 SUMMER'S DAY - Haiku [revised 23 Sep 2008], HAIKU |
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 Sep 19 08, 01:53
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry  |
Revision 10/03/2009
A much better version. Thank you Leo.   White coated aphids Sucking sap from blithe plum trees. Hot breeze fans my face. John Revision 23/09/2008 Aphids in white coats. Hot summer's breeze on my cheek. Blithe trees: sap sucking.  SUMMER'S DAY Aphids in white jackets. Hot summer's breeze on my cheek. Footsteps: tread gently. John ·······  ·······Arnfinn
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Mar 7 09, 11:55
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 Greek  Posts: 743 Joined: 3-February 09 From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK Member No.: 754 Real Name: Leonora Wyatt Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:No one at all |
Hello Arnfinn - I like your aphids in white coats - they sound like tiny Medics. However, I am a little worried about the idea of sap sucking blithe trees. Even with a colon, it leaves a rather scary mental image. Might I make a tentative suggestion for your consideration?
White coated aphids .Sucking sap from blithe plum trees. Hot breeze fans my face. Leo ······· ······· |
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Posts in this topic
Arnfinn SUMMER'S DAY - Haiku [revised 23 Sep 2008] Sep 19 08, 01:53 
Thoth Hi John,
Apart from the extra syllable in L1, it ... Sep 19 08, 06:04 Cleo_Serapis Hi John,
I'm thinking you might want to find... Sep 19 08, 08:44 Arnfinn Hi Wally,
Extra syllable in line one?
Aphids/ i... Sep 20 08, 07:13 Arnfinn Hi, Lori
The first lines Ok, no extra syllable. ... Sep 20 08, 07:19 Cleo_Serapis Hi John,
Moved the poem for you. We count Aphids ... Sep 20 08, 08:27 Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi John,
Could you say, "Aphids in white coa... Sep 20 08, 19:01 Arnfinn Nah, Better explain.
This haiku is written in alp... Sep 21 08, 00:52 Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi John,
My goodness! This sounds quite comp... Sep 21 08, 09:03 Cleo_Serapis Hey Peggy, the problem is universal : in Australia... Sep 21 08, 12:18 Arnfinn Hi Peg,
Nah, you have to believe in my veracity, ... Sep 22 08, 02:03 Arnfinn Hi Lori,
I knew you would agree with the rationa... Sep 22 08, 02:22 Cleo_Serapis Hi John - getting there with this one.
Instead o... Sep 22 08, 06:01 Arnfinn Well there's a lot of plum trees in Japan.
... Sep 23 08, 02:13 Cleo_Serapis Hi John,
If you're asking me, I prefer : bli... Sep 23 08, 05:32 Arnfinn Ok.
Aphids in white coats.
Hot summer's b... Sep 23 08, 05:55 Thoth Hi John,
I like the revision!
Wally Sep 25 08, 11:52 Arnfinn I appreciate your comments, Wally.
Mutch bette... Sep 26 08, 02:02 Arnfinn G'day, Leonora.
White coated aphids
Suckin... Mar 7 09, 23:08 
ohsteve John, G'day mate, looks like you have this one... Mar 7 09, 23:19 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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