Donkeys Cheat At Cards, Wizard Award Options

[Guest_Jox_*]

© James Oxenholme, 2004. I, James Oxenholme, do assert my right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of The Copyrights, Designs And Patents Act, 1988. (Laws of Cymru & England, as recognised by international treaties). This work was simultaneously copyrighted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America. This work is posted as an incomplete and unpublished work, in order to elicit critical assistance, only.


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Disclaimer: IMPORTANT...

Our legal advisors have instructed us to issue the following statement:

This poem is a work of fiction. It, in no way, means to imply any doubt as to any donkey's integrity whatsoever. The writer, his editor, his agent, his publishers, his printers, his distributor, his wife, his cook and her lover all acknowledge to every possible degree, that donkeys are thoroughly good eggs and would never cheat at anything (maybe with the exception of a carefully selected bray at a strategic moment in “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire“.)

Of course, mules are different. They are cheating little devils and should never be trusted at Happy Families.

Chris Tarrant is not 97 (nor a donkey) (Not even a mule) (Not even the right leg off one) (Honest!)

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Ref: RL 0190 AE
Start Date: 21/10/2004
Update: 07/01/2005

Thank you to those people who have critted hitherto (John, Fran and Nina). I have adopted some suggested changes, re-structured the verses, slightly changed the title and tried to make it smoother to read. Any new errors, or remaining old ones? Please tell me. Thanks, James.



*Graphic provided by
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Why Donkeys Cheat At Cards
by RL

Six people in a circle -
each looking just like Sweep.
Two scythes; one sickle;
three Woodentops and Bo Peep

In your local superstore, sit
in the Black Department.
Take your pumpkin and park it;
wheels in pink cement.

We took off via the card deck,
soared high above the clouds.
Oh my Lord, oh what the heck!
Heading for Turin’s Shroud!

We ate all our jelly;
crawled out from the ferns;
ran from Goa to Delhi -
with blotchy-green sunburns.

Three dogs, two cats and a fish
were sipping cognac quietly,
when Tabby said this to Misch:
That lobster looks too sprightly.

He jumped out of the water,
somersaulted over Everest;
found he had a daughter,
though sadly not the cleverest.

So if your cave man asks you
Why donkeys cheat at cards?
remember red rabbit stew;
redeem blue meters for yards.

The moral of this elusive tail,
grinned the face of Cheshire Cat -
is never trust a killer whale,
who wears a fez - not like that!

(end)

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Notes:

"Sweep" is the dog in the Sooty Magic Show (Sooty is a bear and Soo, a Panda)
"Cheshire Cat" - from Alice.
Goa - southern coast of India, ex Portuguese territory.
Tommy Cooper (brilliant top Brit comedian) wore a fez and his catchphrases were "just like that" and "not like that - like that!" (Thanks Nina!)
The Woodentops were peg-doll characters on children's tv in the 1960s. (A Woodentop, is also the CID name for uniformed policemen, because of their large helmets - but that is incidental).
Tesco is the UK's largest retailer and the World's third largest.
Everest is the World's tallest mountain.
"Bo Peep" is a nursery-rhyme character - a shepherdess.
"Tabby" is a name for a common cat.
"Misch" is an abbreviated name of one of my dogs. (The other looks like Sweep!)
"Cognac" is an especially good brandy - from the Cognac area of France.
Apparently, jelly in American means jam (a fruity preserve - like my brain) and jelly in America is called “Jello, ” if Fran remembers it rightly.

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Original Version posted on MM:
Reference: RL 0190 AD

Donkeys Cheat At Cards
by RL

Six people in a circle -
all looking just like Sweep.
Two scythes; one sickle;
three Woodentops and Bo Peep

We took off via the flight deck,
soared high above the clouds.
Oh my God, oh what the heck!
Heading for Turin’s Shroud!

We ate all our jelly;
crawled out from the ferns;
ran from Goa to Delhi -
all had massive sun-burns.

So if your cave man asks you
Why donkeys cheat at cards?
Just remember rabbit stew;
redeem your meters for yards.

Go into Tesco Hypermarket
ask for the Black Department.
Take your pumpkin and park it;
setting wheels in pink cement.

Three dogs, two cats and a fish
were sipping cognac quietly,
when Tabby said to Misch:
That lobster looks too sprightly.

He jumped out of the water,
somersaulted over Everest;
found he had a daughter,
though sadly not the cleverest.

The moral of this elusive tail,
grinned the face of Cheshire Cat -
is never trust a killer whale,
who wears a fez - not like that!

(end)

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Notes:

"Sweep" is the dog in the Sooty Magic Show (Sooty is a bear and Soo, a Panda)
"Cheshire Cat" - from Alice.
Goa - southern coast of India, ex Portuguese territory.
Tommy Cooper wore a fez and his catchphrase was " not like that - like that!"
The Woodentops were peg-doll characters on children's tv in the 1960s. (A Woodentop, is also the CID name for uniformed policemen, because of their large helmets - but that is incidental).
Tesco is the UK's largest retailer and the World's third largest.
Everest is the World's tallest mountain.
"Bo Peep" is a nursery-rhyme character - a shepherdess.
"Tabby" is a name for a common cat.
"Misch" is an abbreviated name of one of my dogs.
"Cognac" is an especially good brandy - from the Cognac area of France.



"|1130074713 -->

[JLY]

James,
I read this the first time through with some quesitons about the characters and places. I was lost on the second line, didn't know what a Sweepwas.  Thanks for giving the reader a glossary at the end.

Found this to be like a modern day kind of nursery rhyme.

Enjoyed your rhyme scheme and reference to pink cement.

On this side of the pond, we don't hyphenate sun-burn....to us it's all in one.

A lot of fun. Thanks for giving us a dose of whimsy on this snowy dreary day in NE USA.
JLY

[Guest_Toumai_*]

James,

What fun!  

How to crit sureality… all I can say is that fish prefer marmalade on stoat (typo – that should have read ‘toast’).

>> Two scythes; one sickle:detective:

>>Heading for Turin’s Shroud<<

Not the Turin Shroud, then? Maybe like LA in the smog instead?

Perhaps your notes are a tad scant:
“jelly” in American is “jam” in English (“jelly” in English is “jello” in American if I remember rightly).

You are in danger of having a connection between flight deck and deck of cards (my mind is flitting around like a mad bat – which it is, of course – trying to find logic in here … not sure now if ‘here’ means my head or your poem …)

Stoatally confused, this furry critter is off for a cuppa – thanks for the flight of imagination,

Fran  

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

I hope the cave man doesn't ask me why donkeys cheat at cards.... I still haven't got a clue!  This was even more surreal than Alice in Wonderland.  The stuff of nonsensical  dreams.

It was an entertaining read and brought back pleasant memories of childhood.   Sooty and Sweep and the Woodentops - happy innocent days.

My only nit is that Tommy Cooper's catchphrase was actually - just like that.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi John, Thank you for commenting.

>>I read this the first time through with some questions about the characters and places. I was lost on the second line, didn't know what a Sweep was.  Thanks for giving the reader a glossary at the end.

Glad it helped. I am often confused so I try to anticipate refernce questions - though often get it wrong. Thanks for mentioning that.

>>Found this to be like a modern day kind of nursery rhyme.

Thanks. I appreciate that, too ... I think you're right - though maybe not for children.

>>Enjoyed your rhyme scheme and reference to pink cement.

Ta. An ex-friend of mine (lost contact) did a Chemistry degree then went to work for a firm which specialised in injecting colours into tarmac and cement. So pink cement / concrete really does exist.

>>On this side of the pond, we don't hyphenate sun-burn....to us it's all in one.

I'll have to check this one. Ever since being schooled I've had three really big problems in English. (1) I have no knowledge of correct grammar (I went to a grammar school but they didn't teach it there!) (2) I am a hopeless speller (3) I tend to hyphenate everything, completely regardless of if it is correct - so I suspect you are right for this side of the Pond, too.

>>A lot of fun. Thanks for giving us a dose of whimsy on this snowy dreary day in NE USA.

Well, that's made my day. Thanks. I write so much about the horrid side of life and quite a bit meant (if not achieved) to be deep so this was fun and I'm delighted you found it so.

Best wishes for better weather, John.

Cheers, James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

>>James, What fun!

Hi Fran. Thank you! John made my day - you’ve converted it to my week. Much appreciated.

>>How to crit surreaity… all I can say is that fish prefer marmalade on stoat (typo – that should have read ‘toast’).

Yup, that’s the very best crit for surreality. (Though I don’t think Dali would have bothered with the explanation of the non-typo!)

>> Two scythes; one sickle<<

>>Ah-ha! Death is to make an appearance I thought. Perhaps a little too much logic somewhere (from me? Now I’m worried! ).

I was trying to create a pastiche; send the reader’s imagination hither and thither - i.e. to go to read someone else’s work! No, just enjoyed the juxtaposition of images. This might technically be a poem (please don’t tell me why it isn’t, Alan - let me dream) but it is really a picture in verse. The images mattered more than the words per se.

>>Heading for Turin’s Shroud<<
>>Not the Turin Shroud, then? Maybe like LA in the smog instead?

Well, I’ve been so rude to Christianity I thought I’d offer an olive branch ( ! ) . So, I’ve let a little religious doubt in here. LA smog? well the reader can do that - just think of it as shrouded in fog. (I like your links).

>>Perhaps your notes are a tad scant:
“jelly” in American is “jam” in English (“jelly” in English is “jello” in American if I remember rightly).

Yes, sorry, I know you feel I write too little. I shall add this Trans-Atlantic word “Jello-Wrestling” to the notes. Thanks.

>>You are in danger of having a connection between flight deck and deck of cards (my mind is flitting around like a mad bat – which it is, of course – trying to find logic in here … not sure now if ‘here’ means my head or your poem …)

Fruit bat or mad cake? Deck of cards is good, too. Actually, any interesting image which fits would do... just a stimulus piece of abstract juxtapositions. The only big problem I see is a mid-way dichotomy when the story breaks - must fix that.

>>Stoatally confused, this furry critter is off for a cuppa – thanks for the flight of imagination,

Willing to pilot you... Destination: Dali International. Time: See drooping clock.

Thanks Fran, James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina.

Thanks for your bravery in here.

>>I hope the cave man doesn't ask me why donkeys cheat at cards.... I still haven't got a clue!  This was even more surreal than Alice in Wonderland.  The stuff of nonsensical  dreams.

Thanks... wow what a comparison! Flattered. But he's not the cave man - he's your cave man - I meant every reader to have a personal cave man, like a butler. Fetch bronte-burgers for all, etc. As soon as I've learnt UG (Caveman language) I hope to find out why donkeys do cheat at cards. Until then, I'll just have to speculate.

>>It was an entertaining read and brought back pleasant memories of childhood. Sooty and Sweep and the Woodentops - happy innocent days.

Indeed! Sounds like we're the same generation. So you'll understand that the sort of talk in this poem is because I listened to too much Bill & Ben. Flobba-lob.

>>My only nit is that Tommy Cooper's catchphrase was actually - just like that.

Ah! Yes and no. You're certainly right but he also often said "not like that - like that" after he'd just messed up and corrected a trick. I think "just like that" is better known but I sadly watch old Cooper programmes whenever I can - complete junkie.

Thank Nina - delighted you, too, enjoyed this.

James.

[Cybele]

Hello James,

Just been 'Lear' ing at this nonsensical piece with great amusement. I have to dash off but am taking it with me to read at leisure.

'I shall return anon' said she disappearing slowly, leaving the grin till last.  

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace,

Good to see you again.

Thanks for your kind words and enjoyment. Since you posted I have made changes which are shown at the top of this thread - hope you like it still!

Don't sepn too long away from us in Cheshire, now.

Any crits really welcome.

Best wishes, James.

[Psyche]

Hi James !
Thanks for taking me back to the nonsensical world of, er... childhood? Lear and/or L.C. plus a fantastic modern dose of Jabberjoxy    This is great, this time around I really got into the right mood and had myself a belly laugh :D
You've reminded me that once I knew The Jabberwocky by heart...
:p: How about trying nonsense words also, it's great to juggle funny words, come on now...  
Are u the donkey that cheats at cards? Because you've done some very clever nonsense rhyming, but refuse to face the serious stuff :(   So what gives?
Read elsewhere that you're experimenting with the odd rhyming lines, that's great, especially if you finish off a stanza that way..
OK now, I'm pulling out of the pink cement and heading for the killer whales, wrapped in a shroud, natch....maybe I'll do a sprightly lobster quadrille, as well...
Sylvia    

[Arnfinn]

Hi James,

Why Donkeys Cheat At Cards
by RL

Six people in a circle -
each looking just like Sweep.
Two scythes; one sickle;
three Woodentops and Bo Peep

In your local superstore, sit
in the Black Department.
Take your pumpkin and park it;
wheels in pink cement.

We took off via the card deck,
soared high above the clouds.
Oh my Lord, oh what the heck!
Heading for Turin’s Shroud!

We ate all our jelly;
crawled out from the ferns;
ran from Goa to Delhi -
with blotchy-green sunburns.

Three dogs, two cats and a fish
were sipping cognac quietly,
when Tabby said this to Misch:
That lobster looks too sprightly.

He jumped out of the water,
somersaulted over Everest;
found he had a daughter,
though sadly not the cleverest.

So if your cave man asks you
Why donkeys cheat at cards?
remember red rabbit stew;
redeem blue meters for yards.

The moral of this elusive tail,
grinned the face of Cheshire Cat -
is never trust a killer whale,
who wears a fez - not like that!


I've taken a copy
To read.

You used the dog Sweep in TT. In the waters in the Pacific a Seep is a fish.

Got go again, dIN dINS.


aRNIE

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

Just noticed this in you reply to Nina:

>>I meant every reader to have a personal cave man:cloud9:

Have fun,  
Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran,

You certainly can:

Delivery by Cruise liner takes four weeks - or by fast jet four hours. Please select shipping requirement.

Also, do you want the optional USAF uniform or the Vampyr gear or will you take the basic version (less expensive but comes without clothes)?

James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Arn, thanks for popping in.

Hope the read is enjoyable.

That's right a dog-fish! (Great for din-dins)

Cheers, James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Sylvia!

>>Thanks for taking me back to the nonsensical world of, er... childhood? Lear and/or L.C. plus a fantastic modern dose of Jabberjoxy    This is great, this time around I really got into the right mood and had myself a belly laugh

Brill, Sylvia! That's the idea. Thanks for popping-in.

>>You've reminded me that once I knew The Jabberwocky by heart...
>>:p: How about trying nonsense words also, it's great to juggle funny words, come on now...

What a challenge - I shall think on't; thank you.

>>Are u the donkey that cheats at cards? Because you've done some very clever nonsense rhyming, but refuse to face the serious stuff    So what gives?

Ah serious stuff in other poems - thius was deliberate fun. Got to have some fun, sometimes.

>>Read elsewhere that you're experimenting with the odd rhyming lines, that's great, especially if you finish off a stanza that way..

I'm trying. (very)

>>OK now, I'm pulling out of the pink cement and heading for the killer whales, wrapped in a shroud, natch....maybe I'll do a sprightly lobster quadrille, as well...

Brill! I'm looking foreward.

Thank, Sylvia  - very much appreciated.

James.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

LOL  Hey James!

Love the poem and your disclaimer!  I needed a chuckle today!

A suggestion or two to aid the rhythm - (use or toss)
{omit}[add]

Six people in a circle -
each looking just like Sweep.
Two scythes; one sickle;
three Woodentops and Bo Peep[.]

In your local superstore, sit
in the Black Department.
Take your pumpkin and park it;
wheels in pink cement.  Cute!

We took off via the card deck,
soared high above the clouds.
Oh my Lord, oh what the heck! Italics for emphasis?
Heading for Turin’s Shroud!

We ate all [of] our jelly;
crawled out from {the}[under] ferns;
ran from Goa to Delhi - Could use another syllable.  LOL
Maybe insert "the" before Delhi for double-meaning (the town
or the deli)
with blotchy-green sunburns.

Three dogs, two cats and a fish
were sipping cognac quietly,
when Tabby said this to Misch:
["]That lobster looks too sprightly.["]

He jumped out of the water,
somersaulted over Everest;
found he had a daughter,
though sadly not the cleverest.

So if your cave man asks you
Why donkeys cheat at cards?
remember red rabbit stew;
redeem blue meters for yards.

The moral of this elusive tail,
grinned the face of Cheshire Cat -
is never trust a killer whale,
who wears a fez - not like that!

Six people in a circle -
each looking just like Sweep.
Two scythes; one sickle;
three Woodentops and Bo Peep.

In your local superstore, sit
in the Black Department.
Take your pumpkin and park it;
wheels in pink cement.

We took off via the card deck,
soared high above the clouds.
Oh my Lord, oh what the heck!
Heading for Turin’s Shroud!

We ate all of our jelly;
crawled out from under ferns;
ran from Goa to the Delhi -
with blotchy-green sunburns.

Three dogs, two cats and a fish
were sipping cognac quietly,
when Tabby said this to Misch:
"That lobster looks too sprightly."

He jumped out of the water,
somersaulted over Everest;
found he had a daughter,
though sadly not the cleverest.

So if your cave man asks you
Why donkeys cheat at cards?
remember red rabbit stew;
redeem blue meters for yards.

The moral of this elusive tail,
grinned the face of Cheshire Cat -
is never trust a killer whale,
who wears a fez - not like that!

Most enjoyable read!
Cathy

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cathy,

I had quite a surprise when I saw this had been pulled up - thanks so much!

I'm sorry you needed a chuckle today - sympathy. I hope things improve. I'm pleased this gave you one, though :)

I'm only briefly flitting-through so haven't time now to go through your kind comments - but I shall asap.

In the meantime, thank you very much and see you soon - and I hope you feel better, too.

TTFN, J.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cathy!

>C>Love the poem and your disclaimer! I needed a chuckle today!

Thank you very much :)

>C>A suggestion or two to aid the rhythm - (use or toss) {omit}[add]

emm... what rhythm, I didn’t use any - did I?

>>three Woodentops and Bo Peep[.]

That was careless of me. Thanks.

>>Oh my Lord, oh what the heck! Italics for emphasis?

Thanks. I’ll think about that one. Interesting.

We ate all [of] our jelly;

No thanks - “of” seems superfluous to me.

crawled out from {the}[under] ferns;

I prefer “under” to “the” - thanks.

ran from Goa to Delhi - Could use another syllable. LOL
Maybe insert "the" before Delhi for double-meaning (the town
or the deli)
with blotchy-green sunburns.

Thanks. Why another syllable? Rhythm? Interesting double meaning though! Will think on’t.

Three dogs, two cats and a fish
were sipping cognac quietly,
when Tabby said this to Misch:
["]That lobster looks too sprightly.["]

I’ll use italics - but that is my way of doing speech in poems, so I’m really accepting your suggestion, thanks. I see lower down I should turn quotes too. Maybe there is a bigger problem here to be looked at. Thanks again.

>C>Most enjoyable read!

Thank you Cathy for your suggestions - many of which I’ll use - and your kind comments.

J.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi James,

[quote]>C>Love the poem and your disclaimer! I needed a chuckle today!

Thank you very much :)

Your welcome!  

>C>A suggestion or two to aid the rhythm - (use or toss) {omit}[add]

emm... what rhythm, I didn’t use any - did I?

LOL  I was trying to read it with one.  In certain spots it's great!

>>three Woodentops and Bo Peep[.]

That was careless of me. Thanks.

No problem.  

>>Oh my Lord, oh what the heck! Italics for emphasis?

Thanks. I’ll think about that one. Interesting.

I like to use them for impact.  

We ate all [of] our jelly;

No thanks - “of” seems superfluous to me.

LOL

crawled out from {the}[under] ferns;

I prefer “under” to “the” - thanks.

Your welcome!

ran from Goa to Delhi - Could use another syllable. LOL
Maybe insert "the" before Delhi for double-meaning (the town
or the deli)
with blotchy-green sunburns.

Thanks. Why another syllable? Rhythm? Interesting double meaning though! Will think on’t.

LOL  I know, I know ... you didn't use any!

Three dogs, two cats and a fish
were sipping cognac quietly,
when Tabby said this to Misch:
["]That lobster looks too sprightly.["]

I’ll use italics - but that is my way of doing speech in poems, so I’m really accepting your suggestion, thanks. I see lower down I should turn quotes too. Maybe there is a bigger problem here to be looked at. Thanks again.

Bigger problem?  Did I miss something?  

>C>Most enjoyable read!

Thank you Cathy for your suggestions - many of which I’ll use - and your kind comments.

Again your welcome!  I'm glad you feel you can use the suggestions.
Cathy

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi Jox

I have dipped into this piece a few times before working up to posting. No crits for the re-write. Reads fine to me. As a 40 something Brit I got most of your references and your responses to other posts dealt with some of the more personal or less obvious ones.

This poem is of course good fun! My problem is that the more I read it the more I feel I understand it without knowing what it's about - worrying! You've opened a window into some of your thoughts and remembrances and although I can't relate to all of them, as I can relate to the process - it starts me thinking about mine.... (knowing smile...) - ("too deep, maaaannn!)

Anyway it's not the donkeys you need the worry about  - it's the elephants that are sore losers! Or did Noddy pay the ransom...?

Great read. Thanks for sharing.


MaXiM