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SUMMER'S DAY - Haiku [revised 23 Sep 2008], HAIKU |
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Sep 19 08, 01:53
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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Revision 10/03/2009 A much better version. Thank you Leo. White coated aphids Sucking sap from blithe plum trees. Hot breeze fans my face.
JohnRevision 23/09/2008 Aphids in white coats.
Hot summer's breeze on my cheek.
Blithe trees: sap sucking. SUMMER'S DAY
Aphids in white jackets.
Hot summer's breeze on my cheek.
Footsteps: tread gently.John
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Replies
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Sep 20 08, 08:27
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi John,
Moved the poem for you. We count Aphids as 2 sylls here, which is why is reads to us as 6 syllables.
It's not so much to change the word 'breeze' to air as it is to change the word 'summer' with something else that would make us imagine it's summer time. You'd have to find a word that would give us the impression of summer that would fit with the 'aphids' theme.
-Lori
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Posts in this topic
Arnfinn SUMMER'S DAY - Haiku [revised 23 Sep 2008] Sep 19 08, 01:53 Thoth Hi John,
Apart from the extra syllable in L1, it ... Sep 19 08, 06:04 Cleo_Serapis Hi John,
I'm thinking you might want to find... Sep 19 08, 08:44 Arnfinn Hi Wally,
Extra syllable in line one?
Aphids/ i... Sep 20 08, 07:13 Arnfinn Hi, Lori
The first lines Ok, no extra syllable. ... Sep 20 08, 07:19 Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi John,
Could you say, "Aphids in white coa... Sep 20 08, 19:01 Arnfinn Nah, Better explain.
This haiku is written in alp... Sep 21 08, 00:52 Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi John,
My goodness! This sounds quite comp... Sep 21 08, 09:03 Cleo_Serapis Hey Peggy, the problem is universal : in Australia... Sep 21 08, 12:18 Arnfinn Hi Peg,
Nah, you have to believe in my veracity, ... Sep 22 08, 02:03 Arnfinn Hi Lori,
I knew you would agree with the rationa... Sep 22 08, 02:22 Cleo_Serapis Hi John - getting there with this one.
Instead o... Sep 22 08, 06:01 Arnfinn Well there's a lot of plum trees in Japan.
... Sep 23 08, 02:13 Cleo_Serapis Hi John,
If you're asking me, I prefer : bli... Sep 23 08, 05:32 Arnfinn Ok.
Aphids in white coats.
Hot summer's b... Sep 23 08, 05:55 Thoth Hi John,
I like the revision!
Wally Sep 25 08, 11:52 Arnfinn I appreciate your comments, Wally.
Mutch bette... Sep 26 08, 02:02 Sekhmet Hello Arnfinn - I like your aphids in white coats ... Mar 7 09, 11:55 Arnfinn G'day, Leonora.
White coated aphids
Suckin... Mar 7 09, 23:08 ohsteve John, G'day mate, looks like you have this one... Mar 7 09, 23:19
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