Assigned Fate, Wizard Award Options

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Needs much work, especially with punctuation.

----------


Assigned Fate

There in the thickness of thought lies uncertainty
with tangled tentacles of fear unfolding, extending.
They ease about a motionless body as if in a dream,
yet these eyes are wide open to the stifling event

Time shows no mercy on this tired soul.
It steals what it will and stands unyielding,
leaving pride and dignity but faded memories,
holding hopes and dreams to ransom that can’t be paid

The clock ticks away minutes to hours dauntingly.
Both racing and crawling in the same dimension,
igniting confusion and worry as one flame
to burn within a soul already tortured.

Is there no charm to dismiss this blackened veil,
or blade to cut through these chains of remorse?
Where is the potion to usher in the blue,
the musicians to fill this silent void?

Here in the hour when normality is at sleep
the heart that struggled to fight back lets go.
And once twisted into total submission
is thrust below the quicksand of despair.

Heedless souls pass by in light pursuit,
leaving no mourners to sigh the loss.
Is there no one to light a single candle
to guide the deviated to a better place?

Thus alone the traveler is left in limbo
lost among the spirits that will not speak.
Here in the internal darkness of nothing
forever remains the shattered life of waste.

[Psyche]

Wow, Jackie! This is the sort of poem I go for. The style and content that makes one think, rejoice in its profundity and read several times. Nowadays everything is so synthetically clipped down to bare essentials... sometimes I think we'll go back to 'Tarzan speak'...haha... if we keep dropping all the articles, prepositions, conjunctions, etc..

Congrats, Jackie, I might perhaps make a few comments, but I'll have to step carefully since it's a highly philosophical theme...and very moving, as well.

There in the thickness of thought lies uncertainty
with tangled tentacles of fear unfolding, extending.
They ease about a motionless body as if in a dream,
yet these eyes are wide open to the stifling event

Good alliterations in L1 and 2. Missing a fullstop at end of strophe. Wonderful opening stanza, your poem already makes me quiver with er... fear!

Time shows no mercy on this tired soul.
It steals what it will and stands unyielding, Brilliant, Jackie!! But how about 'It steals at will and stands unyielding?

leaving pride and dignity but faded memories,
holding hopes and dreams to ransom that can’t be paid

L4 seems a little long. Maybe remove either 'hopes' or 'dreams'? Fullstop missing. These are very touching lines..wow..

The clock ticks away minutes to hours dauntingly. I think you need a comma after dauntingly, then L2 not capitalized, to make it flow better.

Both racing and crawling in the same dimension, Maybe a semi-colon after dimension?

igniting confusion and worry as one flame
to burn within a soul already tortured.

It's all brilliant Jackie, whatever you decide to do. Exemplary lines, not often met with nowadays. I'm so pleased I dropped by!


Is there no charm to dismiss this blackened veil,
or blade to cut through these chains of remorse? Perhaps 'pierce' or 'sunder' instead of cut?
Where is the potion to usher in the blue,
the musicians to fill this silent void? Very beautiful.

Here in the hour when normality is at sleep asleep?
the heart that struggled to fight back lets go. resist?
And once twisted into total submission
is thrust below the quicksand of despair.

Heedless souls pass by in light pursuit,
leaving no mourners to sigh the loss.
Is there no one to light a single candle
to guide the deviated to a better place? I like the way you question fate.

Thus alone the traveler is left in limbo
lost among the spirits that will not speak.
Here in the internal darkness of nothing
forever remains the shattered life of waste.

How about 'a shattered life of waste'?

Wonderful poem, Jackie. The last stanza, and line, makes one shudder. The gloomy atmosphere throughout, with the MC questioning his/her assigned fate, is deftly maintained right to the end. The finale is definitive, there's no escaping fate...!

Thanks for sharing this profound work.
Hugs, Sylvia

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Wow, Jackie! This is the sort of poem I go for. The style and content that makes one think, rejoice in its profundity and read several times. Nowadays everything is so synthetically clipped down to bare essentials... sometimes I think we'll go back to 'Tarzan speak'...haha... if we keep dropping all the articles, prepositions, conjunctions, etc..

Congrats, Jackie, I might perhaps make a few comments, but I'll have to step carefully since it's a highly philosophical theme...and very moving, as well.

There in the thickness of thought lies uncertainty
with tangled tentacles of fear unfolding, extending.
They ease about a motionless body as if in a dream,
yet these eyes are wide open to the stifling event

Good alliterations in L1 and 2. Missing a fullstop at end of strophe. Wonderful opening stanza, your poem already makes me quiver with er... fear!

Time shows no mercy on this tired soul.
It steals what it will and stands unyielding, Brilliant, Jackie!! But how about 'It steals at will and stands unyielding?

leaving pride and dignity but faded memories,
holding hopes and dreams to ransom that can’t be paid

L4 seems a little long. Maybe remove either 'hopes' or 'dreams'? Fullstop missing. These are very touching lines..wow..

The clock ticks away minutes to hours dauntingly. I think you need a comma after dauntingly, then L2 not capitalized, to make it flow better.

Both racing and crawling in the same dimension, Maybe a semi-colon after dimension?

igniting confusion and worry as one flame
to burn within a soul already tortured.

It's all brilliant Jackie, whatever you decide to do. Exemplary lines, not often met with nowadays. I'm so pleased I dropped by!


Is there no charm to dismiss this blackened veil,
or blade to cut through these chains of remorse? Perhaps 'pierce' or 'sunder' instead of cut?
Where is the potion to usher in the blue,
the musicians to fill this silent void? Very beautiful.

Here in the hour when normality is at sleep asleep?
the heart that struggled to fight back lets go. resist?
And once twisted into total submission
is thrust below the quicksand of despair.

Heedless souls pass by in light pursuit,
leaving no mourners to sigh the loss.
Is there no one to light a single candle
to guide the deviated to a better place? I like the way you question fate.

Thus alone the traveler is left in limbo
lost among the spirits that will not speak.
Here in the internal darkness of nothing
forever remains the shattered life of waste.

How about 'a shattered life of waste'?

Wonderful poem, Jackie. The last stanza, and line, makes one shudder. The gloomy atmosphere throughout, with the MC questioning his/her assigned fate, is deftly maintained right to the end. The finale is definitive, there's no escaping fate...!

Thanks for sharing this profound work.
Hugs, Sylvia

Hi Sylvia,

Oh my but you have made my day. I'm so pleased you liked it despite the content. I love your suggestions but have to admit you'lll have to explain 'full stop' to me. I tend to just plop down thoughts and need a lot of help with technical issues, especially punctuation. Hopefully I can get around to revising this soon.

Thanks for the kind words.
~~@ Jackie