Escape from Routine (Revision Three 18.06.08), FV - I NEED THOUGHTS ON FINAL REVISION Options

[Eisa]

I didn't get any comments on the final tweaking of this - so any thoughts?

Revision 3 [18.06.08]

Escape from Routine

Scents of seaweed candles mingle
with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …

The hushed breeze
brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecue plaice
spice the salty air.

I glance at seaside pictures
pinned to my memo board.

Pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels,
basted and ready to roast,

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked towels
with blue and red-spotted swimwear.

On top a Disney bucket holds seaweed
for grandma’s aching feet.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratches between toes;
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool,
treading seaweed carpets;
I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for grandparents,
pebble paper weights are painted
for friend’s Christmas presents.

I smell fish fingers - almost burning!
“Tea’s ready kids.”

--------------------------------



Revision Two 2.06.08
Thanks Lori for the tweaks!

Escape from Routine

Scents of seaweed candles
mingle with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …

The hushed breeze
brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecue plaice
spice the salty air.

Pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels,
basted and ready to roast,

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked towels
with blue and red-spotted swimwear.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratches between toes;
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool,
treading seaweed carpets;
I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for grandparents,
pebble paper weights are painted
for friend’s Christmas presents.


“Tea’s nearly ready kids.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Revision One 31.05.08

Escape from Routine

Scents of seaweed candles
mingle with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …

The hushed breeze brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecuing plaice,
spice the salty air.

Basted, ready to roast,
pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked
towels with blue and red-spotted swimwear.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratching between toes;
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool, treading
seaweed carpets; I giggle as
tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for Grandparents
pebble paper weights are painted
for friends Christmas presents.

“Tea’s nearly ready kids”


-------------------------------------------

I don't think I've posted this on MM before. It's had quite a bit of revision, but I'd like to see if you can suggest any improvements.
Thanks!



Escape from Routine

The bay shimmers in a heat-haze;
a breeze barely murmurs.
Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed
and wafts of fish from café grills.

Dolphin decorated towels
are scattered between beach-chairs,
as lotion is spread to roast
virgin white bodies.

People crowd the ocean, bobbing;
vivid boat sails tilt.
The sea hums in undulation
to children’s excited squeals
that harmonize seagulls screeches.

I become a barefoot explorer,
gritty sand between my toes,
criss-crossing dunes,
collecting shells and pebbles
in a plastic bucket.

As the tide gushes froth
across scorching sand,
I tread on sea-grass and giggle,
as tiddler’s fins tickle toes.
I soak in the ambiance,
before the journey home.

The washer hums its constant rhythm
to children’s whispers,
while they make shell pictures
and paint pebble paper weights
for Christmas presents.

Reminiscing, I smile softly
as the aroma of fish fingers cooking
mingles with sea-weed candles.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow,

You've painted a wonderful scene of a day at the beach, with all the sensory teasers that go with this memory imprint. I have enjoyed the journey, your ecapre from routine is mine now too (yay), and feel that you might be able to further pull the reader in by telling us less and showing us more. You have used alot of 'the's and I'd like to see you add more action words or descriptions to compliment the nouns, e.g. sultry sea, balmy bay, flirty fish etc. so that we read into them as though they were also characters playing their part in this scene.

I look forward to your thoughts. As always, take or toss my suggestions as you wish.
Enjoyed,
~Cleo


The bay shimmers in a heat-haze;
a breeze barely murmurs.
Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed
and wafts of fish from café grills.
Nice opening. Can you elaborate on the bay – its color or location, perhaps deleting ‘The’ and replacing it with a different descriptor for this ‘bay’ e.g. balmy bay. What kind of breeze – can you make it ‘come to life’ further? I wonder if you might consider swapping the ‘smells’ a bit more mysteriously for the reader? Something like: Seaweed flirts with fish (or a specific kind), spicing the café grill.

Dolphin decorated towels
are scattered between beach-chairs,
as lotion is spread to roast
virgin white bodies.
Can you swap the ‘are scattered between’ to make the scene come to life more? Perhaps something like: Lotion-smeared virgin whities baste between flirting beach chairs and dolphin decked towels.

People crowd the ocean, bobbing; (perhaps ‘the blue’ instead of saying ‘the ocean’?)
vivid boat sails tilt.
The sea hums in undulation (can you elaborate on this sea? Is it sultry?)
to children’s excited squeals
that harmonize seagulls screeches. add apostrophe to seagulls

I become a barefoot explorer,
gritty sand between my toes,
criss-crossing dunes,
collecting shells and pebbles
in a plastic bucket.

As the tide gushes froth
across scorching sand, (is it scorching or scorched?)
I tread on sea-grass and giggle, (sea-grass lifts me, we giggle as alternate)
as tiddler’s fins tickle toes.
I soak in the ambiance, (I soak up this ambiance – no comma)
before the journey home.

The washer hums its constant rhythm (can you rephrase this, again, replace ‘the’?)
to children’s whispers,
while they make shell pictures
and paint pebble paper weights
for Christmas presents.

Reminiscing, I smile softly
as the aroma of fish fingers {cooking} [on the grill]
mingles with sea-weed [scented] candles.
(If you revise any of the previous lines that I alluded to with aroma and seaweed, perhaps you could repeat those phrases again here at the end to tie the two together further?) Another way to say this might be as follows:

I smile softly
as the aromas of fish fingers
grilling, mingle with seaweed scented candles
that carry me back to those sultry seas.