 Seduction By Starlight |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jan 24 04, 20:42
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#1
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
I have taken a poem I posted on Homer's Homilies some time ago...`Kisses' and changed it into a sonnet... (made it a bit more suggestive too
 )Seduction by Starlight (sonnet) The curtain’s drawn; a spangled velvet sheet creates a welcome shade from daylight’s heat. As seas of slumber surge on earth, the night’s soft moonbeams dance in dim seductive light. Bold eyes entice the sky, they wink to flirt; she fingers silver buttons on his shirt and proudly flaunts the galaxies of gems on midnight’s hand. Bright sequins lift her hem as stellar rays embrace the dark. She sighs when kisses scatter over sultry skies; a supernova bursts in rising clouds a climax of the night … she gasps aloud! The curtain opens slowly … not to rush as dawn peeps out the sky begins to blush. Kisses (original from HH) The winking stars caress the night and sigh as diamond clusters kiss the blackened sky A spangled curtain covers earth below, creating velvet shade from daylight’s glow. As moonbeams dance to lull us into dreams they merge with soft seductive light, and beam embracing rays across the shadowed land to flaunt the bands of gems on midnight’s hand. The sky exudes romance and gasps aloud when kisses scatter over darkened cloud. A sleepy moon appeals to night. " Ssh... hush!" As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush. Snow, I've removed an odd "space at the start of line 8. Hope you don't mind ! Alan ·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
  
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Jan 25 04, 02:09
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#2
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Dear Snow
Well, I love the original. Seems I recall your saying then that you might revise into a sonnet ? Good news, I love the sonnet as well. Seems very insouciant, very playful. Can't find any nits at all except that odd space which I killed for you ! Love Alan |
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Jan 25 04, 04:07
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#3
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
oh Dear Lord,
Snow, this is impeccable! beautifully well written...I'm practicing writing sonnets and still working on grasping the whole meter thing. This sounds very good to me... I salute you sweetie! Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Jan 25 04, 12:32
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#4
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Snow!
What a wonderful surprise!   Isn't it neat to take a poem and create another from the ideas bursting forth? This is a wonderful sonnet and really, I wouldn't change anything! Pretty! Cleo  Seduction by Starlight (sonnet) The curtain’s drawn; a spangled velvet sheet creates a welcome shade from daylight’s heat. As seas of slumber surge on earth, the night’s soft moonbeams dance in dim seductive light. Lovely opening! Bold eyes entice the sky, they wink to flirt; she fingers silver buttons on his shirt and proudly flaunts the galaxies of gems on midnight’s hand. Bright sequins lift her hem as stellar rays embrace the dark. She sighs when kisses scatter over sultry skies; a supernova bursts in rising clouds a climax of the night … she gasps aloud! AWESOME imagery! The curtain opens slowly … not to rush as dawn peeps out the sky begins to blush. ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner   |
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Jan 28 04, 04:08
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#5
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Snow,
This is an Impeccable read!!! The sensuality and beautiful emotions linger even after you finish reading... hugs Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Jan 29 04, 19:31
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#6
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE(Alan @ Jan. 25 2004, 01:09) Dear Snow Well, I love the original. Seems I recall your saying then that you might revise into a sonnet ? Good news, I love the sonnet as well. Seems very insouciant, very playful. Can't find any nits at all except that odd space which I killed for you ! Love Alan Hi Alan Wow... I have done well... no punctuation problems? Thanks for killling that space though  Love Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jan 29 04, 19:34
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#7
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE(Siren @ Jan. 25 2004, 03:07) oh Dear Lord, Snow, this is impeccable! beautifully well written...I'm practicing writing sonnets and still working on grasping the whole meter thing. This sounds very good to me... I salute you sweetie! Daniah Hi Dani ..... and thanks. I have been practicing my sonnet writing which as Tom said is very addictive. Love and hugs Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jan 29 04, 19:34
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#8
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Dear Snow,
Nope, I've checked again, at least for me there ain't none. This is a very smooth read, very professional, very good. IMHO ! Love Alan |
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Jan 29 04, 19:37
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#9
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE(Alan @ Jan. 29 2004, 18:34) Dear Snow, Nope, I've checked again, at least for me there ain't none. This is a very smooth read, very professional, very good. IMHO ! Love Alan Dear Alan Wee heee!! I must be improving :cheer: :huh: :read: :jester: Hugs Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jan 29 04, 19:42
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#10
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Dear Snow
No. ImproveD ! Love Alan As a matter of curiousity, becasue some get very impatient when their punctuation is queried, do you find that whatever help you have been given with it has helped you ? If so, how ? |
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Jan 29 04, 19:44
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#11
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE(Cleo_Serapis @ Jan. 25 2004, 11:32) Hi Snow! What a wonderful surprise! Isn't it neat to take a poem and create another from the ideas bursting forth? This is a wonderful sonnet and really, I wouldn't change anything! Pretty! Cleo Hi Lori Thanks!  Yes I am going through a lot of my `oldies' at the moment and trying to improve them. It's good fun!  :pharoah2   Hugs Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jan 30 04, 01:56
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#12
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Egyptian Posts: 427 Joined: 5-August 03 From: Oregon, USA Member No.: 8 Real Name: Dolly Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Snow,
This poem is very interesting as you have a good way with words and placement. I've not yet tried a sonnet, but someday hope to.  Blessings, Dolly 
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Feb 3 04, 18:50
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#13
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE(Athena @ Jan. 30 2004, 00:56) Hi Snow, This poem is very interesting as you have a good way with words and placement. I've not yet tried a sonnet, but someday hope to. Blessings, Dolly Hi Dolly  You must try a sonnet soon, I am finding them very addictive   Thanks for your interest Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Feb 3 04, 18:58
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#14
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE(Alan @ Jan. 29 2004, 18:42) Dear Snow No. ImproveD ! Love Alan As a matter of curiousity, becasue some get very impatient when their punctuation is queried, do you find that whatever help you have been given with it has helped you ? If so, how ? Hello Alan Sorry I'm a bit slow getting back to you.  I find punctuation advice helpful as it is not my strong point ... simple as that. Also, punctuation is usually the last thing I put right when I write a poem ... the finishing touch so to speak. I'm always glad of a little help ... from my friend Love Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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