Lament of a Snowman Options

[Charon]

First revision, with a little help from my friends.  Thanks a bunch.



Lament of a Snowman

Born only yesterday, my destiny to fulfill,
powerful and stately, I stand on my hill.
Always dependable, I would never stray,
protector of my home; at guard every day.

Greeting everyone, a smile on my face,
eyes black as coal, steady is my gaze.
Though the cold wind blows I suffer no chill,
when the snows come, I envision a thrill.

I am a tower of strength; a joyful beacon to all,
sun caresses my brow as it answers my call.
Heavy rays beat down, hard on my head,
suddenly I contemplate a sense of dread.

My kingdom lies before me, a tapestry of white,
where did it come from, this dazzling light?
A balmy breeze plays across my loin and chest,
is the ground closer, why do I need rest?

My arms droop so; a scarf falls from my neck,
how can it be; buttons falling; I must look a wreck.
My bonnet once clean, now covered in mud,
my hat, my cover, has fallen with a thud.

I’ve discovered I’ve lost all of my clothes,
as I try to pick up my poor little nose.
My arm has become an old broken stick,
I think I shall be, terribly sick.

To be an enemy of the sun
what could I have done?
For me to be treated so
is really a blow.
A King was I,
but now all
I have
is my
final
sigh
.

---------------- First Version -------------

Lament of a Snowman

Born only yesterday, my destiny I’ll fulfill,
powerful and stately, standing on my hill.
Always dependable, I would never stray,
protector of my home; at guard every day.

Greeting everyone with a smile on my face,
eyes black as coal, steady is my gaze.
Though the cold wind blows I suffer no chill,
when the snows come, I envision a thrill.

I am a tower of strength; a joyful beacon to all,
sun caresses my brow as it answers my call.
Heavy rays beat down, hard on my head,
suddenly I contemplate a sense of dread.

My kingdom lies before me, a tapestry of white,
where did it come from, this dazzling light?
A balmy breeze plays across my loin and chest,
is the ground closer, why do I need to rest?

Why my arm droops so; my scarf falls from my neck,
how can it be; buttons falling; I must look a wreck.
My bonnet once so clean, now covered in mud,
my hat, my cover, has fallen with a thud.

I’ve discovered I’ve lost all of my clothes,
as I try to pick up my poor little nose.
My arm has become an old stick,
I think I shall be very sick.

To be an enemy of the sun
what could I have done?
For me to be treated so
is really a blow.
A King was I,
but now all
I have
is my
final
sigh
.


© 2003 Emerson H. Sollars
All rights reserved by Emerson H. Sollars as an unpublished work.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Butch,

I liked the way this "form" poem dripped away... jolly clever.

I was puzzled by the Snowman welcoming the Sun by in the end I realised that he was ignorant of the danger.

sun caresses my brow as it answers my call however, does contradict the later line...

where did it come from, this dazzling light? doesn't it? Why would he be surprised by the light if he was welcoming it?

It may be just my misunderstanding - but if not, you may care to fix the poem's internal logic in that respect.

Good title, by the way.

Apart from my question, above, I have no further points. Thisflowed well (!), was entertaining and showed pathos. Well done, Butch.

James.

[Charon]

[I was puzzled by the Snowman welcoming the Sun by in the end I realised that he was ignorant of the danger.

sun caresses my brow as it answers my call however, does contradict the later line...

where did it come from, this dazzling light? doesn't it? Why would he be surprised by the light if he was welcoming it?

Thanks for reading and commenting.  With regards to your question, I was playing.  How many times have you wanted something and believed it was one thing only to find out it carried baggage and was something else - in addition?

For example people appear to be very smart till they open their mouths, no?

The snowman thinks he is king , and orders the sun to his beck and call, only to discover it isn't  what he thought it was,  whatever that may be.  For snowmen don't have brains , now do they?

Did I make the point clear as mud?  :rofl:

Glad you enjoyed my fun guy.

da Hun

[Guest_Jox_*]

Butch, Hi,

Yes, I missed that subtelty.

Thanks for the explanation, ehich was as clear as... snow, actually!

Cheers, James.

[Cybele]

Hi Butch,

Well, you made me feel like a child again here. I felt so sorry for Mr Snowman. It was like being at a pantomime when the big baddie creeps up behind the hero and all the children had to warn him by shouting out "Look out behind you"

[Guest__*]

Hi,
I really enjoyed this poem and agree with James that the way it melts away at the end was very clever and extremely effective.
Two tiny points if you want them; in the first line I stumbled over 'I'll', replace with 'to' maybe? and in the first two lines of the fifth stanza I lost the rhythm completely, maybe reshuffle the words or change the punctuation? I wanted to put question marks in but then I'm just picky about punctuation  :blush21:
These suggestions are just minor points of personal choice so disregard at will. I really did enjoy this poem though and look forward to reading more.
Donna

[Cybele]

Hi Butch,

Well, you made me feel like a child again here. I felt so sorry for Mr Snowman. It was like being at a pantomime when the big baddie creeps up behind the hero and all the children had to warn him by shouting out

"LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!"

On reflection Butch, I don't think you have pantomimes in America do you?
A brief explanation. A panto is a christmas show, supposedly aimed at children though since the script includes lots of double-entendres and the men dress up as ugly old dames and the lovely young girls dress up as Prince Charming, I suspect the children are "dragged" along as a reason for the attendance of so many adult members of the family.

Now back to the poem:

Lament of a Snowman

Born only yesterday, my destiny I’ll fulfill,
powerful and stately, standing on my hill.
Always dependable, I would never stray,
protector of my home; at guard every day.

Greeting everyone with a smile on my face,
eyes black as coal, steady is my gaze.
Though the cold wind blows I suffer no chill,
when the snows come, I envision a thrill.

I am a tower of strength; a joyful beacon to all,
sun caresses my brow as it answers my call.
Heavy rays beat down, hard on my head,
suddenly I contemplate a sense of dread.

My kingdom lies before me, a tapestry of white,
where did it come from, this dazzling light?
A balmy breeze plays across my loin and chest,
is the ground closer, why do I need to rest?

Why my arm droops so; my scarf falls from my neck,
how can it be; buttons falling; I must look a wreck.
My bonnet once so clean, now covered in mud,
my hat, my cover, has fallen with a thud.

I’ve discovered I’ve lost all of my clothes,
as I try to pick up my poor little nose.
My arm has become an old stick,
I think I shall be very sick.

Suggested change to the following third line to keep the perfect symmetry, Butch.

To be an enemy of the sun
what could I have done?  
to be liquidised so
is really a blow.
A King was I,
but now all
I have
is my
final
sigh

I love all your Christmas offerings Butch. They are all written with the heart of a child. May your heart stay forever young!


Love

Grace

[Ephiny]

I really enjoyed that..it's that sort of poem (I think) which tells a story on the surface and also says a lot underneath for anyone who wants to look.  The lines about the snowman welcoming the snow before he realises what will happen as a result of it are captivating, and the rhyming is very well done.  Very seasonal topic!!  Although all I'm getting so far is frost, no snow as yet!!

[Guest_Aurora_*]

Hi Butch,

You have created a wonderful holiday poem. Even though it is sad in the end, this is what happens to these snowmen we sometimes have feelings for. I noticed that in a few lines, your meter is off, just slightly. I will give you a few suggestions to ponder and you can choose what you would like to do. Remember, this is your poem and you must do what you feel it right.

Lament of a Snowman

Born only yesterday, my destiny I’ll fulfill,
powerful and stately, standing on my hill. - I stand on my hill
Always dependable, I would never stray,
protector of my home; at guard every day.

((Greeting everyone, a smile on my face))
Greeting everyone with a smile on my face,
eyes black as coal, steady is my gaze.
Though the cold wind blows I suffer no chill,
when the snows come, I envision a thrill.

I am a tower of strength; a joyful beacon to all,
sun caresses my brow as it answers my call.
Heavy rays beat down, hard on my head,
suddenly I contemplate a sense of dread.

My kingdom lies before me, a tapestry of white,
where did it come from, this dazzling light?
A balmy breeze plays across my loin and chest,
is the ground closer, why do I need to rest?

((My arms droop so, a scarf falls from my neck))
Why my arm droops so; my scarf falls from my neck,
how can it be; buttons falling; I must look a wreck.

((My bonnet once clean, now covered in mud))
My bonnet once so clean, now covered in mud,
my hat, my cover, has fallen with a thud.

I’ve discovered I’ve lost all of my clothes,
as I try to pick up my poor little nose.
My arm has become an old stick,- my arm has become an old (broken) stick
I think I shall be very sick.- maybe add another very

To be an enemy of the sun
what could I have done?
For me to be treated so
is really a blow.
A King was I,
but now all
I have
is my
final
sigh

I think I will practice learning how to center poems because I feel just awful and silly not knowing.  I hope I have given you some things to ponder and feel free to use what you like and toss the rest. I enjoy reading longer poems and yours is putting me into the holiday mood.  Great job, thanks.
Angie

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

Butch,
how often must I
tell you that its' not the melting,
but the heat of the
sun.
You should always
use a good
sun block  with a
high number when
creating the snow  man/woman.  

other than that, a delightful piece.
Larry                       

[Guest__*]

Hi Butch.

For example people appear to be very smart till they open their mouths, YES!


As you know, I love a good lament.     This one is no exception.

Angie has given some good advice on improving the scan. Try reading both versions out loud and see how it goes. Your poem will prove a lot of fun for the youngsters, and it may well be that dropping the odd word here and there, with a little gentle tweaking, will make it bounce along all the more merrily.

Tom
.

[Charon]

Hi Butch,

Well, you made me feel like a child again here. I felt so sorry for Mr Snowman. It was like being at a pantomime when the big baddie creeps up behind the hero and all the children had to warn him by shouting out "Look out behind you"

Cybele,

Hi ya,

Thanks for stopping and commenting.  We snowmen type of writers love to here from folks.  You caught my gist, I am so pleased.

da Hun

I just realized you stopped by twice, how cool is that?

I remember pantomine's from when I was a child.  Only ours were any narrative where the actors/actresses did not speak.  The audience would yell out to them and encourage them throughout the production.  Generally these were done with gaetity and lots of laughter.  Sort of like the old West, give me the deed to your ranch, and the hero saves poor Penelope.

Thanks for the suggestions, I am making modifications as I type.  Well maybe not right now, but pretty soon.

da Hun

[Charon]

Two tiny points if you want them; in the first line I stumbled over 'I'll', replace with 'to' maybe? and in the first two lines of the fifth stanza I lost the rhythm completely, maybe reshuffle the words or change the punctuation? I wanted to put question marks in but then I'm just picky about punctuation  

Donna,

Thanks for sliding by and checking out my snowman.  I really liked your suggestion of the 'to' and have replaced the word.  Others have given me some additional advice, so I'll skate on down to what they suggest and make more adjustments.

Thanks so much,

Ho Ho Ho

da Hun

[Charon]

I really enjoyed that..it's that sort of poem (I think) which tells a story on the surface and also says a lot underneath for anyone who wants to look.  The lines about the snowman welcoming the snow before he realises what will happen as a result of it are captivating, and the rhyming is very well done.  Very seasonal topic!!  Although all I'm getting so far is frost, no snow as yet!!

Lucie,

What a cool name.  When I come at the end of the day from work, I always open the door and yell, "Loosie, I'm Home," for you see my wife's nickname is Lou, short for Luella.

Thanks for stopping your sled at my doorstep and commenting about my story.  Yes, I did have a deeper story imbeded in there, how delightful that you picked it up.

It is snowing here, great big heavy, juicy flakes.  Not sticking tho, just beautiful as all git out right now.

da Hun  :snowman:

[Charon]

Hi Butch,

You have created a wonderful holiday poem. Even though it is sad in the end, this is what happens to these snowmen we sometimes have feelings for. I noticed that in a few lines, your meter is off, just slightly. I will give you a few suggestions to ponder and you can choose what you would like to do. Remember, this is your poem and you must do what you feel it right.

Lament of a Snowman

powerful and stately, standing on my hill. - I stand on my hill

((Greeting everyone, a smile on my face))

((My arms droop so, a scarf falls from my neck))
Why my arm droops so; my scarf falls from my neck,
how can it be; buttons falling; I must look a wreck.

((My bonnet once clean, now covered in mud))
My bonnet once so clean, now covered in mud,
my hat, my cover, has fallen with a thud.

I’ve discovered I’ve lost all of my clothes,
as I try to pick up my poor little nose.
My arm has become an old stick,- my arm has become an old (broken) stick
I think I shall be very sick.- maybe add another very


I think I will practice learning how to center poems because I feel just awful and silly not knowing.  I hope I have given you some things to ponder and feel free to use what you like and toss the rest. I enjoy reading longer poems and yours is putting me into the holiday mood.  Great job, thanks.
Angie

Angie,

Wow, thanks for all the help.  I have been told I am a good story teller, but I am a lousy editor.  Your advice is deeply appreciated, thank you, thank you.

To center a poem, place the following before the very first word you want to start centering:  

remember to include the <> symbols.

then go to the very last word you want centered, and place the following:



and again to remember to include the <> symbols.

That's all there is to it.

Thank you again, and happy happy holidays.

da Hun

[Charon]

Butch,
how often must I
tell you that its' not the melting,
but the heat of the
sun.
You should always
use a good
sun block  with a
high number when
creating the snow  man/woman.  

other than that, a delightful piece.
Larry                       

Hey Larry,

Glad you enjoyed.  Hey I miss getting your email jokes and stuff, did you stop sending them out?

Keep writing dude, cause I really enjoy your work, you sly  :devil: .

da Hun  :troy:

[Charon]

Hi Butch.

For example people appear to be very smart till they open their mouths, YES!


As you know, I love a good lament.     This one is no exception.

Angie has given some good advice on improving the scan. Try reading both versions out loud and see how it goes. Your poem will prove a lot of fun for the youngsters, and it may well be that dropping the odd word here and there, with a little gentle tweaking, will make it bounce along all the more merrily.

Tom
.

Tom,

Thanks for stopping, enjoying, and taking the time to comment.  Angie did give me some good advice, so did Cybele and others.  Appreciate your support and sage.

Back to my snowman.

da Hun

[Arnfinn]

How ya goin Butch


Mate! What a great poem...

The personification of a snowman.

It just go to show...snowmen have feelings too.

The last stanza was very effective...

I loved your poem to the last drop


Good on ya mate.


Arnie

[Charon]

Thanks for the comments.  Sorry I didn't respond sooner, been busy with the holidays.

da Hun