Survival (REVISION - hope this works!), R&M Options

[Eisa]

Hi all

I've given this much thought and considered all suggestions. I have tried to cut down on the amount of I's and trimmed some parts which were slightly repetitive and generally cut out all unnecessaries to be more concise - tried to show rather than tell. I've rewritten rather than revised LOL! As with all revisions - there could be new problems - Please let me know.





Survival (Revision)

I wait … ensconced in my umbrageous hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger can’t subside;
their odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth – I smell
a rat through flicking tongue and lie stock-still,
disguised in leaves. Anticipation swells;
unfocused vision won’t impede my skill.

Strike! … I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath,
while peristalsis draws him through my jaws.

Engorged, I glide towards my hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast;
assailable I curl, yet heed them pace
nearby, as I digest this rodent feast.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

St3 was

I quickly coil around him; death
embraces, limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws

Last line was
nearby, while I digest my rodent feast.

___________________________________________________

(Original)

This is a very old one that's been revised many times -- but on reading it again, I feel some tweaking coming on. Any thoughts?

Survival

I wait, ensconced in my umbrageous hide
and feel excitement rise. The atmosphere
exudes aromas I’ve identified,
when unsuspecting creatures linger here.
My hazy sight restrains me, yet I feel
the ground vibrate and taste familiar scents
that fill the air. I freeze and don’t reveal
myself, until an opening presents.

I’m ready for the ambush, feeling tense
anticipation, ready for the kill.
A scurry from the shadows makes me sense
him near and I employ instinctive skill
to…strike! A silence swells my constant fear,
as coiling round his body, breath expires.
When limbs are limp, I know the end is near;
digestive juices flow as death transpires.
I have no paws to help me while I feed,
my jaws can open wide by my control.
Unrecognizable, I will succeed
engorging nature’s victim -- swallowed whole.

With bloated belly I’m revitalized.
I slither to my lair where I repose
alone. Obscured by darkness I’m disguised
and listen for the movements of my foes.

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Wow!

This is the best snake poem I have ever read.

Come to think of it, it is the only snake poem I have ever read.

So, you get kudo`s on both counts!!!!!

[Guest_Don_*]

Like Xanadu, this may be the only R&M I've encountered specifically on snakes. I believe the answer to the mystery could enter later. A list of some of the specific scents are in order. Should we be interested in specific item ingested? Since mentioned, what specific foes. Why does it sense foes by other than smell, which is used to determine food?

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow,

I remember this one - it's a very unique inspiration! I'll be back soon after I've had a chance to deeply read and then comment further - gotta go do some house chores and an ab workout. YUCK!

Be back soon!
~Cleo

[heartsong7]

hi Snow,
I remember this...gave me chills.
I think you're nearly there. the only areas that gave me a slight pause are breath expires and death transpires.
expires alone means to breathe out (one's last breath) which makes breath unnecessary. it's true that expires can also mean simply, to cease so although technically it works, the 2 together strike me as bordering on redundant.
likewise death transpires (or happens) fits for meaning but seems an unusual way to express the act of dying.... may well be just me, though

end is near, is a bit cliche.
and this sentence:
A silence swells my constant fear,
as coiling round his body, breath expires.
reads as if it's the snake's breath that expires.
possible fix...
as silence swells my constant fear,
I coil around his body til it tires.
Then you could get expires in here:
as juices flow and slowly he expires.

I like the unique perspective.
Thank you for sharing this here.
sue

[Merlin]

Hello,

I will confess that I've been here several times to see what words of wisdom I could leave, but found none.
This time, I'll bring my umbrageous hide around, and mention that I've gone to check on some facts, such as why snakes don't wear glasses. Seems they can see ok without them. Also constrictors will bite and then constrict their prey, as has happened in some cases to "pet" owners.

I reckon I'm not too fond of this sort of pet.

Merlin

[Eisa]

Wow!

This is the best snake poem I have ever read.

Come to think of it, it is the only snake poem I have ever read.

So, you get kudo`s on both counts!!!!!

Oh thank you

Snow

[Eisa]

Like Xanadu, this may be the only R&M I've encountered specifically on snakes. I believe the answer to the mystery could enter later. A list of some of the specific scents are in order. Should we be interested in specific item ingested? Since mentioned, what specific foes. Why does it sense foes by other than smell, which is used to determine food?

Don

Thanks Don - you have given me a lot to consider here.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

I remember this one - it's a very unique inspiration! I'll be back soon after I've had a chance to deeply read and then comment further - gotta go do some house chores and an ab workout. YUCK!

Be back soon!
~Cleo

Thanks Lori - I look forward to your return

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Sue - thanks for giving me so much to think on. To be honest, it's such a long time since this originated, that I have to wonder why I wrote some lines a certain way LOL!

hi Snow,
I remember this...gave me chills.
I think you're nearly there. the only areas that gave me a slight pause are breath expires and death transpires.
expires alone means to breathe out (one's last breath) which makes breath unnecessary. it's true that expires can also mean simply, to cease so although technically it works, the 2 together strike me as bordering on redundant.

I hadn't thought of that one - good thinking Sue!

likewise death transpires (or happens) fits for meaning but seems an unusual way to express the act of dying.... may well be just me, though

Yes - I know what you mean - it's not a very natural way of putting it.

end is near, is a bit cliche.Definitely!

and this sentence:
A silence swells my constant fear,
as coiling round his body, breath expires.
reads as if it's the snake's breath that expires.

Yes - that was one of the lines I felt did not sound right - it does sound like the snakes breath that's exprired

possible fix...
as silence swells my constant fear,
I coil around his body til it tires.
Then you could get expires in here:
as juices flow and slowly he expires.

Nice fix Sue - I'll keep that in mind

I like the unique perspective.
Thank you for sharing this here.
sue

I'm not sure when I'll get chance to come back to this, but I'm so grateful that I have something to think on now.

Thanks Sue

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Merlin - thanks for calling by

Hello,

I will confess that I've been here several times to see what words of wisdom I could leave, but found none.

... and I thought it was just spiders that were watching me LOL!

This time, I'll bring my umbrageous hide around, and mention that I've gone to check on some facts, such as why snakes don't wear glasses. Seems they can see ok without them.

Well, I'm glad this has inspired you to check on some facts. Although snakes can easily see movement, they can't focus their eyes well.Their tongue is used with an organ of smell called Jacobson's organ. The snake flicks out its tongue and picks up scent particles, which are transferred to the Jacobson's organ and enables the snake to follow the scent trail of the prey. Certain snakes have special heat-sensitive pit organs which enable them to locate prey by the body heat the animal gives off.


Also constrictors will bite and then constrict their prey, as has happened in some cases to "pet" owners.

I have a number of pet corn snakes (quite docile really) and have got bitten a few times, when I've confused them by picking them up from the front & they thought I was food because they can't focus & just saw movement.
I reckon I'm not too fond of this sort of pet.

I wasn't keen at first, when my son wanted a snake - now I find them fascinating
Merlin

I'll slither away now - thanks

Snow

[jgdittier]

Dear Eisa,
I'm convinced when you tell me this one's already been polished.
An interesting topic well set to verse.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Eisa]

Dear Eisa,
I'm convinced when you tell me this one's already been polished.
An interesting topic well set to verse.
Cheers, Ron jgd

Thanks Ron - it's always good to see you.

I have done a lot of work on this one - a few more tweaks and I'll be satisfied.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow,

I'm back after reading this very unique poem. What a fascinating subject! In an effort to eliminate some of the "I's" throughout, I've made some suggestions below that flip some lines or words as well as alternate words. As always, please take or toss as you wish.

Here goes:
I wait, ensconced in my umbrageous hide[,] **add comma if editing L2's 'and feel' -LOVE the OPENING LINE!
and feel excitement rise. The atmosphere
exudes aromas I’ve identified, (no comma needed)
when unsuspecting creatures linger here.
My hazy sight restrains me, yet I feel
the ground vibrate and taste familiar scents
that fill the air. I freeze and don’t reveal
myself, until an opening presents.

I'd like to see an edit up in L2 that removes 'and feel'. Show us that excitement - perhaps as an idea something like:
elation takes control. The atmosphere / elation surges forth. The atmosphere
How about a flip in L5 so it would read: Muddled sight restrains me, yet I feel
Suggest Frozen, I don’t reveal up in L6.

I’m ready for the ambush, feeling tense
anticipation, ready for the kill. (**suggest a sub for ready since it’s used in first line, perhaps eager or game?)
A scurry from the shadows makes me sense (**Is there another way to phrase ‘makes me sense’ and need to keep that rhyme with tense – hmm, how about changing the rhyme to ‘I sense’ with a few slight grammatical tweaks so as not to include so many ‘I’s?
him near and I employ instinctive skill
to…strike! A silence swells my constant fear,
as coiling round his body, breath expires.
Something like:
I’m ready for the ambush with intense
anticipation; eager for the kill.
A scurry from the shadows, now I sense
him near and I employ [utilize] instinctive skill
to…strike! A silence swells my constant fear,
as coiling round his body, breath expires. (great word-smithing!)
When limbs are limp, I know the end is near;
digestive juices flow as death transpires.
I have no paws to help me while I feed, (do you mean ‘claws’, aid as alt. for ‘help’?)
my jaws can open wide by my control.
Unrecognizable, I will succeed
engorging nature’s victim -- swallowed whole. (COOL!)

With bloated belly I’m revitalized.
I slither to my lair where I repose
alone. Obscured by darkness I’m disguised
and listen for the movements of my foes.

Excellent ending, really ties everything up nicely - great read!

~Cleo

[Eisa]

Hi Lori

I'm sorry I've been so long replying to this, but your suggestions have given me a lot of food for thought and I have been working on this since I read your comments. I hope the revisioni s better but as with all revisions there could be more problems. I'd value your opinion.
Thanks
Snow

[Eisa]

Hi all - just a few more tweaks!

Snow

[Alan]

Dear Snow,

I like this, it really makes me feel with it. I offer some alts below in case anything appeals to you. In the first verse I think you have chosen some words not quite right ? Where there is a * I have deleted something, a letter or a comma.

Feel free to ditch all I have offered, this is to help you get the poem YOU want !

Love
Alan

I wait … ensconCed in my umbrageous hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My MOUNTing hunger can’t subside;
their odours PERMEate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth – I smell
a rat through flicking tongue,* and lie stock-still,*
disguised in leaves. Anticipation swells;
unfocused vision won’t impede my skill.

Strike! … I quickly coil around him; death’S
embrace*, ITS limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,*
I seize head-on and taste his final breath,
while peristalsis draws him through my jaws.

Engorged, I glide towards A hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast*;
assailable I curl, yet heAR them pace
nearby, AS I digest THIS rodent feast.

[Eisa]

Hi Alan

Some excellent suggestions, some of which I've already changed. I did like 'mounting appetite' but unfortunately this would leave me 2 syllables short for that line.

Thanks for your help
Love Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

WOW Snow!

Your revisions are absolutely FANTASTIC! YOu've definitely won the battle over show v. tell in this rev and I appluad your efforts!


I wait … ensconced in my umbrageous hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near. <- Love the change to forage!!
My escalating hunger can’t subside;
their odours saturate the atmosphere. <- Excellent, smoother and more succinct!

Vibrations stir the undergrowth – I smell
a rat through flicking tongue and lie stock-still,
disguised in leaves. Anticipation swells;
unfocused vision won’t impede my skill.
Excellent, excellent - much more dramatic and more impactful words!!!!

Strike! … I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath,
while peristalsis draws him through my jaws.
Wonderful action here, again - the punctuation and inner rhymes are wonderful!

Engorged, I glide towards my hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast;
assailable I curl, yet heed them pace
nearby, as I digest this rodent feast.



I'd like to nominate this for IBPC! I'll be back again!
Enjoyed the changes and the read!
~Cleo

[Eisa]

Thank you Lori - you have made my day as it's taken about 10 years of revisions to get here LOL! I am finally satisfied!

Hugs Snow