We Grieve En Masse, x10 Challenge - Revised 6/6/07 Options

[JLY]

1st Revision: 6/6/07

WE GRIEVE EN MASSE

We pray today for the fearless;
bugles' echoes solemnly flow
casting a faithful closing veil
with reverence, we now bestow.

Processions of grieving marchers
lay wreaths at every sacred tomb;
honors, mothers never envisioned
the day their child left the womb.

Many rally cries for retribution,
but who is the enemy we fight?
Power should never embolden us
to deny one's unalienable rights.

WE GRIEVE EN MASSE

We pray today for the unafraid;
solemn echoes of bugles' blows
cast their faithful closing veil
with reverence we only now bestow.

Processions of grieving marchers
lay wreaths at every sacred tomb,
accolades, mothers never envisioned
the day their prince left the womb.

Many of us rally the cry for retribution,
but who is the enemy we seek to fight?
May our children learn that other cultures
are also blessed with an inalienable right.

Words used (in order of appearance): pray, unafraid, echoes, bugle, faith, tombs, accolade, prince, learn, right

[heartsong7]

WE GRIEVE EN MASSE

We pray today for the unafraid;
solemn echoes of bugles’ blows
cast their faithful closing veil
with reverence we only now bestow.

Processions of grieving marchers
lay wreaths at every sacred tomb,
accolades, mothers never envisioned
the day their prince left the womb.

Many of us rally the cry for retribution,
but who is the enemy we seek to fight?
May our children learn that other cultures
are also blessed with an unalienable right.

Words used (in order of appearance): pray, unafraid, echoes, bugle, faith, tombs, accolade, prince, learn, right

Hi John,
One nit at first glance: the last line typo... it's "inalienable"
It's a wonderful tribute to the day set aside to remember those we all have lost...because everyone of them is indeed a loss to each of us.
Sometime I think humans must have some 'inalienable" instinct for war.
When will we ever learn?

Thank you for sharing this.
sue

[JLY]

Sue,
First, thanks for catching my typo and secondly thanks for stopping by. I just attended a Memorial Day parade in which my son was marching and it is so disappointing to see so few people in attendance.

I think Memorial Day is one in which we now try to forget instead of remembering those who paid the ultimate price.
JLY

[Guest_Websailor_*]

A fine tribute... well done, I have no nits.

Yes... we should remember, to honor and remember those who sacrificed so much...and, echoing Sue (and the words of the song) to ask again, "When will we ever learn".

Wayne

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John.

What perfect timing and such a touching reflection on this Memorial Day holiday here in the states. I've made a few comments for you to take or toss as you see fit. I compliment you on musing this from the times ten challenge for the week. Bravo!

[add] {delete}

We pray today for the unafraid;
solemn echoes of bugles' blows
cast their faithful closing veil
with reverence we only now bestow.
Option: with reverence we seldom bestow.

Processions of grieving marchers
lay wreaths at every sacred tomb{,}[;]
accolades, mothers never envisioned
the day their prince left the womb.
Very poignant thoughts here John.

Many {of us} rally the cry for retribution,
but who is the enemy we {seek to} fight?
May our children learn that other cultures
are also blessed with an inalienable right.
Suggested tossing a few words above to keep this stanza more in line with the others.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[Merlin]

Hi John,

Good on ya for doing the challenges. I tried one of the 10 worder ones, but found it a bit much to handle.

I'm also reminded of one song, an Ozzie tribute that asks to this effect >> and the young people ask what are they marching for, and I ask myself the same question.

Merlin

[JLY]

Wayne and Merlin,
Thank you for stopping by and recognizing that this is a very important day to take a moment and ponder why we do the things that we do.
JLY

[JLY]

Lori,
Thank you for your supportive thoughts. The last stanza was a little wordy and I feel that your suggestions are most helpful. The challenge provided me with just the right motivation in my attempt to pay homage to those who have sacrificed so much.
JLY

[AMETHYST]

Hi John,

First thank you for this wonderful reminder of those we often forget to remember. I liked that title. It is strong and triggers a multitude of images before setting into the poem. You have a sharpened eye for blending and creating with the chosen words and this is a fine example of that skill.

Some thoughts and comments to follow. Wonderful to read this and then the time to sit in remembrance of what they really mean to us.

Hugs, Liz

WE GRIEVE EN MASSE

We pray today for the unafraid;
solemn echoes of bugles' blows
cast their faithful closing veil
with reverence we only now bestow.

In L2, perhaps ... bugles' blow
L3, what a crisp image ... cast their faithful closing veil ...
In L4, I would suggest omitting only.
Leaving ... "with reverence, we now bestow. "


Processions of grieving marchers
lay wreaths at every sacred tomb,
accolades, mothers never envisioned
the day their prince left the womb.

Although L3 felt awkward, I cannot offer a change or suggest one, as the meaning of this stanza is just so strong in its intent, that changing the word choices might dislocate the depth of mothers that never could imagine their children going off to war, when they entered this earth ...
Perhaps accolades isn't the word here... maybe ...

lay wreaths at every sacred tomb,
while mothers never had envisioned
this day, when their prince left the womb.



Many of us rally the cry for retribution,
but who is the enemy we seek to fight?
May our children learn that other cultures
are also blessed with an inalienable right.


L1, perhaps omitting 'the after rally.

Unfortunately, this day is to remember the men who give their lives and their freedoms so that we may keep ours and to keep our lives... sadly, let's just say ... this war isn't for retribution - I enjoyed the reminder of grieving and giving homage to those who allow me this day ... today and hopefully, tomorrow!

Hugs, Liz ...

[JLY]

Liz,
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. As you may remember, before the war started, there was a fervor all over the land embedded in feelings of revenge, retribution, justice, etc.....several years of war have now given many second thoughts about their original perspectives.
JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi John,

Such a beautiful poem in honor of those who gave the ultimate sacrifice. Just a few thoughts... use or lose~

Cathy


We pray today for the unafraid;
solemn echoes of bugles' blows
cast their faithful closing veil
with reverence we only now bestow.

'bugles' blows' was almost a tongue twister for me. And I'm wondering if 'unafraid' is quite the right word. Wouldn't they have been afraid a time or two? Maybe a bit of rearranging?

We pray today for faithful hearts;
bugle echoes in poignant flow
cast their fateful final veil
with reverence we now bestow.

Processions of grieving marchers
lay wreaths at every sacred tomb,
accolades, mothers never envisioned
the day their prince left the womb.

If you changed 'prince' to 'child' it would make it universal. Women are allowed in battle now and this would include both.

Many {of us} rally {the} cr[ies]{y} for retribution,
but who is the enemy we {seek to} fight?
May our children learn that other cultures
are also blessed with an inalienable right.

I think you could omit some of the words above and it would read similar to the previous verses. And what about 'foreign' instead of 'other' in line 3? Or something more descriptive than 'other'.

Many rally cries for retribution,
but who is the enemy we fight?
May our children learn that foreign cultures
are also blessed with an inalienable right.

[JLY]

Cathy,
Thanks; as you can tell, I posted this poem as is....with the required challenge words. Now, I look to revise it and some of those words can now be replaced.
Your input will of course put me in the right direction.
Thanks again,
JLY