Senryu, Japanese form: 5-7-5 or less Options

[JustDaniel]

Senryu is a short form of poetry identical in construction to haiku: (three lines with 17 or fewer syllables with a cut after the first or second line forming two related snapshots of an experience of reality), but is generally about human foibles, while haiku references nature. Senryu need not include a kigo, or season word, like haiku (though it seems that much of modern English haiku tends toward senryu; that is, unlike traditional Japanese haiku, it may not necessarily adhere to the 5-7-5 syllable form which may be suitable in Japanese, but which tends to produce long or stilted language in English). A simple rule seems to be, Take a deep breath and read all three lines... cut and all.

I'll offer a couple of examples of my own, however inadequate. Perhaps someone with greater stature would like to add greater insight to this thread.

How I love thee
with breadth, length, depth and height…
but who counts the days?

© MLee Dickens'son 11 Oct 2004


feeling seventeen
your heart pounds out senryu;
you just can’t beat it

© MLee Dickens'son 14 Feb 2004

By the way, I understand that they're often with a bit of humor, so I don't think I'm desecrating the form if I wink a bit.

sharin' a bit o' de Light, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,    

Thank you for kicking this off and explaining the basic concept of senryu.

How I love thee
with breadth, length, depth and height…
but who counts the days?

Ah! The lovely Christina Rosetti!.

Here is one I have had published.

newsprint to footprint
banner headlines recycled,
bag lady moves on

Following in your footprints Daniel.  

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Ah, I love your piece, Grace.  Footprints indeed!  So now you're going to have to educate me regarding one Christina Rosetti?  I must plead ignorance, I'm afraid!

clawprints spread out 'neath
aged, unread, dimming eyes;
reflection on dusk

dim in de Light, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

I thought you were paraphrasing Christina Rosetti's "How do I love thee?"

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

One of my favourite romantic poems  

Next up  

my visitor gone;
I find a few grapes  
in the bottom of the bag

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

No wonder I was confused, Grace.  You have quoted Elizabeth Barrett Browning... and my piece DID allude to that very sonnet of hers.  I still have yet to read your Christina Rosetti.  Once you uncross your wires, you'll still have to educate me.  I've not read much of EBB yet either, but I hope to in time.  May as well add CR to what I need to read!

Here's my follow-up katauta to yours [ See Cleo's Tile re Mondo et al. ]

who'd have de-vined it?
my hungry guest stripped me
of all my grape juice

squeezing myself Lightly, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Thank you Daniel,  

Have been to Cleo's tile and educated myself a little more.  

wearing white tutus
gray thistles dance
a welcome to winter

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Should we put ours together in a Mondo in Cleo's tile, Grace?

wearing stretch tutus
greying dancers shuffle;
time for canasta

... and you still must educate me on Ms Rosetti!  I have a former counselee who was a Rosetti... and a man with gangster connections who once threatened my life (who's now deat) who was a Rosetti... and a sister-in-law who was a Rosetti.  None of them ever wrote poetry to my knowledge.

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

Well I have read up on Mondo/Katauta and the formula would seem to be

a question 5-7-7(onji or syllables)= one katauta
followed by and answer 5-7-7 (Onji or syllables)= another katauta

the whole being a Mondo.



If so I must adjust my last piece to read

wearing white tutus
are the gray thistles dancing
to welcome winter?

If I have that right Daniel, it's over to you. I wait with baited breath.

As for the Rosettis - a very interesting family, far too much info to relate here so have added a link for you.

http://44.1911encyclopedia.org/R/RO/ROSSET...NA_GEORGINA.htm



Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

wearing white tutus
are the gray thistles dancing
to welcome winter?

I think those thistles
are really hairy goosebumps;
they need wooly underwear

P.S.

why are we posting
in this new senryu tile?
don't katauta want Mondo?

[ You can copy and paste this in Mondo/Sedoka, if you like-- with your response, of course... and we can continue bantering there!   ]

Meanwhile, back to senryu:

some reason o’er rhyme;
there's neither rhyme nor reason
why some endures time

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

some reason o’er rhyme;
there's neither rhyme nor reason
why some endures time

Very clever piece and very true!

On a more serious note:

her exploring hand
encounters a  pea-sized lump;
new born infant wakes

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

what a pregnant piece!  I could mean MANY things!

fingers unfurl fire
stored up in solitary,
igniting passion

Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Aah! Daniel,  

what a pregnant piece!  I could mean MANY things!

her exploring hand
encounters a  pea-sized lump;
new born infant wakes


'Twas more serious than that.  The lady who had just given birth was discovering a cancerous lump in her breast.  Sounds morbid?? Unfortunately it happens far too often.

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

I hope my response wasn't too insensitive, my good friend.  I thought that was exactly what it was...

but your language lends itself to several very different directions. I really meant that as a compliment.  It's a rememkable little gem you've written.

... and I meant 'pregnant' in the 'huge idea' sense as well as my insufferable word-play.

sLightly embarrassed, Daniel  :blush21:

when he's serious
no one seems to believe him;
his eyes still sparkle

[Cybele]

Good Morning Daniel,

Oh! No, I wasn't at all upset by your words my friend, I just thought that I had missed getting across the true interpretation of the piece; I thought I hadn't explained it enough.  

I think a woman reader would have understood straight away - I'm sorry, I didn't consider that it wouldn't immediately be clear to a man.

Nothing to forgive my friend.

This has happened to a few friends of mine and it is so hard to understand the devastating effect it would have on the mother of a young child.


Love

Grace

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

when he's serious
no one seems to believe him;
his eyes still sparkle

Love this piece. Just keep those eyes sparkling. The best cure for all ills is laughter

Love

Grace
[b]

[JustDaniel]

I'm pleased that I had not offended, Grace... and again, I DID understand your meaning on the second read or so... before I responded... but again, your excellent piece is worthy of many reads, with many interpretations.  It's a remarkable poem.

... and wow, I am pleased that you like my little sparklin' bauble too!

a moistened eye
above a glistening cheek;
await their meaning

sLightly sparkled, blushing, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,  

I seem to be pre-occupied with dogs at present. Don't they make great hot water bottles?

canine companion;
comforting her ancient bones
all alone today

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

touching piece, Grace!

Would you bite me if I suggested swithching (not with a willow!) the first and third lines?

go cut a long willow wisp...
be sure it's long and sturdy;
prep for punishment

sLightly shivering at the memory, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,  

touching piece, Grace!

Would you bite me if I suggested swithching (not with a willow! the first and third lines?

Great idea. It's a done deal Daniel!

go cut a long willow wisp...
be sure it's long and sturdy;
prep for punishment

Ouch! Don't forget the book down the trousers!!

Might I suggest to avoid repetition

go cut a fresh willow wisp...
be sure it's long and sturdy;
prep for punishment



Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

I've now booked my trip
to my woodshed discipline;
glad you saved my seat

Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

My pleasure Daniel,

I had four sons and know the consequences of switches, (well in their case it was a slipper from their house master! )

distraction;
on my window pane
a fly cloud-hops

Happy Tuesday!

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

delightful image here, Grace...

Note, however that your last line perhaps needs a hyphen, since it's not the fly-cloud that hops, but the fly that cloud-hops, I assume?

... and I think that distracted needs a semicolon rather than a comma?

contraction...
iamble far to often
I suppose  


deLightingly, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Good to see you up and about Daniel,

I have been up for 5 hours now, soon be time for lunch!

Right on Maestro!

All your assumptions are correct and I will toddle off and correct them now. Don't want a detention ~ I'm getting peckish!

contraction...
iamble far to often
I suppose  

Well, there's no answer to that my friend

Back after a snack.

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

de tension...
when your behind must stay put
for attention

[Cybele]

de tension...
when your behind must stay put
for attention

Priceless Daniel!

moonshine;
I follow turtle tracks  
across deserted beach

Love Grace

[JustDaniel]

Thanks, Grace... you know I couldn't resist that one... any more than I could resist this to your neat little heads-up package:

moonshine:
cop losing turbo's tracks
on rocks deserting beach

deLightfully, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Okay my fiend, (no, not a typo! )  

moonshine:
cop losing turbo's tracks
on rocks deserting beach

You play the comic, I'll play the straight guy/gal.

bleak winter's night:
in the sleeping hamlet  
a dog howls

I can almost see your reply to this one Daniel!!  

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

umm... uhhhh...  I bet you weren't expecting this, no matter how straight you keep your face:

frigid mourn in Nam;
taste a slippery omelet
called a cat's meow

in a frigid Light, Daniel

Perhaps this, however may be more tasteful?

tender silvered blades
genuflect to usurper;
Jack Frost spreads his robe

still frigid, but perhaps in a better Light, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel  :sun:

frigid mourn in Nam;
taste a slippery omelet
called a cat's meow

Sorry Daniel, I only understand the first line of this but suspect the rest is rather unpleasant? Alluding to poor food supplies?

tender silvered blades
genuflect to usurper;
Jack Frost spreads his robe

This is so beautiful Daniel.

loosed by Winter’s bow
skein of Canada Geese heading south;
feathered arrows

Love

Grace

[Eisa]

Hi daniel and Cybele

I have just noticed this senyru thread and thought I'd join in, as I have written a few which I think are senryu.

This is one I think Daniel has read before


tears can bathe the soul;
cleansing rivulets will heal,
life’s dirt washed away.

deep scars may remain
where festering sores have burst;
time will overcome.


Hope I've done it right!


Snow

[Cybele]

Yipee,    :dance:  Snow's come out to play,

Lovely to see you here Eisa.

tears can bathe the soul;
cleansing rivulets will heal,
life’s dirt washed away.


deep scars may remain
where festering sores have burst;
time will overcome.

You know that both pieces have touched my heart Eisa, beautiful!

Love Grace

[JustDaniel]

wounds may disappear
with tender love’s oversight;
healing takes its time

[Cybele]

[b]Good morning Daniel,

wounds may disappear
with tender love’s oversight;
healing takes its time

Thank you for the lovely thought. First thing I saw this morning.

blind beggar;
stick tapping on stones
worn by its touch

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Thank you, my friend!  

blind beggar;
stick  tapping on stones
worn remember his touch

... and I feel this piece painfully clearly, but try as I might, I cannot see the meaning of the last line...tap, tap, tap ???

Fine Lady, he yields,
me worn old rememberer
feels numbed by your lines

Lightly, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Sorry Daniel,  

I woke at 4.30am and couldn't get back to sleep. This was a very early posting and I put in the wrong words from my workpad.

I have now changed it. Hope it reads better?    

rosy-cheeked dawn;
in the summer house,
breakfast with Bizet

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

I KNEW there must have been something amiss, Grace.  Thank you for substantiating further my confidence in your clarity!  

Now you can share with me the nuance of specifying one Bizet?  I'm sure that's special in some way.  K?

Here's my impressionistic follow-up:

dazed by trazodone,
grey cheeks mirror cold window;
breakfast with Eileen

Lightly unshaven, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

dazed by trazodone,
grey cheeks mirror cold window;
breakfast with Eileen

This is oh, so poignant Daniel. Is it based on truth? It speaks to me of a very tender love for Eileen. Hauntingly beautiful.

Now to Georges Bizet. I love opera Daniel and I have a CD of Bizet's 'Carmen' with my favourite singer Placido Domindo singing the lead role of Don Jose.  My sons built me a summer house in my minuscule back garden and on sunny mornings I love to sit in the  sunshine drinking coffee and listening to that glorious voice. The summerhouse faces due East so I am bathed in sunshine from about 6am onwards. It is my haven of peace.

Singapore monsoon;
barefoot in the garden
I wash my hair

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Thank you so much, Grace.  Yes, it was the very moment as I was writing, just before moving into the kitchen to actually see my unshaven face in the window while eating a cheese omelet with wheat toast and apricot preserves, while Eileen had her raisin bran. We had apple juice... and I generally don't drink coffee at home, but am in charge of the coffee pot at work.

Your 'summer house' sounds enchanting. Might I assume that it is not what we'd call a 'house'?  Whatever it is, it sounds downright enchanting!

... and your Sing-a-pour piece is even more enchanting.  I think you've almost slipped quite wonderfully into haiku... as I believe you did a few senryu back.  Whether you did or not, it's a beautiful piece of poetry... and the form is identical!

donning Army greys
he stares down a brisk fall wind;
window keeps him warm

sLightly snug, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

donning Army greys
he stares down a brisk fall wind;
window keeps him warm

I am intrigued by this piece Daniel. I see this as someone getting into uniform and staring out of the window before venturing into the cold day ?

Do I assume you are in what we call over here the Territorial Army (or Army Reserve i.e a week-end soldier?)

African village:
child carries the moon home
in a  rusty bucket

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

<font color='#000000'>Thank you for the response, Grace.  I'm glad that the piece engenders that picture as well as the one that I intended... only slightly different.

The Army greys are the workout or PT (Pysical Training) uniform.  I find it quite comfortable to wear about the house, so I had donned the long-sleeve set and was portraying myself as though I was literally staring down the wind ready to head into it on a run... but actually staring at it through the warmth of a window... kind of as in your summer house... and going nowhere.

Here in the US there is the Regular or Active Army, the Army Reserve, and the Army National Guard.  The latter, though part of the "One Army" system is also capable of being activated by each state at the will of the governor for State Active Duty... which often happens during disasters, floods, etc.  

Over 3000 from our NJ Army National Guard, however, are presently serving on Active Duty in places like Iraq, Eastern Europe, Afghanistan and the Sinai, plus here guarding bases and such in the U.S.  I am the only NJ Army Guard chaplain stateside from NJ at present besides one who serves on "Title 10" Active duty at Ft. Dix nearby.  The others are with their troops overseas or training to go there.  We're a bit stretched, honestly.

I've not been eligible to do PT for the past two years, but I was medically cleared to resume it a few months ago... which also makes me eligible to be deployed, the medical officer reminded me!

African village:
child carries the moon home
in a  rusty bucket

Your excellent piece (somehow) brought this image to my twisted mind:

alcoholic home;
dad trips over son’s toy pail,
then kicks the bucket

Light hugz, Daniel  </font>

[Eisa]

Hey Daniel and Grace

You are both very good at this, and I am enjoying learning from your vast array of talent here.

Here's one I wrote when I was thinking about my autistic son


disability
first appearances deceive
look beyond the shell

peel the layers away
search deep inside the kernel
- the essence is found.


Snow

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Snow!  Great to have you drop in to learn along with us.  

I think this is an excellent pair of senryu, substantially.  I only see an extra syllable and an unnecessary use of the passive voice.  As you suggested yourself elsewhere, you may punctuate differently too.

Here's a possible:

disability:
first appearances deceive;
look beyond the shell

peel (the) layers away;
search deep inside the kernel
(-) to find the essence (is found.)
Whatcha think, Snow?  ... and Grace?

sharin' a bit o' Light, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Good morning Daniel,

alcoholic home;
dad trips over son’s toy pail,
then kicks the bucket

Three emotions in two thoughts!  dread, comic revenge, dead!!!  

This one really stirs the emotions doesn't it? Fascinating Daniel.

our favourite walk;
long autumn shadows
but where is yours ?

Love

Grace

[Cybele]

Why! good morning Eisa,      

How lovely to see you here.

Daniel will tell you that I easily get confused around this forum, so I will wait for you to reply to his crit before jumping in and joining the melee

It's lovely to see you here. I have fallen in love with Japanese verse and spend a great deal of time here. My mind doesn't seem able to cope with a longer poem at present, so I keep myself busy this way!!

I will be back when you have replied. I hope the sun is shining in your world my friend.

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

our favourite walk;
long autumn shadows
but where is yours ?

Now that is a fascinating one, Grace! Methinks you're talking with your husband today?  This is a heart-stopper, my friend.  I quietly applaud.

If I'm correct in my assumption, with some adjustments you could transform this into the first katauta of a mondo... and reply with comforting words from your memory of your beloved.  Whatcha think?  Whatever you do, this is a keeper!

chilly fall mourning
tracing buildings through a fog;
London derrière

© MLee Dickens'son 27 Oct 2004

Now, as to Snow's piece... since when do you have no independent opinion?!  And when did this become a melee?!  Ain't nobody here tryin' to decapitate the pride o' no soldiers battlin' it out!  We's jest larnin' together, m'Lady!

melee-mouthed

no battle royal,
no plumage to de-helmet;
just chicken feathers

© MLee Dickens'son 27 Oct 2004

P.S.  Pardon me faux-ku; if'n ya decapitates it, ya gets a senryu!

sLightly cheekily with tongue firmly implanted therein, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

Now that is a fascinating one, Grace! Methinks you're talking with your husband today?  This is a heart-stopper, my friend.  I quietly applaud.

If I'm correct in my assumption, with some adjustments you could transform this into the first katauta of a mondo... and reply with comforting words froom your memory of your beloved.  Whatcha think?  Whatever you do, this is a keeper

A very good idea Daniel.  Will do that. Yes, I talk to him all the time, just as if he were here, and generally I feel that he is ~ but occasionally I think he goes walkabout, and I suddenly feel bereft. Then, at my lowest I feel a sudden warmth and know that he has returned to me.

chilly fall mourning
tracing buildings through a fog;
London derrière

A very rare occurrence now since the smokeless fuel law was introduced years ago Daniel. We called it smog (smoke and fog).

Now, as to Snow's piece... since when do you have no independent opinion?!  And when did this become a melee?!  Ain't nobody here tryin' to decapitate the pride o' no soldiers battlin' it out!  We's jest larnin' together, m'Lady!

Just thought I would let Eisa digest your suggestions first yankee doodle pal of mine

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

I know, Grace.  Just practicin' with my epee on ya!

... and did you not see the allusion to "Londonderry Air"  Do I have to write about the London Dairy air to get your attention? ... or were you just snubbing your Brit nose at this Yankee's thoughts?  :read:

splashing at the air
epeeing tirelessly;
stress relieved

streaming away Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Ha Ha Daniel,  

... and did you not see the allusion to "Londonderry Air"  Do I have to write about the London Dairy air to get your attention? ... or were you just snubbing your Brit nose at this Yankee's thoughts?

 

Now would I do a thing like that my friend.  No I was only thinking of the backside of London, which I am always very glad to see when returning to the glories of Somerset.  I missed the Londonderry air. one of my favourite songs too!! How remiss of me.

splashing at the air
epeeing tirelessly;
stress relieved

This, on the other hand is not quite as subtle I feel.  

Here is another one for you to get you teeth into Daniel.  

nuns after mass;
clustered together, heads bowed
critiquing the sermon

Love

Grace


P.S Am just going to post the solo/mondo as suggested.

[Cybele]

Here you are Daniel,

Have fun!

first frosty morning;
I find long-lost sunglasses
where are my gloves?

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

nuns after mass;
clustered together, heads bowed
critiquing the sermon

Now that is one to chew on a bit!  

none is so cloistered
that she'd not turn on frier;
grit battered chicken

first frosty morning;
I find long-lost sunglasses
where are my gloves?

hmmmm

secretly dipped gloves
in fat to smear sunglasses;
finger-lickin' gooed

sLightly blurry, Daniel  

[Eisa]

Hello there Daniel nd Grace

Your verses have me fascinated -- tugging my heart strings and making me smile.  :cloud9:

I must say this form does appeal to me -- intriguing at times. I don't think I can ever keep up with you two, but you are keeping my interest.


Thanks for your suggestions Daniel -- much improved. I think I was pronouncing `layers' as one syllable as some people do -- but I usually don't. it's the punctuation I feel a bit lost with -- then I always am

Here's one I wrote after reading about Grace's walk

my favourite walk:
by a stream beneath the trees;
sit to contemplate


See you soon

Snow

[JustDaniel]

So good to see you thinkin' and feelin' in here along with us, Snow!

deLightful Snowfall
drifting wherever she may;
sparkles for dawning

Now, as to your struggles with punctuation... and your thought-provoking piece...

my favourite walk:
by a stream beneath the trees;
sit to contemplate

contemplate a stream
interrupted by beavers;
dammed punctuation

sharin' deLight, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Good Morning Eisa,  

my favourite walk:
by a stream beneath the trees;
sit to contemplate

Oh that punctruation Eisa, don't I know about that??  NO !!
No, but seriously, I have gradually learned that serious haiku writers don't bother with punctuation these days relying on the wording to indicate the break between two separate thoughts.

Having said that, I am still so new to this that I don't always have the confidence to leave out at least a semi-colon.

As Daniel says, Haiku should be written so that the whole thing can be read aloud in one breath.

If like me, while learning you need the prop of a semi-colon, make sure that it separates your two dis-similar, but linked thoughts. So your lovely piece would read.

my favourite walk
by a stream beneath the trees;
sit to contemplate

The only other point I would make Eisa, is that the picture you present should ALWAYS be in the present and leave something for the reader to work out. For your last line therefore, how about...

my favourite walk
by a stream beneath the trees;
deep reflection

This last line now conveys your mood as well as linking itself to the stream.

Just a thought, Chuck or choose.

Daniel's reply of course is brilliant. Not only does his wit put a smile on your face, it also encourages you to keep writing.    



Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Hey, y'all...

This is poor, but my mind is drifting back to bed. I'd fallen asleep in the living room, woke up to take meds and go to bed, and now they're kicking in...

clear Caribbean
on sea bed in diving bell;
deep reflection

nighters!  - Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Sleepy head  

clear Caribbean
on sea bed in diving bell;
deep reflection

Sounds like a presage of my forthcoming holiday in Jamaica Daniel, but I'm no diving belle, although I can't wait to go snorkelling on the reefs.

I'd fallen asleep in the living room, woke up to take meds and go to bed,

Doesn't that always get you? Over here if you are admitted to hospital, apart from being ill, you are generally very tired and just when you have fallen into a peaceful sleep ~ they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.        

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

did Jamaica cake
to send off your holiday?
belles still knead to wring!

... darn, and I can't even swim the length of a pool!  I'd have to have my grandsons' swimmies or a life jacket to join ya!

now...

dive into another before you fly off!

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

Not off till 14th December!. This is a Christmas holiday. We return on New Year’s Eve ~ leaving Jamaica at 11.45pm (which means, unfortunately we will cross five time zones, so we will have to celebrate New Year 6 times.  :oops:  I don’t think I need worry about jet lag.

Meanwhile:

new neighbour
superglued to a power tool
buy new ear plugs

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

new neighbour
superglued to a power tool
buy new ear plugs

on house and garage
implant surround sound speakers;
scare with raceway tapes

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

on house and garage
implant surround sound speakers;
scare with raceway tapes  

Can you enlighten me? What are raceway tapes?

rousing 1812
wearing my marigold gloves
conducting the bells

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Raceway tapes would be sounds from a race track:  racing cars or motorcycles... as though they were flying through the space between your property and your neighbor's.  That ought bring him out to see who's disturbin' his power toolin'!

I'll be back to comment on your SUPERB senryu, Grace...

we're off to see Ray

deLightingly, Daniel

[Cybele]

Thanks for the explanation Daniel.

Happily this was fictitious, I have very quiet neighbours.  

hot-air balloon
how hushed the spring morning
peopled by ants

Love


Grace

[JustDaniel]

ah, Grace...  now you're shaming me with REAL senryu!  Wonderful job.

My mind is presently a bit fuddled.  I cannot picture anything so uniquely at the moment.

I'll be back... but for now, back to bed.

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

Hope you are feeling a little brighter.

The hot air balloon one was easy.  It was a wedding anniversary present from Ralph.  He had a dread of flying and wouldn't ascend, but followed us in the car. That year it rained every single day of May and on 1st and 2nd June.

I dreaded waking on the morning of the 3rd.  The flight was at 6.30am.
When I drew back the curtains the sun was shining brilliantly!     I shall never forget the experience. After we had landed it started raining again and on the next day, and for the rest of that week. we had torrential rain! Talk about serendipity.    

moonlit Greek beach,
performing Zorba’s dance
carousing husband

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

hmmm

Not sure that I fully understand this one, Grace.  Could you clarify the picture for me?  Sounds like someone's husband is contemplating crossing the line?

husband breathtaken;
mooning on South Jersey beach
caught with his pants up

re the wonderful balloon portrayal, it's certainly more than hot air (though I'm bettin' it was, up there... even if it was cold!).

good Ralph didn't shout
"to the moon, Grace;to the moon!"
with you crammed in there

Honeymooning Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

P.S.  If you don't know of Jackie Gleason, you may need an explanation?

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

Ralph and I spent many wonderful holidays on the Greek islands.

'Zorba the Greek' was a very famous film starring Anthony Quinn, who performed Zorba's dance on the beach after having 'taken drink'.

When we visited the island of Kos we celebrated a wedding anniversary. It was the night of the full moon or as the Greeks say ,luna fengari. (that might not be the correct spelling because I have only heard it spoken and not seen it written down.)

Ralph, who was a great fan of Quinn decided to entertain me wih his own version of Zorba's dance. It was early evening so we weren't yet too inebriated. We finished up rolling in the sand laughing our heads off. Wonderful memory!


good Ralph didn't shout
"to the moon, Grace;to the moon!"
with you crammed in there

I have heard of Jackie Gleason. Wasn't he a child star in silent movies who became a comedian?  We seem to be starting a school of movie memorabilia  here don't we? But you need to enlighten me on the reference in this piece please.

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Sounds like you had a wonderful time, Grace! YOUR Ralph was very different from the Jackie Gleason character Ralph Cramden in "The Honeymooners"

http://concise.britannica.com/ebc/article?tocId=9365679

Jackie Gleason

born Feb. 26, 1916, Brooklyn, N.Y., U.S.
died June 24, 1987, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

U.S. comedian and actor.

orig. Herbert John Gleason  He performed in carnivals and nightclubs and later played minor roles in films and on the stage. He achieved success in the television comedy series Cavalcade of Stars (1950–52), The Jackie Gleason Show (1952–59, 1961–70), and The Honeymooners (1955–56), which centred on his most beloved character, bus driver Ralph Kramden. He starred on Broadway in Take Me Along (1959, Tony Award) and received acclaim for his screen performances in The Hustler (1961), Requiem for a Heavyweight (1962), and Soldier in the Rain (1963). He later was featured in Smokey and the Bandit (1977) and its sequels (1980, 1983).

One of his famous outbursts to his wife during their frequent 'arguments' was "To the Moon, Alice' to the moon!" with his fist held 'threateningly.'  Of course he never launched her!  

Perhaps now you understand what I crammed in to my little senryu?  



Here's one that occurred to me last evening in a National Alliance for the Mentally Ill training:

treatment adherence:
never suture self; not just
Band-Aids that stick

sLightly sterile, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

Thank you for the info on Jackie Gleason. I seem to remember him as a very large bluff, dark-haired man. Never saw him act but I think I remember seeing a documentary about him, but that must have been about 20 years ago.

treatment adherence:
never suture self; not just
Band-Aids that stick

Very sobering one Daniel, especially after my inebriated one!

I have been having trouble getting onlne over the past 24 hours. I have just changed over to Broadband and sometimes it goes off for hours at a time. The good side thought is that is about 500 times faster than dial-up.

This one is seasonal and fictitious

virgin snow;
glancing back at my footprints
I am sorry

Toodle pip

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Hmmm  

Maybe there's a message there?  "Broad Banned" ?  

Now you're senryu...  I love it!  Excellent, vivid picture.  Darn close to a haiku, but definitely a senryu.  The best kind, methinks.

Maybe this will tell ya somethin' about why I've been so scarce of late:

brown stuff comin' out
has stuck-to-the-ribs flavor;
much too phlegm-boyant

sLightly sick, Daniel  :ghostface:

[Cybele]

Good morning Daniel,

brown stuff comin' out
has stuck-to-the-ribs flavor;
much too phlegm-boyant

Yuck! Too much information Daniel!!  :rofl:
Still, as we say over here "Better out, than in."  :jester:

This one is a happy childhood memory

summer journey home
the deep contented silence
measured by milestones

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Grace...

I hope you'll forgive me for this, since your piece has a beautiful taste of nostalgia... but it stirred somehow in me (mused by the word-play on summer) that evil muse that so detests the stay-behind Canada Geese!

few fly far; fetid fall

some’re journeying…
yet leave great gaggles… behind-
barking out bilestones

© MLee Dickens’son 27 Nov 2004

sLightly choking, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

some’re journeying…
yet leave great gaggles… behind-
barking out bilestones

Good to see you back and this is up to your usual excellent standard, but to use your expression...darn! isn't this supposed to be senryu, not faux-ku?

How about a serious piece that I can reply to? Your faux-ku are far too clever for me and certainly not my forte.

Over to you for senryu.            Huh? that rhymes  :speechless:
unintentional, not conventional.

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

<font color='#000000'>:cheer: Thanks for the prod, Grace... and for your visit over yonder too!

I knew it was a faux-ku... but also a legit (though a bit low-life) senryu if you note that the Canada Geese [ Use your imagination; the dragon is the closest Cleo has given us! ] are flying away with it, leaving a not-so-innocent senryu for you.

But... I just wrote this... and interrupted myself in the process to print it and fly out the door to give it to her... as she heads back to PA to be with her groom of 8 months, carrying a 7-week surprise she discovered a few weeks ago!

dear unplanned daughter
with sweet raspberry-sized child;
another surprise

© Daniel J Ricketts 27 Nov 2004

by de Light o' de watermelon, Grampa Daniel  </font>

[Cybele]

Good morning Daniel,

unplanned daughter dear
with sweet raspberry-sized child;
another surprise

I am so glad you caught her before she returned home. I am sure she will treasure this for her child - quite beautiful.

I too was an unplanned child I have found out. It doesn’t seem to have done me any harm. It’s what happens after you are born that counts isn’t it?  But on the other hand, I don’t really believe in accidents. I think there is a purpose for everything.

last of the breadcrumbs
fine feathered friends sail away;
alone with my fear

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

I too was an unplanned child I have found out. It doesn’t seem to have done me any harm. It’s what happens after you are born that counts isn’t it?  But on the other hand, I don’t really believe in accidents. I think there is a purpose for everything.

last of the breadcrumbs
fine feathered friends sail away;
alone with my fear

Love

Grace

I've read this several times, Grace, and the last line doesn't seem just right.  It feels to me like it should say "I'm alone with fear" or "I'm with fear, alone" or "I'm in fear, alone."  Whatcha think?

poem lies alone
without a single visit;
does it ponder Why?

© MLee Dickens’son 01 Dec 2004

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

I've read this several times, Grace, and the last line doesn't seem just right.  It feels to me like it should say "I'm alone with fear" or "I'm with fear, alone" or "I'm in fear, alone."  Whatcha think?

last of the breadcrumbs
fine feathered friends sail away;
alone, with my fear

This another divide thing Daniel. This is a perfectly normal English phrase. It wouldn't sound right to my ears to use any of your helpful alternatives. Have included a comma in the last line which might help with the interpretation.

Love

Grace

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

Here is the one you thought you had read, but in fact I only wrote it three days ago.  

summer romance;
all that remains on the beach,
a wilting red rose


Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Well, I do think you wrote something like it somewhere... or I coalesced a couple of your previous poems in my mind somehow!  Anyway... I love the intrigue and softness in this one. It ain't wiltin' fer sher!

I'll share my riposte here:

some 're romance...

and some 're not; ask petals ~ ~

so... wilt thou... or naught?


pluckin' Lightly, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

Well, I don't know about you but I am running myself ragged at present, trying to do too many things before I go away.  

some 're romance...
and some 're not; ask petals;
so... wilt thou, or not?

Very clever.  Your last line sounds positively Shakespearian Daniel  

Love

Grace

[Cybele]

my son shines his shoes
              on the backs of his trousers;
              first job interview

[JustDaniel]

my son shines his shoes
              on the backs of his trousers;
              first job interview

Very graphic, Grace!  ... and believe me, I KNOW what you mean about tryin' to do too many things... but we is musin' pomes, ain't we!  Jest take yer time, Lady!  This thread ain't goin' no place.  It'll be here when ya gets back!  LorII ain't got tired o' us yet!

my wife's body talc
on the back of my trousers;
lost job interview

brushin' it off Lightly, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

Still can't read that pale blue. Could you try another colour next time?


my wife's body talc
on the back of my trousers;
lost job interview


Swift and witty Daniel.  

This just happened as I look out of the window while listening to the radio.



the morning starts
pink clouds, black birds, fine morning;
another train crash


Off out again now, back later.


Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

the mo[u]rning starts[;]
pink clouds, black birds, fine morning[...]
another train crash

Very sad, Grace... that's why I listen to a light, uplifting local morning broadcast as I'm readying for work... where I oughta be headin' now!

ignoring my work,
it's about to arrest me;
I'd better catch up

© Daniel J Ricketts 03 Dec 2004

Headin' to the showers.  Catch ya tomorrow, maybe!

 Daniel  

[JustDaniel]

wherever my face...

appears I'm dammed if I do

and damned if I don't

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

Yes, I was tempted to put that 'u' in morning, but it would have pre-empted the shock of the last line.

ignoring my work,
it's about to arrest me;
I'd better catch up

Smug, smug ~ I am glad I no longer have that problem Daniel (age has to have some compensations ~ apart from free prescriptions for medicine ! )



wherever my face...
appears I'm dammed if I do
and damned if I don't

Explanation needed here Daniel, I have my stupid head on this morning.

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

This is a revision. I originally posted it with too many syllable on the first line and have only just noticed it.



                darting dragonfly
               a blue speck on the rushes-
               twinkle in God’s eye

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, dragonfly!

It's always refreshing to exchange with you, Grace. :)

Requested explanation:  I was feeling like sludge.  Sometimes my experimentation with form is seen as frivolous and demeaning, and I'd crossed a couple of good friends' boundaries (elsewhere), without meaning to do so... again!  It's how I FELT in the aftermath.  Sometimse feelings reflect reality, and sometimes they don't.  But when you find yourelf on the wrong side of a boundary, it's both intrusive to the other party and embarrassing to you.  Being shoved back over the line hurts, and FEELS like being shut out [dammed].  And the when the resulting feelings produce inaction through depression, you may end up feeling as though you've also been rejected [damned].  

Poets express their feelings.  Sometimes I have done that too freely... or too soon.  Once that's been done, it seems it can't be taken back; the damage is done. Maybe some day I'll learn.

As to your piece, it's wonderful!  I love the twinkle.  It's a great reminder.

Here's the other side of the story, using another of God's creatures more familiar to me to illustrate looking at life forgetting God's twinkling eye:

ducking in slime pit
may well smooth ruffled feathers…
but makes flying tough

© MLee Dickens’son 08 Dec 2004

tryin' to recapture deLight, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

Goodness me! You musn't let the world get to you like that. I certainly don't feel that way about our exchanges here. Yours are very witty and that is your style.

My only concern is that if perhaps you put in the odd serious one in a different vein, then maybe my old brain would be sparked with inspiration as well.

Sometimes it is possible to reply in faux-ku, but it is not my forte (I'll leave that to the expert).

Pieces like the one about your unexpected daughter would probably give me something to bounce off.

All is well Daniel my friend.

ducking in slime pit
may well smooth ruffled feathers…
but makes flying tough


This is very funny (if somewhat messy ~ the sludge, not the haiku,     ) so you do what you are best at and I'll muddle along learning.  

[JustDaniel]

learning's always fun
till someone pops your balloon;
frowns drown out a smile

send up another;
fill a grey sky with bubbles
to lilt dragonflies

[Cybele]

bubbles rise above
hot air spouted by fools;
smile and rise

[JustDaniel]

Thanks, Grace...

and it doesn't need to be a fool, either.  Even very wise or generally intelligent folk and otherwise sensitive persons can spout hot air betimes.  God knows I've had my share of heated words!

But let us pursue a different course now...

men and rivers wind
through paths of least resistance;
makes for some real crooks

ploddin' straight ahead, Lightly, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

men and rivers wind
through paths of least resistance;
makes for some real crooks

Very deep, Daniel


                          a child’s crimson kite
                          trapped in a tall poplar;
                          winter blossom

[JustDaniel]

Mornin' Grace!

a child’s crimson kite
trapped in a tall poplar;
winter blossom

Wavin' back!  

yellow kite's long tail
waving from greening apple;
Charlie Brown's spring bane

Lightly headin' back to bed, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel.

yellow kite's long tail
waving from greening apple;
Charlie Brown's spring bane

Ah, Charlie Brown, my favourite cartoon with my absolute hero, SNOOPY!!!  


                                    sunshine on the pond;
                                my goldfish lip the surface
                                to swallow the warmth

[JustDaniel]

I hope you'll forgive me for this one, Grace.

As you paint this picture of your fish pond and the open-mouthed visits of your fish (usually in recognition of your presence, expecting to be fed, or hopefully not gasping for exygen in a pond that needs aeration), I couldn't help but slip into this off-beat reflection as a riposte:

pond shimmers, golden;
check if it's sun's reflection
or you're in trouble
Lightly slippin' out, Daniel  

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hello, I'm following Cleo's suggestion for New Year and exploring the sights (sites?) of MM, and impressive they are.

I tentatively add my first senryu:

Revised 7th Jan 2005 (thank you, Grace):

The poet centres
her universe within words;
dinner burns again.

original:

The poet centres
her universe within words;
dinner is burnt again.

It's a joy just reading thru the tiles here. Thanks.
Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran

What a lovely burnt offering this is. A clever self-referential (both in the sense of the poet and the verse-form) piece. If only King Alfred could have written thus.

Very humerous too - how so much can be (lunch)-packed into so little.

Also good to see "her" - we are so used to seeing male poet references... makes one think - good change.

I think your centralised universe is beautifully poised and well-worth some carbonisation. (Nice to be able to sacrifice some one else's meal!)

Well done - enjoyed this. James.

PS Glad you've found a new muse and that you're trying the various delights available for the poetic salad (hot food off menu for moment).

Muse it or lose it - and you've got it!

James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

Thank you for such kind encouragement.  

My new muse was a surprise discovery - awakened talent in a lost maid called Cinderella - since the incineration she has, alas, become Cinder, for short: that's why I'm now writing senryu.

As for the dinner, it was ruined; we had to get a takeaway instead - chicken tarka (like chicken tikka, only a little 'otter).

And some fruit cake for afterwards.

Cheers,
Fran

[Cybele]

Good morning Fran,

Just back from my holiday and browsing around I come across this...

Hello, I'm following Cleo's suggestion for New Year and exploring the sights (sites?) of MM, and impressive they are.

I tentatively add my first senryu:



The poet centres
her universe within words;
dinner is burnt again.

It's great to see you here Fran, I hope you too will fall in love with Haiku/senryu as I have.

This is great with a delightful twist of comedy which made me laugh  

Just one tiny suggestion, the last line is one syllable long. Perhaps you could leave out the word 'is', and I think you'll find it will read even better.

Brilliant first attempt. I hope you stick around here and the Haiku tiles Fran.

[Cybele]

fairy woodland:
hoar-frosted cobweb,
Titania’s lace veil

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Welcome back from your holiday, Grace.  

Thank you for your comments on my attempt. I will have to practice my counting - no doubt my daughter (6) will take great delight in the fact that her mother is struggling with 5 and 7.

Is it a chilly shock to be back with icy cobwebs after the sun? (Although our cobwebs have been blown away overnight by the gales).  

A beautiful evocation of a still winter's woodland morning. These tiles are full of inspiration.

Thanks,
Fran