Summers Day [revised 06 Sep] Options

[Arnfinn]

With thanks to Lori.

Revision 18/09/2008


Footsteps: tread gently.
Bees a-buzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Aphids in white jackets.
Flowers; confusion of colour.
A hot summer's breeze-
on my cheek.



Revision 6th September 2008


Footsteps; tread gently,
bees a-buzz,
aphid's in white jackets,
flowers, confusions of colour.

A hot summers breeze-
on my cheek.



REVISION. AS summers day 4/9/2008


summers day

st
r
o
ll
i
ng
t
h
r
o
u
gh
t
h
e
g
a
r
d
en
i
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s
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c
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s
m
o
v
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w
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k
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ng
d
id
y
ou
h
e
ar
t
h
at?
h
e
a
r
w
h
at!
t
h
e
.
.
.
h
o
t
b
r
ee
z
e
S
N
I
FF
I
NG



i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever promised YYYYYYYYYYYYYou a Rose Garden.

john


Summers Day


S
t
r
o
ll
i
n
g

t
h
r
o
u
g
h

t
h
e

g
a
r
d
e
n,

i
n
s
e
c
t
s

m
o
v
i
n
g,

w
o
r
k
i
n
g.

Did you hear that?

Hear what!

T
h
e

h
o
t

b
r
ee
z
e

S
N
I
F
F
I
N
G...


Arnfinn

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John,

This was the original inspiration for your Tanka in Herme's. I like the revision of this version and it compliments the tanka as well. As you mentioned in another thread, it might be fun to take the concept of a given poem as you have, and try to write it in different forms, just to see what happens.

For this one, I have just a few teensy nits I'll notate below.
Enjoyed the day here!
~Cleo


Footsteps; tread gently, -I think this could also be colon instead of semi-colon?
bees a-buzz,
aphid's in white jackets, -No apostrope here.
flowers, confusions of colour. -I think confusion should be singular?

A hot summers breeze- -Add the apostrophe to the poem's title and here for summer's
on my cheek.

If I might play a bit too - you could change the lines in many different ways, one such way would look like this:

Footsteps: tread gently.

Bees a-buzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Aphids in white jackets.

Flowers; confusion of colour.

A hot summer's breeze-

on my cheek.