Haiku, 4th Revision Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

4th revision

I awake...equate
Hyacynth knifes through thin snow
must be spring time now.

3rd Revison

I awake...equate
lily heads wave above thin snow
must be spring time now.

2nd revision

I awake...equate
lilies grow in thin snow;
they spring forth in Spring.

Revised

I awake...equate
flowers grow a thin snow;
must be spring now.

Original

I awake, equate
flower grows from white snow bank
must be spring time now.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Steve,

Nice change with that elipse in L1. I enjoy the haiku and when one can make use of every word succinctly. I'm going to suggest that you revisit three sections of this one:

I awake...equate
flowers grow a thin snow;
must be spring now.
The first is the word 'flowers'. Do you mean grow in or through snow? I'd love to see you choose a particular flower to put there, as Larry suggests crocus or perhaps daffodils or tulips?

The second is the word 'thin'. I'd like to see a sub there as well - perhaps sheer, shadow, gossamer or wispy.

The third is L3 - I'd like to see it be a statement moreso than a question: Maybe : Spring's arrival comes ?

So if you opt for any of my ideas (sticking to the 5-7-5 params), you might have something like:

I awake...equate
Crocus peek through shadow snow;
Spring's arrival comes

Enjoyed!
~Cleo