Hibiscus Magic Options

[Orion]

My toes didn't care
if last night's leftover rains
drenched them on this early morning

walk to the middle
of that glorious hibiscus
whispering, wooingly, to the
camera-woman,

"Put your coffee cup down - now;
pick up your camera!"

The backyard trip was
well worth soaked sandals
and feet - and ankles -
traipsing in blades,
wispy, wet, swaying.

What was this calling about?
Moved me from my cozy kitchen
to see delicate beauty
through mesmerized lens-

{click}

little bee in bee heaven,
bee toes pollen-dipped in
piles of snow-white

{click}

If a bee could have
smiled, I know this
bee was grinning for
a quick shot.

Left a wondering me -
who was happier
the saturated photographer
or the pollinated bee?

[Terocon101]

Hi Jan,

I only have one word, G L O R I O U S, I'll have to come back again for a closer read but this is sublime.


Terry

[Orion]

Terry,

What a nice response to this. Thank you so much. I'll have to say that G-L-O-R-I-O-U-S is what that white, plate-sized hibiscus nestled closely to our hammock post was a few mornings ago. And I've got a wonderful photo to remember such wonder. As time moves on, so does the life of this oh-so delicate flower. And the bee -- ah, what a little character delighting itself in mounds & mounds of pure white pollen dust. Bee heaven, it's gotta be.

Again, thank you for embracing this poem.
Jan

[Terocon101]

My toes didn't care
if last night's leftover rains Maybe unnecessary
drenched them on this early morningI stumble on the tense here, maybe 'that'

walk to the middle Just personal preference, but I found the continuity from the previous stanza distracting.
of that glorious hibiscus
whispering, wooingly, to the
camera-woman,

"Put your coffee cup down - now;
pick up your camera!"

The backyard trip was
well worth soaked sandals
and feet - and ankles -
traipsing in blades,
wispy, wet, swaying.

What was this calling about?
Moved me from my cozy kitchen
to see delicate beauty
through mesmerized lens- Maybe 'lenses' as in camera lens and lens of the eyes or 'through a mesmerized lens.

{click}

little bee in bee heaven, I felt it unnecessary.
bee toes pollen-dipped in again maybe surplus
piles of snow-white

{click}

If a bee could have
smiled, I know this
bee was grinning for
a quick shot.

Left a wondering me -
who was happier
the saturated photographer
or the pollinated bee? Giggle

This brings a big smile to my face, its simplicity is well presented and natural, thanks for sharing.

Use or lose my suggestions,

[JustDaniel]

Beautiful, Jan! I'm in a bit of a rush at the moment... but I wanted to take a whiff at the pollent myself before I flitted off.

I'll be back with some suggestions to clip off a few excess petals and leaves here and there, maybe to just retouch and airbrush a beautiful picture to make it more delicate.

deLighting again to be read you, Daniel

[Orion]

Hello Terry,

Thank you for revisiting this romp through my backyard to see Nature's delightful design~which always captures the writer in me. I think maybe some of the 'questionable phrasing' within this poem is due to my southern locale. Just maybe. *grin*

I will look into your suggestions as they redirect thoughts of reconstruction, should I choose to do so. As always, I do appreciate your ideas which could possibly enhance this work. My motive is to keep this simple in word design & feeling, which you have verified already. Again, 1,000 thank you's for your time/recommendations here.

Regards,
Jan

[Orion]

Hi there, Daniel,
Nice to see you today. Thank you for stopping in to read, & I welcome your return with some tips for improving this simplistic picture. I'll certainly take into consideration what you see as a reader.
Always grateful for your time/comments,
Jan

[Merlin]

Hello O,

Altho I've done a lot of reading and looking into the vast realm of vers libre, I'm still not very comfortable in this field. Line breaks and pauses are important, moreso because there is the lack of structure.

It's those little things that I seek when reading - to find the flow, the lyric picture, and the like. It leaves me wondering why you have placed a break between "early morning" and "walk". I'm envisioning and early morning walk, but you've transported me elsewhere. Who's lost?

Merlin

[Orion]

Hello Merlin,

I do respect your opinions regarding the type poetry one likes -- re: the form, structure, and an overall feel for poetry's set-up on the page. I relook at examples that you've mentioned within this poem particularly: line breaks & pauses. In my workings with Free Verse creations, I am comfortable with a more relaxed set-up on the page. Often there will be unexpected breaks within the work, and that's my comfort zone. I say, "to each his/her own" when selecting favorites for styling the words. And I know you agree that we vary in our styles. Respectfully shared: some people prefer Coke; some prefer Pepsi; some drink water every time.

I appreciate that you've stopped in to read and leave a comment here.
Thanks for your time & ideas shared.

Regards,
Jan

[Merlin]

Thank you for your word of explanation, Jan.
We agree whole heartedly - 1st, to each his own, and 2nd, variety is the spice. It would be boring if there wasn't the broad spectrum that we find to read and enjoy.

My comment was mostly to educate myself. There have been times when a writer will break between an article and its noun, and such times leave me puzzling for the reason. Most often it escapes me, and since I didn't see the logic here, I asked. Your reason is completely acceptable.

I personally enjoy pushing the boundaries. It seems in this genre, there is ample room to do that, but coming from the R & M sector, I'm finding the crossing not as easy as I thought it would be.

Best,

Merlin

[Orion]

Hello Merlin,

Thank you for stopping back in to discuss this always-interesting topic. *grin* This topic is always interesting to me because it covers such a broad spectrum & within that spectrum, there are so many varying opinions from readers and writers, which in turn, can help us to learn more. We are able to learn so much from each other--esp. if we choose to share willingly without fear.

I hope to share my poetry, however it is defined, in boundaries of peace-keeping by accepting that there are and will be writers' differences of opinions. As long as the writing represents a high-quality creation, I'm usually held to the script.

By the way, I do admire 'form poetry' very much; I enjoy reading/studying it. One day I hope to understand how it is created and hope to add what I learn about it to my current knowledge about writing. I am always impressed with learning more & more about the craft/art/skill in the writing process. I appreciate your time here. Nice to 'talk' to you about this forever-interesting topic.

Regards,
Jan

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Jan,

What a visually neat poem, and the imagery put me right there with the MC behind the camera walking through the yard, enjoying the scenery it presents. I also wonder why you chose to break the stanza after 'early morning' and concluded that you wanted the emphasis to be on morning instead of walk - hope that's correct? I would suggest (and yours to T or T) a slightly different arrangement in the opening and I'm not convinced the word 'leftover' is necessary and thought of 'storms' with rain. I offer this suggestion below.\;

My toes didn't care
if last night's rainstorms
drenched them

on this early morning walk

to the middle
of that glorious hibiscus
whispering, wooingly,
to the camera-woman,

I like the imagery and sonics here, I felt as though my own feet were wet from the walk: Suggest removing the 'ands':
The backyard trip was
well worth soaked sandals
and feet - and ankles -
traipsing in blades,
wispy, wet, swaying.

The closing compliments the story well Jan. I visualize the bee dipping to and fro in the hibiscus and getting lost in it, coming upo for air every so often. I suggest a few teensy changes in punctuation as follows, your to T or T:

Left a wondering me -
who was happier
the saturated photographer
or the pollinated bee?

Left a wondering me;
who was happier --
the saturated photographer
or the pollinated bee?

I've one question, don't bees pollinate the flower or does the flower pollinate the bee?

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[Orion]

Hello Lori,

Thank you for your suggestions for improving this impromptu piece.

I will seriously consider your sound recommendations for edits in this one. To clarify that ending---as I remember when I wrote this, the question posed in the ending here refers to the "pollinated bee" as a "covered-with-pollen bee", not characteristic of the pollination pollinator. hahaha

I do appreciate your time here. Will look into some trimmings.

Jan