Escape from Routine (Revision Three 18.06.08), FV - I NEED THOUGHTS ON FINAL REVISION Options

[Eisa]

I didn't get any comments on the final tweaking of this - so any thoughts?

Revision 3 [18.06.08]

Escape from Routine

Scents of seaweed candles mingle
with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …

The hushed breeze
brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecue plaice
spice the salty air.

I glance at seaside pictures
pinned to my memo board.

Pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels,
basted and ready to roast,

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked towels
with blue and red-spotted swimwear.

On top a Disney bucket holds seaweed
for grandma’s aching feet.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratches between toes;
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool,
treading seaweed carpets;
I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for grandparents,
pebble paper weights are painted
for friend’s Christmas presents.

I smell fish fingers - almost burning!
“Tea’s ready kids.”

--------------------------------



Revision Two 2.06.08
Thanks Lori for the tweaks!

Escape from Routine

Scents of seaweed candles
mingle with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …

The hushed breeze
brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecue plaice
spice the salty air.

Pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels,
basted and ready to roast,

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked towels
with blue and red-spotted swimwear.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratches between toes;
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool,
treading seaweed carpets;
I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for grandparents,
pebble paper weights are painted
for friend’s Christmas presents.


“Tea’s nearly ready kids.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Revision One 31.05.08

Escape from Routine

Scents of seaweed candles
mingle with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …

The hushed breeze brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecuing plaice,
spice the salty air.

Basted, ready to roast,
pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked
towels with blue and red-spotted swimwear.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratching between toes;
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool, treading
seaweed carpets; I giggle as
tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for Grandparents
pebble paper weights are painted
for friends Christmas presents.

“Tea’s nearly ready kids”


-------------------------------------------

I don't think I've posted this on MM before. It's had quite a bit of revision, but I'd like to see if you can suggest any improvements.
Thanks!



Escape from Routine

The bay shimmers in a heat-haze;
a breeze barely murmurs.
Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed
and wafts of fish from café grills.

Dolphin decorated towels
are scattered between beach-chairs,
as lotion is spread to roast
virgin white bodies.

People crowd the ocean, bobbing;
vivid boat sails tilt.
The sea hums in undulation
to children’s excited squeals
that harmonize seagulls screeches.

I become a barefoot explorer,
gritty sand between my toes,
criss-crossing dunes,
collecting shells and pebbles
in a plastic bucket.

As the tide gushes froth
across scorching sand,
I tread on sea-grass and giggle,
as tiddler’s fins tickle toes.
I soak in the ambiance,
before the journey home.

The washer hums its constant rhythm
to children’s whispers,
while they make shell pictures
and paint pebble paper weights
for Christmas presents.

Reminiscing, I smile softly
as the aroma of fish fingers cooking
mingles with sea-weed candles.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow.

In a word: WOW!

What a great revision! You've really put me in the scene with you even more than the original! I really think the change to your opening signals that feeling of reminiscence much more clearly now, yay!
Let's see if there's anything further to nibble on...


Scents of seaweed candles
mingle with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …
Much better way to set the scene for us!

The hushed breeze brushes my face (suggest moving bolded words down to their own line)
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecuing plaice, (suggest a change to 'barbeque', no comma needed also)
spice the salty air. YUM!!
It would look like this:
The hushed breeze
brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbeque plaice
spice the salty air.

Basted, ready to roast,
pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels (add endstop here)
Another alternate would be as follows;
Pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels,
basted and ready to roast.

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.
Very nice! Like 'the blue' and the seagull's chants,adds movement and sound!

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked
towels with blue and red-spotted swimwear. Suggest moving towels up a line.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratching between toes; (suggest change to 'scratches')
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool, treading
seaweed carpets; I giggle as
tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,
Suggest a slight change to line layout as follows;
Swollen feet cool,
treading seaweed carpets;
I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for Grandparents (Don't think you need to capitalize here? Add a comma)
pebble paper weights are painted
for friends Christmas presents. (Add apostrophe to friend's)

“Tea’s nearly ready kids” Great ending! Just add the endstop after kids.

Luv it Snow!
~Cleo