a bit of tweaking

you reach out to my lips
colors merge into mem’ries
purple lingers
as your molded sculpture remains
I reach out in twilight
and you are there for me
always

I hope that some of my thoughts might help (when you have finished cutting those lawns!) Just ignore anything that is not what you are looking for.

I look forward to your revision.

Snow