Assigned Fate, Wizard Award Options

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Needs much work, especially with punctuation.

----------


Assigned Fate

There in the thickness of thought lies uncertainty
with tangled tentacles of fear unfolding, extending.
They ease about a motionless body as if in a dream,
yet these eyes are wide open to the stifling event

Time shows no mercy on this tired soul.
It steals what it will and stands unyielding,
leaving pride and dignity but faded memories,
holding hopes and dreams to ransom that can’t be paid

The clock ticks away minutes to hours dauntingly.
Both racing and crawling in the same dimension,
igniting confusion and worry as one flame
to burn within a soul already tortured.

Is there no charm to dismiss this blackened veil,
or blade to cut through these chains of remorse?
Where is the potion to usher in the blue,
the musicians to fill this silent void?

Here in the hour when normality is at sleep
the heart that struggled to fight back lets go.
And once twisted into total submission
is thrust below the quicksand of despair.

Heedless souls pass by in light pursuit,
leaving no mourners to sigh the loss.
Is there no one to light a single candle
to guide the deviated to a better place?

Thus alone the traveler is left in limbo
lost among the spirits that will not speak.
Here in the internal darkness of nothing
forever remains the shattered life of waste.

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

This was a good read.

My only nit is that it seems too wordy(?). I would like to see if you can pare this down to the essentials wherein it would the emotional impact, rather than dragging it along.

[Psyche]

Wow, Jackie! This is the sort of poem I go for. The style and content that makes one think, rejoice in its profundity and read several times. Nowadays everything is so synthetically clipped down to bare essentials... sometimes I think we'll go back to 'Tarzan speak'...haha... if we keep dropping all the articles, prepositions, conjunctions, etc..

Congrats, Jackie, I might perhaps make a few comments, but I'll have to step carefully since it's a highly philosophical theme...and very moving, as well.

There in the thickness of thought lies uncertainty
with tangled tentacles of fear unfolding, extending.
They ease about a motionless body as if in a dream,
yet these eyes are wide open to the stifling event

Good alliterations in L1 and 2. Missing a fullstop at end of strophe. Wonderful opening stanza, your poem already makes me quiver with er... fear!

Time shows no mercy on this tired soul.
It steals what it will and stands unyielding, Brilliant, Jackie!! But how about 'It steals at will and stands unyielding?

leaving pride and dignity but faded memories,
holding hopes and dreams to ransom that can’t be paid

L4 seems a little long. Maybe remove either 'hopes' or 'dreams'? Fullstop missing. These are very touching lines..wow..

The clock ticks away minutes to hours dauntingly. I think you need a comma after dauntingly, then L2 not capitalized, to make it flow better.

Both racing and crawling in the same dimension, Maybe a semi-colon after dimension?

igniting confusion and worry as one flame
to burn within a soul already tortured.

It's all brilliant Jackie, whatever you decide to do. Exemplary lines, not often met with nowadays. I'm so pleased I dropped by!


Is there no charm to dismiss this blackened veil,
or blade to cut through these chains of remorse? Perhaps 'pierce' or 'sunder' instead of cut?
Where is the potion to usher in the blue,
the musicians to fill this silent void? Very beautiful.

Here in the hour when normality is at sleep asleep?
the heart that struggled to fight back lets go. resist?
And once twisted into total submission
is thrust below the quicksand of despair.

Heedless souls pass by in light pursuit,
leaving no mourners to sigh the loss.
Is there no one to light a single candle
to guide the deviated to a better place? I like the way you question fate.

Thus alone the traveler is left in limbo
lost among the spirits that will not speak.
Here in the internal darkness of nothing
forever remains the shattered life of waste.

How about 'a shattered life of waste'?

Wonderful poem, Jackie. The last stanza, and line, makes one shudder. The gloomy atmosphere throughout, with the MC questioning his/her assigned fate, is deftly maintained right to the end. The finale is definitive, there's no escaping fate...!

Thanks for sharing this profound work.
Hugs, Sylvia

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Jackie,

My vote is that it is too verbose.
Thanks for sharing.

Dear Sylvia,

Every hero and heroin needs a side kick to envoke dialog.
In the case of Tarzan:
Whoosh.
Jane asks,
"Who was that masked man?"

Don

[Psyche]

Dear Jackie,

My vote is that it is too verbose.
Thanks for sharing.


Hi Don!
Gee, I wasn't brought up on American English...wow.... I write 'heroine' and 'dialogue', so you're way ahead of me in conciseness!
BTW, did Tarzan wear a mask? Or am I missing your humour, sorry, humor....haha...

Anyway, diversity in poetry is more interesting, IMHO. I find Jackie's poem highly striking, the last 2 stanzas remind me of the 'shades' in Hades, emotionally void but eternal, and capable of damming the living... Jackie herself admits it needs much work, so perhaps she'll profit from your vote!
Cheers,
Syl ***

Dear Sylvia,

Every hero and heroin needs a side kick to envoke dialog.
In the case of Tarzan:
Whoosh.
Jane asks,
"Who was that masked man?"

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Sylvia,

Verbose poetry is well accepted. My opinion is strictly opinion. My bias stems from activities outside MM of writing poems without adverbs and adjectives. I wrote a poem reflecting the frustration of writing them, but it is mixed free verse and rhymed to confuse me as to where it might be placed here at MM.

Tarzan did not wear a mask. The quote of who was that masked man was overused in The Lone Ranger, who did wear a mask. Hence, levity was intended.

Jackie is a far better poet than she allows herself to tout. That is what we do it for her as friends. It is immodest to toot one's own horn.

As to errors, heroin is a drug and should have been heroine. Both dialogue and dialog are acceptable.

Smiling in our freezing sunlight.

Don

[Psyche]

HO HO... Don! Pulling my leg again... pity my S. American upbringing, have a heart.

I used to love The Lone Ranger, as well as Tarzan. Not Batman. Wait till I get back to you with that gaucho talk we were having.

BTW, I looked up 'heroin' in the Ox, and it's also valid. But it doesn't look good, does it?

Trouble is, I'm not fond of the word 'verbose' in a crit forum. Not that I think Jackie's poem is verbose. I'd call it rich, with well-chosen vocabulary... Just my sort of style, not to worry. I think she's highly talented, as you do.

Where are you, Jackie?!

Last but not least, Don, do post your 'frustrating' poem here in this forum, it's not half as strict as over the wall in R&F. I always get a bashing when I cross that frontier!

Hope your smile has unfrozen,
Syl ***

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

This was a good read.

My only nit is that it seems too wordy(?). I would like to see if you can pare this down to the essentials wherein it would the emotional impact, rather than dragging it along.

Hi There Xanadu,

Thanks and yes... I do tend to get a bit wordy. In this case, however, I may leave it as such. As anyone who has suffered depression knows it is at those moments that thoughts race through you uncontrolably. If spoken aloud they would be bursting from the speaker in a sort of urgency. Though it could still use some cleaning up I will probably keep the length just for that reason.

~~@ Jackie

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Wow, Jackie! This is the sort of poem I go for. The style and content that makes one think, rejoice in its profundity and read several times. Nowadays everything is so synthetically clipped down to bare essentials... sometimes I think we'll go back to 'Tarzan speak'...haha... if we keep dropping all the articles, prepositions, conjunctions, etc..

Congrats, Jackie, I might perhaps make a few comments, but I'll have to step carefully since it's a highly philosophical theme...and very moving, as well.

There in the thickness of thought lies uncertainty
with tangled tentacles of fear unfolding, extending.
They ease about a motionless body as if in a dream,
yet these eyes are wide open to the stifling event

Good alliterations in L1 and 2. Missing a fullstop at end of strophe. Wonderful opening stanza, your poem already makes me quiver with er... fear!

Time shows no mercy on this tired soul.
It steals what it will and stands unyielding, Brilliant, Jackie!! But how about 'It steals at will and stands unyielding?

leaving pride and dignity but faded memories,
holding hopes and dreams to ransom that can’t be paid

L4 seems a little long. Maybe remove either 'hopes' or 'dreams'? Fullstop missing. These are very touching lines..wow..

The clock ticks away minutes to hours dauntingly. I think you need a comma after dauntingly, then L2 not capitalized, to make it flow better.

Both racing and crawling in the same dimension, Maybe a semi-colon after dimension?

igniting confusion and worry as one flame
to burn within a soul already tortured.

It's all brilliant Jackie, whatever you decide to do. Exemplary lines, not often met with nowadays. I'm so pleased I dropped by!


Is there no charm to dismiss this blackened veil,
or blade to cut through these chains of remorse? Perhaps 'pierce' or 'sunder' instead of cut?
Where is the potion to usher in the blue,
the musicians to fill this silent void? Very beautiful.

Here in the hour when normality is at sleep asleep?
the heart that struggled to fight back lets go. resist?
And once twisted into total submission
is thrust below the quicksand of despair.

Heedless souls pass by in light pursuit,
leaving no mourners to sigh the loss.
Is there no one to light a single candle
to guide the deviated to a better place? I like the way you question fate.

Thus alone the traveler is left in limbo
lost among the spirits that will not speak.
Here in the internal darkness of nothing
forever remains the shattered life of waste.

How about 'a shattered life of waste'?

Wonderful poem, Jackie. The last stanza, and line, makes one shudder. The gloomy atmosphere throughout, with the MC questioning his/her assigned fate, is deftly maintained right to the end. The finale is definitive, there's no escaping fate...!

Thanks for sharing this profound work.
Hugs, Sylvia

Hi Sylvia,

Oh my but you have made my day. I'm so pleased you liked it despite the content. I love your suggestions but have to admit you'lll have to explain 'full stop' to me. I tend to just plop down thoughts and need a lot of help with technical issues, especially punctuation. Hopefully I can get around to revising this soon.

Thanks for the kind words.
~~@ Jackie

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Dear Jackie,

My vote is that it is too verbose.
Thanks for sharing.

Don

Hi there, Don,

I'm so dense I had to go look up 'verbose'.
It is indeed such but I explained my reasons for that in my reply to Xanadu. However, anyone reading my work knows I have that habit as a general rule anyway.

Thanks for the review.
~~@ Jackie

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Hi Don!
Gee, I wasn't brought up on American English...wow.... I write 'heroine' and 'dialogue', so you're way ahead of me in conciseness!
BTW, did Tarzan wear a mask? Or am I missing your humour, sorry, humor....haha...

Anyway, diversity in poetry is more interesting, IMHO. I find Jackie's poem highly striking, the last 2 stanzas remind me of the 'shades' in Hades, emotionally void but eternal, and capable of damming the living... Jackie herself admits it needs much work, so perhaps she'll profit from your vote!
Cheers,
Syl ***[/color]

Hi Sylvia & Don,
It took me a few seconds to get the masked man comment. I get a kick out of a lot of Don's comments but sometimes the humor is so deep it goes over my head.

For someone who wants to claim to be a writer I am not at all well read. "Shades' in Hades sounds a bit familiar but I'm sure I've never read it. Is it a poem or story? Thanks again for the kind words Sylvia.

I always benifit from the responses I get... my problem is to follow through with making changes. By the time I can find the time to work on writing I already have other thoughts filling my brain and am too lazy to go back and tend to old work. I have a mountain of it that has never made it into my 'completed' folders.

~~@ Jackie

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Dear Sylvia,

Verbose poetry is well accepted. My opinion is strictly opinion. My bias stems from activities outside MM of writing poems without adverbs and adjectives. I wrote a poem reflecting the frustration of writing them, but it is mixed free verse and rhymed to confuse me as to where it might be placed here at MM.

Tarzan did not wear a mask. The quote of who was that masked man was overused in The Lone Ranger, who did wear a mask. Hence, levity was intended.

Jackie is a far better poet than she allows herself to tout. That is what we do it for her as friends. It is immodest to toot one's own horn.

As to errors, heroin is a drug and should have been heroine. Both dialogue and dialog are acceptable.

Smiling in our freezing sunlight.

Don

Hi again Don,

You guys have quite a conversation going here. Sorry I missed out on it till now.

Thanks for noting that 'verbose' poetry is acceptable. In most forums I've written in the majority of readers don't care for it much. However, there are always one or two who like it. Perhaps my problem is that I am more of a story teller in prose and have always struggled to condense my thoughts well in poetry. I do tend to ramble but sometimes it works for a few. I do hope you'll share the poem you spoke of and let me know if you post it. I like 'frustration on writing' poetry.

I liked the humor of your 'masked man' comment but wasn't Cheetah his side kick? Just teasing.

Thanks for the kind words on my skills as a poet. I have never really considered that my forte so find it encouraging when someone sees that. Thus I won't give up on trying just yet.

Thanks also for the clarification of spellings. I'm lousy at that. Sometimes my spelling is so far off I can't find it in the dictionary or bring it up on spell check.

~~@ Jackie

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Trouble is, I'm not fond of the word 'verbose' in a crit forum. Not that I think Jackie's poem is verbose. I'd call it rich, with well-chosen vocabulary... Just my sort of style, not to worry. I think she's highly talented, as you do.

Where are you, Jackie?!

Last but not least, Don, do post your 'frustrating' poem here in this forum, it's not half as strict as over the wall in R&F. I always get a bashing when I cross that frontier!

Hope your smile has unfrozen,
Syl ***

Hey Sylvia Here I am!

I have had a much harder time getting back in the forum than usual. I haven't even checked this email account until this morning. I'm still unpacking and trying to find work which is taking up far more time than I thought it would. Am also trying to force myself back to doing artwork again and that is a long process as well.

I agree that Don should post his poem and he lets me know WHEN he does. (hint, hint)

Your generous comments on my work has overwhelmed me. I'm hoping to hide out from the world today and actually find time to do a little reading. Hopefully, I can find something of yours... or do you have a favorite you would care for me to read?

~~@ Jackie

[Psyche]

Hi Jackie!

I've also been AWOL, but only for 2 or 3 days. I see you've noticed that "The mice play while the cat is away"! Meaning that all sorts of dialogues have cropped up in your absence, in this thread.

I really admire your poem, so it's good to know that my comments boosted your mood for the day. I took a peek at your profile and see that you're an accomplished person in all sorts of activities... wow... can't say that for myself!

I live in Argentina and was taught British English, so I also have problems with spelling, since here we also speak Spanish... quite a mess! I was taught that a full stop is a period, or dot...

But I can certainly explain about shades in Hades. Hades was the underwold of the Ancient Greeks. Everybody went there on dying. They became "shades" because apparently they were sort of transparent but quite recognizable, not like an invisible spirit. In Hades, they lost all feelings and emotions, but could converse and even eat!
It was pretty grim down there, but not half as bad as the Christian hell. They even had a King and a Queen, Pluto and Persephone. Live people were often sent on missions to Hades. Psyche (that's my nick...), was sent by Aphrodite to beg some beauty off Persephone, since poor Aphrodite needed a face-lift....haha...

For the dead to reach Hades, they had to pay the boatman some coins to cross the river Styx. People went quite willingly, and the custom was to put coins on the eyes of corpses at burial, so that they would have petty cash for the crossing....Oh, there's lots more, a mix of real beliefs and myths, so I'll stop here or Don will say I'm verbose!

Back to your poem, it reminds me a little of 'shades' since you mention 'heedless souls', 'light pursuit', the traveler left in limbo (Hades was a sort of limbo, the Christian limbo derived from there, or purgatory, but it's recently been removed from the Catholic dogma...). The ancient Greeks were fatalists, and certainly nobody lighted candles to guide them to a better place...although latter on Plato imagined a beautiful Isle where the good people went, three centuries B.C.


Heedless souls pass by in light pursuit,
leaving no mourners to sigh the loss.
Is there no one to light a single candle
to guide the deviated to a better place?........I like the way you question fate.

Thus alone the traveler is left in limbo
lost among the spirits that will not speak.
Here in the internal darkness of nothing.....Sounds like Hades!
forever remains the shattered life of waste

Anyway, you mention that is the way a depressed person feels, and I can relate to that, except that you've excelled at poeticizing that condition, so that readers can make different readings, parallel interpretations, etc.

I'm off now, to enjoy a rather glorious summer day!
Hugs, Sylvia ***

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi there, Don,

I'm so dense I had to go look up 'verbose'.
It is indeed such but I explained my reasons for that in my reply to Xanadu. However, anyone reading my work knows I have that habit as a general rule anyway.

Thanks for the review.
~~@ Jackie

I am being biased from two fronts. One is a mentor who prefers zero adverbs and adjectives. The second is excessive exposure to Presidential wannabes that have nothing to say, but must speak. Verbose has an unwelcome negative nuance on its shirt tails. I did not use prolixity, which carries connotation of being tedious.

Bless you

Don

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Wow, Sylvia,

You are a wealth of information on this. My youngest son is the one who is up on Greek mythology. I remember being interested it in my (ehem) younger days but somehow got more in tune with the ancient Egyptian culture. Hence, the story behind my avitar. **S**

Thanks for explaining that all to me. Makes sense to me now and I always wondered were the custom of putting silver dollers on the eyes of the dead came from. Most interesting stuff.

I wouldn't worry about how you learned English. We have many here from the UK and both speak English but I often have to have them translate some of their common terms for me. I truly admire anyone who can speak more than one language.

Though Catholic I'm not exactly a practicing one. Much has changed in the church over the years but an old girl like me has a hard time forgetting what I was taught. **S** I don't know as if lighting candles was to guide them over as much as a means to pray for their soul. One would think we are pyromaniacs for as much as we use any excuse to light candles.

I took a peek at your profile and see that you're an accomplished person in all sorts of activities... wow... can't say that for myself!

Hugs, Sylvia ***

LOL... I can't say I'm accomplished... more of a 'Jack(ie) of all trades - master of none'.

Thanks for sharing.
~~<@ Jackie

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

I am being biased from two fronts. One is a mentor who prefers zero adverbs and adjectives. The second is excessive exposure to Presidential wannabes that have nothing to say, but must speak. Verbose has an unwelcome negative nuance on its shirt tails. I did not use prolixity, which carries connotation of being tedious.

Bless you

Don

**Grin** So by saying it is verbose you mean it is negatively unwelcomed rather than just being tedious, eh? Just teasing you. I sometimes get bored with my own writing when I go back to read it later but still struggle to pair it down to reasonable size.

The problem often reminds me of a scene from the movie 'Amedeus' where the king describes Mozart's piece as having 'too many notes'. **S**Not that I can be compared to him. But I still hold there are times when it works... I just happen to overuse the times that it doesn't.

Thanks for the honest feedback. It is always greatly appreciated.

~~<@ Jackie

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Rosemarta,

You are fine. My stuff tends to be too short. Or as Gary Cooper might say to cover everything, "Yep."

Don

[Psyche]

Hi Don!
I've been following this thread but no time to join in the fun!
How about 'substantial' or 'elaborate', or even 'profuse' or 'extensive'?!

Just getting back to our sable rattling (or was it gaucho knives?), hope you're musing away with a beautiful new Muse, and will show us 'her' work soon.

Cheers, Syl ***

Hi there, Don,

I'm so dense I had to go look up 'verbose'.
It is indeed such but I explained my reasons for that in my reply to Xanadu. However, anyone reading my work knows I have that habit as a general rule anyway.

Thanks for the review.
~~@ Jackie

I am being biased from two fronts. One is a mentor who prefers zero adverbs and adjectives. The second is excessive exposure to Presidential wannabes that have nothing to say, but must speak. Verbose has an unwelcome negative nuance on its shirt tails. I did not use prolixity, which carries connotation of being tedious.

Bless you

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Psyche, et al,

Yes, I have two poems to place into R&M.

A pantoum: UFOs Abound
without adverbs or adjectives.

Also: Samuel Clemens's Curse
about frustration of eliminating adverbs and adjectives, which is his cursed advice toward good writing.

Don

[Psyche]

Hi Jackie-of-all-trades!

I've been AWOL, sorry... Glad I was helpful with mythology!

About all sorts of English, I mostly have difficulty when attempting R&F, because people don't seem to agree on where the emphasis goes. So I get my beat all wrong...

I'm not a practising anything, but I do enjoy strolling into different churches to medidate or pray. Although born in Argentina, I was baptized Anglican. I like to think of myself as spiritual, and I really think we're here for a purpose, hope so. Which reminds me of a dialogue in Dostoviesky's The Brothers Karamazov, where Ivan talks to his brother Aloysha (the monk), and finally agrees that he can believe in God (he's an atheist), but that he can't believe that this world is God's creation. His long monologue is quite convincing, and heartrending, and perhaps we really are on the wrong planet, who knows? Jus' jokin', or not...

Hey, Jackie, back to your poem. I'd love to nominate it for the IBPC, but you'd at least have to put the periods or whatever punctuation you choose to use. That is, if you're iinterested, no obligation!

I don't think Don will say 'nope'...hehe... he's such a teaser!

Hugs,
Sylvia ***

[Psyche]

OK, Don, I'll be climbing that wall presently, to view your poems. Don't linger, hey?!
Syl ***

[Guest_Don_*]

Whoa!

I've yet to post my poems at R&M. Since they mentioned interest, I will send Psyche and Jackie of all trades an announcement here at MM.

Yup and nope.

Don

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Hi Jackie-of-all-trades!
LOL... Hi back at ya!

About all sorts of English, I mostly have difficulty when attempting R&F, because people don't seem to agree on where the emphasis goes. So I get my beat all wrong...
It works best for me to read it aloud a few times but where you may have 'accent' challenges it could be more difficult. There are times just the dilect between regions in the US can be a similar problem

I like to think of myself as spiritual, and I really think we're here for a purpose, hope so. Which reminds me of a dialogue in Dostoviesky's The Brothers Karamazov, where Ivan talks to his brother Aloysha (the monk), and finally agrees that he can believe in God (he's an atheist), but that he can't believe that this world is God's creation. His long monologue is quite convincing, and heartrending, and perhaps we really are on the wrong planet, who knows? Jus' jokin', or not...
I remember seeing the movie many years ago but can't remember the whole quote. I'll have to check it out again sometime. As I may have mentioned before, I am impressed with how well read you are.
Hey, Jackie, back to your poem. I'd love to nominate it for the IBPC, but you'd at least have to put the periods or whatever punctuation you choose to use. That is, if you're iinterested, no obligation!
Heavens! I am quite honored not to mention surprised. Unfortunately I am severly swamped this week (shouldn't even be in here right now) so doubt I could sqeeze in time to reread and make necessary changes (or know what they should be at the moment) to accomplish the update in time. I think the nominations ended yesterday anyway. But I truly do appreciate the thought.

I don't think Don will say 'nope'...hehe... he's such a teaser!
LOL... Ya Think?
Hugs,
Sylvia ***

Thanks again for all your help and being my one man...err... woman cheerleading squad. **smile** I haven't posted any old work (or new for that matter) in a long time. I usually prefer prose (**teehee** with even more verbose writing) and love doing the challenges. I have missed being able to participate in them. Hopefully my world will slow down a little soon so I can get back to something I love.

You gals will have to keep the banter up with Don for me. I have enjoyed catching up on that when I can.

~~<@ Jackie

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Whoa!

I've yet to post my poems at R&M. Since they mentioned interest, I will send Psyche and Jackie of all trades an announcement here at MM.

Yup and nope.

Don

Hi Don,

I hope you know that I have not taken any offense by the comments made of my work. I consider it a learning experience and am grateful for all viewpoints. I hope you haven't minded my teasing you though.

I look forward to reading the posts you speak of and am sure you'll have them up by the time I can find more minutes to spend here. Right now I'm really short on time as more pressing things have me running in circles. But I do want to check them out.

~~<@ Jackie

[Cleo_Serapis]

This is a very enlightening thread Jackie.

I'm bumping this one up as a reminder to myself to make sure I thoroughly read your poem and offer a review as soon as I can.

Be back soon!
~Cleo

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

"Dawllink!" I've missed you Cleo. I haven't had time to get back to this piece so will be anxious to see your notes before I start making corrections. It has been a whirlwind here in my efforts to start over. There is not much money coming in yet but should finally be able to start substitute teaching later next week. Yeah! But I have been juggling a lot of things and STILL unpacking. Ugh!

I've had to put more emphasis on art over writting of late but still hope to get back in here from time to time. Will try to shoot you an email when I get caught up a bit.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Oops! Thanks for the reminder!

I have a few others to return to as well, hopefully tomorrow after I do some errands...

TTYL
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Jackie on your wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo


P.S. I still owe a crit for this tile, too!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Jackie,

I'm back to offer some ideas for a different stanza layout in your first two stanzas to start. I'd like to hear your impressions before I continue with the rest of the poem. With free verse, I try not to make it look quite so structured as a general rule and have kept that thought in my critique below. In addition, I try and use words that we might not hear often that might also add internal rhythms, rhymes or alliteration to the work. As an example:



There in the thickness of thought lies uncertainty
with tangled tentacles of fear unfolding, extending.
They ease about a motionless body as if in a dream,
yet these eyes are wide open to the stifling event

Time shows no mercy on this tired soul.
It steals what it will and stands unyielding,
leaving pride and dignity but faded memories,
holding hopes and dreams to ransom that can’t be paid

If we draw attention to certain words that you'd like the reader to pause at, it might look something like this:

In the thickness of thought
lies uncertainty;
its tangled tentacles unfold,
extending fear
to move about motionless bodies
as if in dream --
yet, these eyes penetrate
that stifling event where time
illustrates no mercy
to this exhausted soul.

It steals what it will
and stands unyielding
to leave but pride and dignity
in faded memories,
holding hopes and dreams
to ransom in periphery's chains.

I am enjoying reading your work, it's been to long! I'll be back!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hre's some more thoughts Jackie, as always, take or toss as you wish.

Cheers,
~Cleo

The clock ticks away minutes to hours dauntingly. (I don’t think you need to label ‘the clock’?)
Both racing and crawling in the same dimension, (there’s a conflict here, racing and crawling?)
igniting confusion and worry as one flame
to burn within a soul already tortured.
I suggest eliminating ‘the clock’ and flipping some words, something like:
Dauntingly, minutes and hours tick away
both racing in the same dimension,
igniting confusion and worry –
one flame to burn an essence already tortured.

Is there no charm to dismiss this blackened veil, (not sure that charm is the right word here?)
or blade to cut through these chains of remorse?
Where is the potion to usher in the blue,
the musicians to fill this silent void?

Thus Alone[,] the traveler is left in limbo[,]
lost among the spirits that will not speak.
Here in the internal darkness of nothing
forever remains the shattered life of waste.