The Horsecar, Trois-par-Huit (Part 2 of Hepta Crown) Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi all.  

A little tidbit first: I'm working on the Hepta Crown Challenge (in the Acropolis) and I've chosen the topic below. May as well put it in for critique. The Trois-par-Huit's rules are: Three stanzas of 3, 3, 2  OR 3, 2, 3: 8 lines in total with a syllable count of 3, 6, 9, 12, 12, 9, 6, 3. The rhyming pattern is AAB BBC CC where the last line is the title of the poem and summarizes the meaning of the poem.

Part II of Public Transportation in America (1850s)

The Horsecar

Thoroughfares,
welcomed these cheaper fares
with capacity more than double.

Twice the speed on friction-less railed pavement stubble
forces Omnibus to secondary trouble...

with its inside room, better by far;
and ridership on par…
The Horsecar

© Lorraine M Kanter 27 Aug 2005

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lori,

Interesting piece... a couple of problems you may wish to address if you agree with...

I feel some of the rhymes are a tad "forced." It is difficult - you have to write in form and in subject and in rhyme (part of the form) therefore, something has to give.

"stubble" seems to lie-ill with the poem to my way of thinking. If you feel the same an approach may be to re-consider "trouble" - but I'm sure you've been carefully considering all that.

The other rhyme is "par" - I don't understand its use here. "Par" means average / norm so how can it be "better by far"?

I really wish I could offer some useful suggestions but I am so tied down by that three-way combination: form / rhyme / subject that I'm stumped

This crit sounds too negative for my liking, so let me also say this is an interesting, unusual topic for a poem and you have done very well to create yet another new form - I watch in amazement. I just feel this particular poem isn't quite there yet and I'm annoyed with myself for not offering a way through yet. But I shall keep thinking.

If I don't like a poem I don't crit. I do like this... just needs something to click.

Good luck and thanks for the read.

J.

[JLY]

Lori,
I find this format to be too cumbersome and restrictive; your story line is fine, but because of the tight parameters, it is not as compelling as it could be. The following seems to be a mouthful when reading it over again:
friction-less railed ; I don't have anything to offer as a replacement, but I shall give it some serious thought.
JLY

[AMETHYST]

Hi Lori,

I have to agree that the form (although one of my ultimate favorite forms) doesn't do this subject and the possibilities any justice. I am sitting here with my mouth ajaw, in awe of your intentions and you concept and would love to read Part I ... this is going to be amazing.

Perhaps you would consider revising in either a ballad, or a quatern or even free verse... this is too restrictive for the appetite that the subject holds.

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

You know I love this form but I think in this case it's
too restrictive.  I've been trying to think of a way to
reword some of it but haven't come up with anything
yet.  The rhyme feels unnatural, almost forced.  Sorry!
Just my opinion though.  

What is "railed pavement"?  Sounds like railroad tracks.
I also don't understand what you're getting at with
"ridership on par".  I haven't had much sleep so maybe
I'm missing something. Shock

If I come up with something I will be back!

Cathy  :cowboy:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi James, John, Liz and Cathy!

You've convinced me! I am going to re-write part 1 and part 2 in a different form.

I might post them as new topics and lock this one and the other one when I do as well and just put the link to ther replacement poems in them.

Hold off please on any further crits!

Thanks so much! Back in a few days I hope..

~Cleo

[Guest_Jox_*]

Lori - Good luck (I know re-writes aren't easy) - I'll look forward.

J.