Ghost Under the Eaves Options

[Kay]

She makes love to me everyday.
We become a cross. Other times, a roasting spit.
When she slips inside, I am a pink melon,
asking for a kiss to bruise the gods.

My belly feels light. I remember being eleven,
and kneeling at the feet of Our Lady of Guadalupe--
praying for breasts, for the map of a man.

Then, I found her:
soft around the mouth;
she leaves a flutter in my ribs,
a ghost under the eaves.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Kay,

Congrats on your nom for the IBPC! I just posted your revision in the IBPC thread and am here to offer just a few punctuation and other suggestions for you to ponder (based on the revision). As always, take or toss.

Cheers
~Cleo


(comments) [add] {delete}


She makes love to me *everyday. (every day should be two words. A few alternates for L1 include:
day after day / daily / every day / day by day.)
When she slips inside, I am a pink melon, (no comma needed after 'melon')
asking for a kiss to bruise the gods.
My belly feels light. (suggest buoyant instead of light for alliteration). I'm unclear on what this line means?

I remember being eleven,
kneeling at the feet of Our Lady of Guadalupe-- (suggest putting Our Lady of Guadalupe in italics)
praying for breasts{,}[;] for the map of a man.

Then, I found her:
soft around the mouth.
A flutter in my ribs, (suggest changing to either an emdash or elipse)
a ghost under the eaves.