Come're Options

[Guest_sigh_*]

"Come're. Come here, to me."
Pretending not to see, to hear,
averting her gaze away,
her head shakes side to side,
lips pursed into a thin, tight line.

He smiles, and waits, she would come.
They always come to him; eventually.

Afternoon visitor upset with his lurking
shaking her helpless fist and cursing.
Offering exchange - a deal - foolish promises.
He looks away, as if he cannot see, or hear
not even bothering to pretend to care.

Persistant whispers:
"Come're. Come to me."
He would not chase her down,
Her pupils so large in the night -
so pretty; delicate flower; lovely.

Coaxing, "Come....come now to me".
From her bed she rises into his embrace,
thinking, "This is not so bad".
He savors her sweet breath, tenderly offering escape.
She remembers she's beautiful and she smiles.


Morning comes and they are gone
fragile old bones lay alone


The kiss of death

[Psyche]

Hello sigh!

My, this poem is intriguing. I shall have to re-read several times before commenting. It begins as a love poem, but the finale is truly unexpected...wow....

Was it Death all along that was beckoning her?

Offering exchange - a deal - foolish promises.
He looks away, as if he cannot see, or hear
not even bothering to pretend to care.

I like this bit. Is she actually trying to make a deal with Death? Reminds me of the character in one of Ingmar Begman's movies, who plays chess with Death.

Well, I hope I'm not way off course, do give a few hints before I return to make some comments.
Your poem is impressive.
Sylvia ***

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Sigh, I liked the slow transition of life to death. It reads to me as though they were two older people, or perhaps death and his intended, where he subtly intices her to come with him to death. Thats the way I felt; the only change I think you could make is use italics instead of quotations, italics would make the words stand out more IMO. Great write..
Steve

[Guest_sigh_*]

hi Phyche,

You're not way off base at all, it IS Death calling to her the entire time..and..she knows it is Him/Death, there is also a point where again you're correct in that she tries to barter with him, yet while he will not barter he is content to wait it out, until she is ready. I think I need to tighten this up some, I'm just not sure where to start yet. Thank you for taking the time to look it over...

Steve--good suggestion on the italics vs quote marks, I'll add that into any revisions I make ..thanks

sigh

[Peterpan]

Sad, that we all will beckon to death one day, too. You have a clever twist of words and surprise for the reader in the last lines. Well done.

An excellent rendition of fated worlds and words.

Bev

[Eisa]

Hi sigh -- ooh! I like the twist at the end here, very clever!

I feel that all this might need is a little trimming back -- a few thoughts (take of toss)

[ ] delete

"Come're. Come here, to me."
Pretending not to see[, to] or hear,
averting her gaze away,
her head shakes side to side,
lips pursed into a thin, tight line.

L1 -- You start with an abbreviation followed by the full 'come here'. Personally I would stick with either one or the other.

He smiles, and waits,
she would come.
They always come to him;
eventually.

A slight change in line changes might have more impact ????? ... perhaps.

Afternoon visitor upset with his lurking
shaking her helpless fist and cursing.
Offering exchange - a deal - foolish promises.
He looks away, as if he cannot see, or hear
not even bothering to pretend to care.

I like the slant rhymes of lurking and cursing in the 1st 2 lines.
L1 -- I don't feel is very clear -- is he the afternoon visitor?

Persistant whispers:
"Come're. Come to me."
He would not chase her down,
Her pupils so large in the night -
so pretty; delicate flower; lovely.

Coaxing, "Come....come now to me".
From her bed she rises into his embrace,
thinking, "This is not so bad".
He savors her sweet breath, tenderly offering escape.
[She] Remembering she's beautiful ,[and] she smiles.

L5 -- I've tried to miss out one 'she'


Morning comes and they are gone
fragile old bones lay alone

The kiss of death

A shattering ending -- very good!

I hope that something I've said helps in some way


Snow

[saore]

I was surprised with the ending, very effective. I like it. I agree with Snow's suggestions. She has given you some good advice.

Saore

[Guest_sigh_*]

Snow, thank you so much for the detailed critique. I've been thinking over your suggestions for some time now and I'm just about ready to rewrite. I do like this piece but I, like you, think it requires some adjustments.

Initially this piece was much longer and I cut it down and I can see that the edits leave some confusion. I think I can still keep it about the same length and still sharpen it up for clarity. Again thank you and thank you to everyone that took the time to read this and also comment.

Sigh

[Peterpan]

As I have said before (I think) this is a well written piece and with a bit of tweaking it will be excellent. The punch at the end is great.

I look forward to keeping track of your edits.

Bev