Merry? Go-Round Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Merry? Go-Round (revised with thanks to James, Cathy and Fran)

Once gaily-coloured horse
on endlessly turning
merry-go-round.

Weather-worn,
paint peeling,
chipped,
scarred.

Surrounded by
noise,
bustle,
grime.

Genteel elegance
battered through time.

Fixed rigid:
limited movement
controlled from above  –
up, down,
round and round.

Trapped in never-ending circle;
weighted by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape?
flex restricted limbs;
gallop off - different direction
far from its prison.

Light as a soaring swallow:
riderless,
         unencumbered,
                             independent,
                                                  free.



----------------------------------------------

Merry-Go-Round (original)

A once gaily-coloured horse
stands on endlessly turning
merry-go-round:
weather worn,
paint peeling,
chipped, scarred:
surrounded by noise,
bustle and grime:
genteel elegance
battered through time.

Rigidly fixed on its platform:
limited movement
controlled from above  –
up, down,
round and round:
trapped in never-ending circle;
weighed down by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape -
flex restricted limbs;
gallop off in divergent direction
far from its prison cage;
light as a swallow soaring high:
riderless,
unencumbered,
independent,
free.


Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Good morning Nina!

This is a unique perspective!

A once gaily-coloured horse
stands on endlessly turning atop an endlessly rotating?
merry-go-round:
weather worn,
paint peeling,
chipped, scarred:
surrounded by noise,
bustle and grime:
genteel elegance
battered through time.  I like these two lines.

Rigidly fixed on its platform:
limited movement
controlled from above  –
up, down,
round and round:
trapped in never-ending circle;
weighed down by burdens carried:  weighted by burdens carried?
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape -
flex restricted limbs;
gallop off in divergent direction
far from its prison cage;
light as a swallow soaring high:
riderless,
unencumbered,
independent,
free.

Just a couple of suggestions that you can toss with the bathwater
if you'd rather!  LOL

Cathy

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina.

My fav folk group - The Yetties (from Yetminster in Dorset, UK) do a fab song about the demise of The Punch and Judy Man. This is different but has a similar feel. But more optimistic in the end. Wonderful.

I spent ages trying to explain various suggestions and finally put them all in a suggested revision at the end.

You know the rest - as always, as you like it.

Many thanks for the read, J.

[b]Merry[?]-Go-Round

{A} once gaily-coloured horse
{stands on} endlessly turning [on]
merry-go-round:
weather worn,
paint peeling,
chipped, scarred:
surrounded by noise,
bustle and grime:
genteel elegance
battered through time.

Re-structuring suggested:

surrounded by:
noise,
bustle
grime -

genteel elegance
battered over time.


Rigidly fixed on its platform:
limited movement
controlled from above –
up, down,
round and round:
trapped in never-ending circle;
weighed down by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape {-}[?]
{f}[F]lex restricted limbs{;}[...]

---------------------------------------

gallop off in divergent direction***

*** For me, this line doesn’t quite work...

You are talking about “A once gaily-coloured horse” (singular). So, unless it splits itself, it can’t gallop in divergent direction - which is plural, despite the lack of “S” - I think you mean different from simply going round? Also “off” seems superfluous - though, actually, for me it wrks as the horse dis-mounts the roundabout - hence “off”.

OK, what about something like:-

gallop away in any direction

?

-----------------------------------------

far from its prison cage;
light as a swallow soaring high:
riderless,

unencumbered,
independent,
free.

What about...

unencumbered,
                   independent,
                                     free.


Just an idea to show the horse galloping away?


===========================

OK, I’m losing the plot here so I’ll put all my ideas (and any more I think of) into a full suggestion:

(Watch my hyphenation - I hyphenate everything)
(Verse splits - you may wish to play with these, re-combine etc)

Merry? Go-Round

Once gaily-coloured horse
endlessly turns on
merry-go-round.

Weather-worn,
paint peeling,
chipped,
scarred.

Surrounded by
noise,
bustle,
grime.

Genteel elegance
battered through time.

Movements rigidly controlled
from above –
up, down,
round and round.

Trapped in never-ending circle;
weighed-down by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape?
Flex restricted limbs;
gallop away - any direction,
far from prison.

Light as a soaring swallow:
riderless,
         unencumbered,
                   independent,
                                           free.[/b]

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

This is a unique perspective!
Thank you and thanks also for your suggestions.

A once gaily-coloured horse
stands on endlessly turning atop an endlessly rotating?
merry-go-round:
weather worn,
paint peeling,
chipped, scarred:
surrounded by noise,
bustle and grime:
genteel elegance
battered through time.  I like these two lines.

atop makes it sound as if the horse is at the top of the Merry-go-round, rather than part of it.

I'm glad you like those two lines.  

Rigidly fixed on its platform:
limited movement
controlled from above  –
up, down,
round and round:
trapped in never-ending circle;
weighed down by burdens carried:  weighted by burdens carried?
yes, I like the suggestion  :grinning:

Thanks

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

My fav folk group - The Yetties (from Yetminster in Dorset, UK) do a fab song about the demise of The Punch and Judy Man. This is different but has a similar feel. But more optimistic in the end. Wonderful.
interesting.  I've never heard the song, but I may have a look and see if I can find the lyrics on google.

I spent ages trying to explain various suggestions and finally put them all in a suggested revision at the end.
thanks for taking the time to do this, much appreciated.

OK, I’m losing the plot here so I’ll put all my ideas (and any more I think of) into a full suggestion:
oh dear, sorry about that.  Thanks for persevering despite having to track down the plot.  

Probably easiest if I respond to your final suggested revision as well.

Merry? Go-Round
yes, the question-mark is a good idea

on second thoughts the question-mark may not be a good idea because it gives me a ****** emoticon where I don't want one.
Once gaily-coloured horse
endlessly turns on
merry-go-round.
hmm this needs a bit of thought.  Do I want the very subtle change in meaning from the passive action of the horse on the endlessly turning merry-go-round (almost as if it is caught up in something it can't escape from) to the active, where the horse is the one doing the turning? also too much hyphenation for my liking

Weather-worn,
paint peeling,
chipped,
scarred.

Surrounded by
noise,
bustle,
grime.

Genteel elegance
battered through time.
yes, I'm happy with the breaks in the verse.


Movements rigidly controlled
from above –
up, down,
round and round.
again it slightly changes the meaning, losing the idea of the horse being rigidly fixed to the merry-go-round by the pole and what limited movement it has being controlled by someone else.

Trapped in never-ending circle;
weighed-down by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape?
Flex restricted limbs;
gallop away - any direction,
far from prison.

Light as a soaring swallow:
riderless,
        unencumbered,
                  independent,
                                          free.

I'm happy with the verse breaks and punctuation and I like the movement across the page of the last four words.

I agree with you that divergent is incorrect, but I think I would prefer:
gallop off in different direction, keeping off because it does give the notion of dismounting from the merry-go-round.

Many thanks for the suggestions, plenty of "food for thought"

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Thanks for your reply.

I didn't mean I lost your plot - I lost where I was in my complex reply :)

Just de-select:

"Do you wish to enable emoticons for this post?"

and you can have your question mark if you wish.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

I didn't mean I lost your plot - I lost where I was in my complex reply :)
I knew what you meant, was just trying (and failing miserably) to make a joke.  I know "don't give up the day job"  

Just de-select:

"Do you wish to enable emoticons for this post?"

and you can have your question mark if you wish.
OK, thanks

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Good morning, Nina

An interesting philosophical question. Does it yearn for freedom, or does it feel safe in it's confined life, where it has companions,  purpose, direction (albeit going nowhere in fact) and belongs ... ?

I did start to read the other crits, but I think I began to loose the plot, too, so here's my own attempt ...

A once gaily-coloured horse
{stands on} endlessly turning
[on] merry-go-round:
weather worn,  --- hyphen ?
paint peeling,
chipped, scarred:
surrounded by noise,
bustle {and} grime:
genteel elegance  
battered through time.  

You paint the picture so very well; have a lovely vision now in my mind.

Not quite sure if carosels could have genteel elegance? would bright exuberance or similar work?

Rigidly fixed {on its platform}:
limited movement
{controlled from above  –} --- line a tad confusing: God ? man ? Pulleys ? ... or did you want that double take?
up, down,
round and round:
trapped in never-ending circle;  --- wonderful!
weighed down by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Not quite sure about that penultimate line. Would it work swapped with last ? 'burdens carried' = tautological ?

Does it yearn to escape -
flex restricted limbs;
gallop off {in divergent direction} --- ouch  : )
far from its prison cage;
light as a swallow soaring high:
riderless,
unencumbered,
independent,
free.

The last verse poses a question, so the prose bit of me feels there ought to be a question mark floating around somewhere or other, but not sure where - first line or last?

Hope some of that may be of use. As usual - feel free to toss if not in keeping with your intentions.

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

An interesting philosophical question. Does it yearn for freedom, or does it feel safe in it's confined life, where it has companions,  purpose, direction (albeit going nowhere in fact) and belongs ... ?
Thanks Fran, you have my meaning  :laugh: the merry-go-round horse is just a vehicle for looking at the mundane and routine in our lives.  We go round and round doing the same thing day in day out, its confining, controlled, boring and wears us down over the years, but as you say it is safe, secure and we know what to expect, have friends purpose, but actually as you say we are going nowhere other than in circles.  Do people ever long to jump off the merry-go-round into the unknown out of their "comfort zones" and do something different, out of the ordinary, take a risk and feel a sort of freedom.

Thanks for your suggestions

A once gaily-coloured horse
{stands on} endlessly turning
[on] merry-go-round:
weather worn,  --- hyphen ?
paint peeling,
chipped, scarred:
surrounded by noise,
bustle {and} grime:
genteel elegance  
battered through time.  
James made the same suggestion and I really need to think on this one carefully


Not quite sure if carosels could have genteel elegance? would bright exuberance or similar work?
the genteel elegance is meant to refer to the horse

Rigidly fixed {on its platform}:
limited movement
{controlled from above  –} --- line a tad confusing: God ? man ? Pulleys ? ... or did you want that double take?
yes, I did want the double take on this

Not quite sure about that penultimate line. Would it work swapped with last ? 'burdens carried' = tautological ?
I will look at the line.  Cathy made a suggestion that I like, I don't know if that would work better, though it wouldn't do away with your question-mark of tautology unless I dropped carried.

Does it yearn to escape -
flex restricted limbs;
gallop off {in divergent direction} --- ouch  : )
far from its prison cage;
light as a swallow soaring high:
riderless,
unencumbered,
independent,
free.

The last verse poses a question, so the prose bit of me feels there ought to be a question mark floating around somewhere or other, but not sure where - first line or last?
divergent will be revised, thanks and James has showed me where to put the question mark.

Thanks for your help

Cheers

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

I have now made some revisions to this.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Nina, It is looking good.  :pharoah2

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks Fran



Nina

[Cybele]

Good morning Nina,

You are descibing one of my favourite things here. I have always loved merry-go-round horses. They are so elegant, as you say!

Once gaily-coloured horse
on endlessly turning
merry-go-round.

I know you have a stanza relating to its fixed position but might I  suggest one extra line in this first stanza for a little more impact into the way you feel about this horse ?

Once gaily-coloured horse
eternally impaled
on endlessly turning
merry-go-round

And then..

Genteel elegance
battered through time.

Genteel
time-battered elegance ?

Lovely unique take on the merry-go-round (not just for children!  )  

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

Thanks for your suggestion which I will have a more in depth look at tonight when I get home.

You are descibing one of my favourite things here. I have always loved merry-go-round horses. They are so elegant, as you say!
I like looking at them when they are not moving, but watching them turn makes me feel dizzy and I have never actually been on a merry-go-round because anything that turns makes me feel really sick.  I always felt that I missed out as a child because any time I went on a playground roundabout, I was sick and even swings make me feel ill, though could just about put up with that.

Nina

[Cybele]

I like looking at them when they are not moving, but watching them turn makes me feel dizzy and I have never actually been on a merry-go-round because anything that turns makes me feel really sick.  I always felt that I missed out as a child because any time I went on a playground roundabout, I was sick and even swings make me feel ill, though could just about put up with that.

Oh, Poor Nina.

You certainly have missed out. When I am with my grandchildren, I will ride a carousel at the drop of a hat (Whether they want to go on it or not! )  

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

You certainly have missed out. When I am with my grandchildren, I will ride a carousel at the drop of a hat (Whether they want to go on it or not! )
hehe good for you.  I bet your grandchildren love it.  I was always cheap to take to the fair, there wasn't much I could go on (loved the dodgems though)

Nina

[Cybele]

Hi Nina,

You certainly have missed out. When I am with my grandchildren, I will ride a carousel at the drop of a hat (Whether they want to go on it or not! )

hehe good for you.  I bet your grandchildren love it.  I was always cheap to take to the fair, there wasn't much I could go on (loved the dodgems though)

Ah! There you have me Nina. I don't like the dodgems. I always seemed to climb off with a mild case of whiplash! Ugh!!  

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Nina.

I really think your revised version is pretty polished here. I LOVE it!

You've captured the essense of a carousel  horse and now make us ponder what they would do if they could detach themselves from the merry-go-round and run away....  :detective:

You could do more with this piece too if you wished to - describe the different items on teh merry-go-round - the benches and other animals - how their color palettes differ.....

Do they like the music?

Well done!
~Cleo  :cloud9:

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

I really think your revised version is pretty polished here. I LOVE it!

You've captured the essense of a carousel  horse and now make us ponder what they would do if they could detach themselves from the merry-go-round and run away....

Thank you.

You could do more with this piece too if you wished to - describe the different items on teh merry-go-round - the benches and other animals - how their color palettes differ.....

Do they like the music?
an interesting idea but not one I would want to use with this piece.  The merry-go-round is meant to be a metaphor for life and the "treadmill" we get ourselves stuck on, doing the same thing day-in, day-out (well I do anyway), the routine and mundane - work, housework, shopping, sleeping, eating etc - and perhaps yearning to do something completely different, to escape, get off this never-ending cycle that traps us.

I think perhaps the metaphor hasn't worked as the message hasn't come across at all.  

thanks

Nina