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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms
| Guest_prerna bala_* |
 Jan 14 09, 12:22
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#1
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revise 1
sloping roofs: splash slides for snow high noon sun ------------ splash! sound of molten snow waters down the cold |
  
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Jan 30 09, 06:26
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hello Prerna.
Is this your revision to post? splash of water drops from sloping roofs to ice grounds sun at work at noon! It's hard to tell when one is making changes if you don't post them up in your original topic. DO you need help with that? All you need to do is go to your first post in this thread and then click on the "edit" button, paste in your revision at the top, leave a buitof space and re-title the original. I can assist if you'd like, let me know. With this version above, I have a suggestion: splash of water drops from sloping roofs to ice grounds sun at work at noon! A twist for L1 mght be something like: Splash! the water drops A twist for L2 mght be something like: from sloped roofs to frozen ground I suggest a twist on the last line: noon-time sun at work Cheers, ~Cleo 
·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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Posts in this topic
prerna bala haiku Jan 14 09, 12:22 
Larry Hello Prerna,
As you've seen and replied to i... Jan 19 09, 15:43 
prerna bala Larry, i want the reader to hear the sound of wate... Jan 29 09, 15:56 Eisa QUOTE (prerna bala @ Jan 14 09, 17:22 ) s... Jan 22 09, 15:22 ohsteve Prenra, I unlike Snow have not heard of two forms ... Jan 26 09, 03:01 prerna bala hi Snow, i intend to rewrite it as a 5-7-5 and als... Jan 29 09, 16:01 prerna bala yes steve.
so the traditional one reads :
splas... Jan 29 09, 16:09 ohsteve Prerna, they are both good, if snow is correct in ... Jan 29 09, 20:53 Larry Hi Prerna,
I had trouble finding your revision un... Jan 30 09, 12:54 prerna bala Steve, Cleo and Larry, thank you.
Steve, i want t... Jan 30 09, 16:28 Sekhmet Hello Perna balla Steve, Cleo & Larry.
For so... Feb 26 09, 14:03 prerna bala hi,
have been away from the boards for sometime ... Jul 22 09, 05:01 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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