Empyrean Beauty (another change of title), REVISION THREE Options

[Eisa]

I'm revising again - I've just found this one in the archives & made some changes.



REVISION THREE

Empyrean Beauty

Bathed in aurora’s blushes
she slips into her robe --
crimson ribbons empurpling.

Dressing in lento tempo
she reflects the ocean’s hues;
linen embellishes her gown,
infinitely.
Tresses crowned in gold,
a veil unfolds shimmering
across her shoulders.

Vernal rapture, stirs her tears
showering winter’s drabness;
refreshed, she drapes a scarf
across her breast, its iridescence
enhances a pristine visage.

When tempestuous, she shrouds
us with a tenebrous cloak,
warning of forthcoming wrath.
Spears are hurled to illuminate
the fearful world;
cumulonimbus’ shouts resound
until their rage drenches us.

At midnight, her face sparkles,
opulent in dark damask,
raven locks adorned with lambency.
She cossets us in dreams, repairing
edges frayed by daytime stress.

Earth’s canopy, ever-changing --
she thrills us with perpetual glory.






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REVISION TWO

Empyrean Beauty

Bathed in aurora’s blushes
she slips into a robe --
crimson ribbons empurpling.

Lento tempo she dresses
reflecting oceanic hues;
linen appliqués embellish
her gown, incessantly.
Tresses crowned in gold,
a veil unfolds, shimmering
across her shoulders.

Vernal rapture stirs her tears,
showering winter drabness;
refreshed, she drapes a scarf
across her breast, its iridescence
enhances a pristine visage.

In tempestuous mood,
her cloak shrouds us,
warning of forthcoming wrath.
Spears hurled, illuminate the world.
Cumulonimbus’ shouts resound
until their rage drenches us.

Sensuous in dark damask,
her face sparkles with piercings;
raven locks adorned with lambency.
She cossets us in dreams, repairing
edges frayed by daytime stress.

Earth’s canopy; ever-changing --
she thrills us with perpetual glory.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REVISION ONE

Incessant Beauty

Bathed in aurora blushes
she slips into a purple robe
laced with crimson ribbons.

Lento tempo she dresses
to reflect the ocean;
blue gown embellished
with white chiffon appliqués.
Blonde wisps clasped
into a gold crown, its veil
shimmers around her shoulders.

Rapturous vernal tears
shower away winter drabness;
an iridescent scarf
draped across her breast
enhances a pristine visage.

In tempestuous mood,
she shrouds the world
with charcoal cloak,
then hurls illuminating spears
warning of forthcoming wrath.
Cumulonimbus’ shouts resound
until his rage drenches us.

Sensuous in dark damask,
her swarthy face sparkles
with silver piercings;
a mother-of-pearl tiara
adorns raven locks.
She cossets us in dreams,
repairing ragged edges,
frayed by daytime stress.

An ever-changing canopy,
she shelters our world
thrilling us with perpetual glory.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ORIGINAL

Perpetual Glory

Bathed in early morning blushes
she slips into a purple robe
interlaced with crimson ribbons.

Dressing slowly,
she reflects the ocean’s hues,
white chiffon appliqués her skirt,
wisps of blonde clasped
into a golden crown that shimmers
in a veil across her shoulders.

Her rapturous spring tears
shower away winter’s drabness,
her pristine visage enhanced
by an iridescent scarf
draped across her breast.

When mood is tempestuous,
her charcoal cloak shrouds the world.
She throws illuminating spears,
warns of forthcoming wrath;
her shouts resound until
their rage drenches us.

Sensuous in dark damask,
her swarthy face sparkles
with silver piercings.
A mother-of-pearl accessory
subtly adorns raven locks.
She cossets us in dreams,
repairing ragged edges,
frayed by daytime stress.

She is the ever-changing canopy
that shelters our world,
thrilling us with her perpetual glory.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow,

What a lovely poem filled with magical imagery. I wish I were this character! I haven't read any other comments or your previous versions so some of my comments might be a repeat for you.

This was a lovely read tonight!
Enjoyed,
~Cleo

[add] {delete}


Bathed in aurora’s blushes
she slips into a robe -- (I suggest ‘her robe’)
crimson ribbons empurpling.
Lovely opening imagery and theme!

Lento tempo she dresses (I suggest ‘She dresses to lento tempos’ as this inversion sounds strange to the ear)
reflecting oceanic hues; (I suggest ‘oceans’ hues; or perhaps aquatic)
linen appliqués embellish
her gown, incessantly. (Personally, I’m not sure that incessantly fits, especially at the end of this image as it appears an afterthought. Suggest deleting it or starting the line with it instead or subbing with ceaselessly).
Tresses crowned in gold,
a veil unfolds, shimmering (delete the comma)
across her shoulders.

Vernal rapture stirs her tears, (comma not necessary here)
showering winter drabness;
refreshed, she drapes a scarf
across her breast, its iridescence
enhances a pristine visage.
Lovely – smooth inner rhymes too.

In [a] tempestuous mood,
her cloak shrouds us,
warning of forthcoming wrath.
Spears hurled, illuminate the world. (I suggest deleting comma and adding ‘to’ in its place)
Cumulonimbus’ shouts resound
until their rage drenches {us} [all].

Sensuous in dark damask,
her face sparkles with piercings;
raven locks adorned with lambency.
She cossets us in dreams, repairing
edges frayed by daytime stress.
Suggest an inversion change above: Her face sparkles, opulent in dark damask;

Earth’s canopy; ever-changing -- (I'm not sure on that semi-colon there)
she thrills us with perpetual glory.
As a personal preference, I suggest closing the poem with the title in place of ‘perpetual glory’.