SEAQUAKE (Chile, 2010.), For critiques Options

[Psyche]

Different version...Ignore first one, sorry!
February 23rd., 2011: And now I'm thinking so sadly about Christchurch, New Zealand. Second earthquake in 6 months. My heart goes out to all these people.


SEAQUAKE

A colossus awakes from the deep,
wielding a three-pronged trident.
Temperamental, often sullen,
Poseidon pounds on seabed crusts.
Serpents of molten rock
flip flaming tails at Earth's underbelly.

Concealed beneath placid seas
and marine radiance,
overlapping, shifting plates
thunder and rumble,
molding majestic tidal waves
on which white horses gallop landward
under twinkling stars.

Awesome becomes awful.

Without stopping to knock on doors,
the earthbound behemoth quakes
fragile timber homes,
indifferent to prayers,
ignoring panic in children’s eyes,
the screams of women, resignation
in old men’s countenances.

Trembling with rage and rage’s blindness,
the Olympian swallows remote villages,
venting his fury with the indifference
of elemental forces
sating their hoggish guts.
He topples slatted porches off their stilts,
snaps green painted stairs,
pins bodies inside fleeing cars
on imploded anti-seismic bridges.

Not content with an infinite minute’s
terrifying tremors,
Poseidon dallies for days in lunatic spurts
of chthonic fury.

Before subsiding into Ocean's hush,
he carelessly flings a child’s sandal
into growths of prickly dogrose.

People gaze helplessly
at blue heaps of bodies,
peer under ragged drapings on Nomen nescio.
…spouse? …child? …friends?

An unwritten script wrecks a million
lives, the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest.
The world haphazardly heeds
wails of a distant land emptied of joy.

O fragile web of life!
We acquiesce to ignorance.

Revision: I've removed one line from S1, and changed the wording a little.


- Nomen nescio, L.,; unknown name, no name, N.N.
- S2, L6: Poseidon was believed to gallop landwards in the form of "white horses"
on the crests of waves.


© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010.
All rights reserved.



First Version

TITAN

A phenomenal monster is reborn
when liquid igneous rock in Earth’s belly
allows floating plaques of her lithosphere
to overlap and shift positions.

Concealed ‘neath placid seas,
the colossus thunders and rumbles,
molding majestic tidal waves rushing landward,
illumined by marine radiance
from glittering stars.

Awesome becomes awful.

Without stopping to knock on doors,
the titan’s talons quake
under fragile timber homes,
indifferent to prayers,
ignoring panic in children’s eyes,
the screams of women, resignation
in old men’s countenances.

Trembling with rage and rage’s blindness,
the monster collapses villages,
venting its fury with the indifference
of elemental forces
feeding their bottomless guts.
It topples slatted porches on stilts,
snaps green painted stairs,
pins bodies inside cars
on imploded anti-seismic bridges.

Not content with a minute’s
infinite fearsome tremors,
it dallies for days in lunatic spurts
of chthonic fury.

Before subsiding into virtual hush,
it carelessly flings a child’s sandal
onto a bed of crushed moonflowers
beside blue heaps of bodies.
People search helplessly, peer under
ragged cloths draping Nomen nescio.
…spouse? …child? …friends?

An unwritten script wrecks a million
lives; the world haphazardly heeds
wails of a distant land emptied of joy.

Are the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest,
in blind Darwinian fashion?

O fragile web of life!
We acquiesce to ignorance.

© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2009.

[saore]

Before subsiding into virtual hush,
it carelessly flings a child’s sandal
into growths of prickly rosehip
beside blue heaps of bodies.

The above are my favorite lines, Sylvia. To be honest, I don't like the title. I also think the narrator does not achieve an emotional connection with the reader, perhaps because of the images about the gods. I think that if the narrator explores the devastation the poor feel, and are currently feeling, the narrator might better capture the readers attention. Sorry I could not be more supportive. I do think the poem is a good start.

Sergio

[Psyche]

Hola Sergio!
Thanks for dropping in here. I've been away due to family health problems...delayed...

Yes, that's also my favourite bit. In fact, it's rather similar to a stanza I used in some other poem, which I forget now.

I'm keeping Titan for the title. In Argentina, 'titán' is a well-known word, tho' of course not generally related to Greek gods! Perhaps coz there was a T.V. program called 'Titanes en el ring' (Titans in the Ring) and everybody knows the word means extremely powerful & big. And we have the movie 'Titanic'...

Strangely enough, I have another unfinished version of this poem with dialogue and names and feelings.
But no time to polish it off, as I said, due to a series of health problems. I'm sure you'll like it better!

Thanks for your honest appraisal,
saludos, Syl***

Before subsiding into virtual hush,
it carelessly flings a child’s sandal
into growths of prickly rosehip
beside blue heaps of bodies.

The above are my favorite lines, Sylvia. To be honest, I don't like the title. I also think the narrator does not achieve an emotional connection with the reader, perhaps because of the images about the gods. I think that if the narrator explores the devastation the poor feel, and are currently feeling, the narrator might better capture the readers attention. Sorry I could not be more supportive. I do think the poem is a good start.

Sergio