Momentous Steps ~ Revised 5/11/07, Wizard Award Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks everyone!


. .


Momentous Steps

At one you took momentous steps
and from that day you forged a dream...
You'd scoop up little hills of sand
to sculpt a fort with tiny hands
and bivouac army soldiers there.

Your thrill outran mobility
when seeking jeeps of camouflage;
sidestepping drums and wikiup,
you always ended bottom up...
with shining smile and impish flair.

A cadence now commands your steps;
distinctly military drums
with deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march the hills of foreign lands
with liberty in fervent sight;
across the desert's palling sands,
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alight with freedom's flare.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April 25, 2007



Momentous Steps ~ 4th revision

Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
and build a fort with tiny hand
to bivouac army soldiers where

your thrill outran mobility
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.
Sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
your eyes alight with impish flair.

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums,
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands;
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April 25, 2007



Momentous Steps ~ 3rd revision

Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand
and hide it with your teddy bear.

Your thrill outran mobility
when searching through the toys in sight;
sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
your eyes alight with impish flair.

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums,
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands,
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April 25, 2007

S1 L2 was 'my little man', you knew your way'
There are women in the service too so I changed this line so that any parent reading who has sent a son or daughter overseas might relate.

S3 L1 was 'A cadence now directs your steps'



Momentous Steps ~ 2nd revision

Upon discovering how to walk
my 'little man' knew his own way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand,
then scatter chair to chair.

Your thrill outran mobility
when searching through the toys in sight;
sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
eyes bright with impish flair.

A cadence now directs your steps
to distant military drums
whose deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In finding your own way you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight,
across the desert's blinding sands,
an M-16 in able hands...
eyes bright with freedom's flare.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April 25, 2007


Momentous Steps ~ Original

You were my little man;
eager to find your way,
and you could find a grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand
as you tottered from table to chair.

Thrill outran ability
while searching all in sight,
when sidestepping a sippy-cup
you then ended up bottoms-up...
eyes alight with mischievous flair.


You step now in cadence
to loud militant drums.
Their rhythmic beating will start
to echo the pride in your heart
and in finding your way you dare

to march against the foe
with liberty in sight,
across the desert's blinding sands,
an M-16 held in your hands...
eyes alive with freedom's flare.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April 25, 2007

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cathy,

We have gained a few heavy hitters. I am reticent to get off the bench, but ...

I like your rhyme scheme except for two lines ending in same word, sight.

First stanza uses your twice, which is distracting.

What about changing first two words to Once?

Deletion of and you in third line is tighter.

How about ending line #1 and #2 with a comma to make the second line paranthetical?

S2, L1: I grasp what you say, but ability sounds harsh in context.
S2, L3: Suggest: then ended bottom-up

S3, L1: Suggest: Stepping now in cadence

S3, L3: How about our heart instead of your heart? I mean this to be collective heart rather than plural "our hearts."

S3, L4: In effort to reduce reference to you/your, how about:
in showing us way to dare?

S4, L3: To add depth binding could replace blinding and still hint at original word.
I like your stress on liberty.

Somewhat outside your growing up theme, a naturalized medical doctor where I exercise, born in Iran, has stated what recently is hot from German publishing CEO, Mathias Dapfner. The United States seems to be the only people that step up to the plate to mitigate global disasters.

You have my drift as I look forward to others joining in the fray and ultimately to your finished revision.

:) Don

[Mary Boren]

Hi Cathy,

Eek, I hope I'm not one of those aforementioned heavy hitters. Certainly don't mean to be. As the new kid on the block, I apologize in advance if I overstep my bounds in critiquing. I only know one way to do it.

I'll bet the object of this poem loves this! Has he seen it yet?

You mentioned having more to add. If you're taking votes on that idea, count mine in favor of leaving it this length. I like the way you've tied the last lines to the first ones with sand. I think you could get off to a stronger start, though.

You were my little man

I dunno, it just seems I've read a thousand poems that opened with this line.

On the other hand,

and you could find a grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand

This is fresh -- I like it. Not sure whether fist as a verb is grammatically correct, and "fist into hand" might be a tad redundant, but it creates such a crisp image that I'd say it's a good time to invoke poetic license regardless.

I tripped pretty hard on the sippy cup line. Have you considered having the fetching tyke trip on a toy drum instead, to portend the marching drum?

You also mentioned hoping the poem is rhythmical. It is. If you're happy with the rhythm(s), then my crit ends here so kindly disregard the rest. :)

But (pssst) Cathy, it's not metrical, which Webster defines as:

1 a : systematically arranged and measured rhythm in verse: (1) : rhythm that continuously repeats a single basic pattern <iambic meter> (2) : rhythm characterized by regular recurrence of a systematic arrangement of basic patterns in larger figures <ballad meter> b : a measure or unit of metrical verse -- usually used in combination <pentameter> -- compare FOOT 4 c : a fixed metrical pattern : verse form

The key word is pattern, which should be clearly established in the first few lines of a metrical poem. Though it was a little difficult for me to find on first read, your first stanza has an interesting metrical pattern, which I like.

YOU were my LIT tle MAN
EAG er to FIND your WAY
and YOU could FIND a GRAIN of SAND
to FIST in TO your TI ny HAND
as you TOT tered from TA ble to CHAIR

trochaic
trochaic
iambic
iambic
anapestic

Okay, so now I'm going to be expecting the rest of the poem to be predominantly to be predominantly trochaic/iambic/anapestic in that order. Oops, I'm not finding that pattern repeated. Not even close. Granted, scansion is subjective, but regional differences aside, I think for a majority of readers the stresses would fall something like this, give or take a syllable here or there:

THRILL OUT RAN a BIL i TY
while SEARCH ing ALL in SIGHT
when SIDE STEP ping a SIP py CUP
you then END ed up BOT toms UP
EYES a LIGHT with MIS chie vous FLAIR

you STEP now in CA dence
to LOUD MIL i tant DRUMS
their RHYTH mic BEAT ing will START
to ECH o the PRIDE in your HEART
and in FIND ing your WAY you DARE

to MARCH a GAINST the FOE
with LIB er TY in SIGHT
a CROSS the DES ert's BLIND ing SANDS
an M SIX TEEN HELD in your HANDS
EYES a LIVE with FREE dom's FLARE

I won't run the technical aspects completely into the ground by analyzing the feet in each line, but suffice to say they are a confusing mix.

I hope I've said something helpful. If not, again, please disregard. I think you're onto something with this theme.

-Mary

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy,

We have gained a few heavy hitters. I am reticent to get off the bench, but ...

Don't be... LOL

I like your rhyme scheme except for two lines ending in same word, sight.

I didn't realize I had done that (at least with that word). Thanks for pointing that out! *smiles*

First stanza uses your twice, which is distracting.

What about changing first two words to Once?

Deletion of and you in third line is tighter.

I am working on the 'you/your' problem. There were a lot of them!

How about ending line #1 and #2 with a comma to make the second line paranthetical?

That would work! Thanks~

S2, L1: I grasp what you say, but ability sounds harsh in context.

Yes, it does. I'm working on that too... LOL
S2, L3: Suggest: then ended bottom-up

Depending on how I change a couple of lines that might read better. Thanks again!

S3, L1: Suggest: Stepping now in cadence

I think I will use this in my revision... thank you!

S3, L3: How about our heart instead of your heart? I mean this to be collective heart rather than plural "our hearts."

I'm not sure about this one. It's 'his' pride that I'm referring to.

S3, L4: In effort to reduce reference to you/your, how about:
in showing us way to dare?

I don't know... if I omit some of the other 'you/your' than this line will be okay.

S4, L3: To add depth binding could replace blinding and still hint at original word.

But can sand be 'binding'?
I like your stress on liberty.

Thank you!

Somewhat outside your growing up theme, a naturalized medical doctor where I exercise, born in Iran, has stated what recently is hot from German publishing CEO, Mathias Dapfner. The United States seems to be the only people that step up to the plate to mitigate global disasters.

You have my drift as I look forward to others joining in the fray and ultimately to your finished revision.

If I ever get it finished! I've changed things a number of times (not here) and I'm still not quite satisfied with it! LOL Thanks for dropping in and offering your ideas Don. Most appreciated I assure you!

Cathy

:) Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy,

Eek, I hope I'm not one of those aforementioned heavy hitters. Certainly don't mean to be. As the new kid on the block, I apologize in advance if I overstep my bounds in critiquing. I only know one way to do it.

LOL I don't know if you are or not but don't worry about it! I want honest critique no matter what!

I'll bet the object of this poem loves this! Has he seen it yet?

No he hasn't~ I wanted to get it polished up a bit before sending it to him. He's in boot camp in Missouri right not but already scheduled for deployment overseas.

You mentioned having more to add. If you're taking votes on that idea, count mine in favor of leaving it this length. I like the way you've tied the last lines to the first ones with sand. I think you could get off to a stronger start, though.

Oh, it did come together ok then! Good! I was hoping that there wasn't too big a time gap there to make it sound right! And I was hoping that 'sand' would work at the beginning. You know how kids like to pick up every piece of dirt (even as tiny as the sand) so I'm glad that worked too. Actually that's why I used hand, sand, and eyes at the beginning and the end... to hopefully tie it all together.

You were my little man

I dunno, it just seems I've read a thousand poems that opened with this line.

I know... I'm just not sure what to do with that line at this point. LOL

On the other hand,

and you could find a grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand

This is fresh -- I like it. Not sure whether fist as a verb is grammatically correct, and "fist into hand" might be a tad redundant, but it creates such a crisp image that I'd say it's a good time to invoke poetic license regardless.

Thanks!

I tripped pretty hard on the sippy cup line. Have you considered having the fetching tyke trip on a toy drum instead, to portend the marching drum?

I was afraid of that! LOL I thought about the drum too but I need to rhyme with 'up' in the next line to keep to the rhyme scheme. That's going to take some thought.

You also mentioned hoping the poem is rhythmical. It is. If you're happy with the rhythm(s), then my crit ends here so kindly disregard the rest. :)

Rhythm is what I wanted! *smiles*

But (pssst) Cathy, it's not metrical, which Webster defines as:

1 a : systematically arranged and measured rhythm in verse: (1) : rhythm that continuously repeats a single basic pattern <iambic meter> (2) : rhythm characterized by regular recurrence of a systematic arrangement of basic patterns in larger figures <ballad meter> b : a measure or unit of metrical verse -- usually used in combination <pentameter> -- compare FOOT 4 c : a fixed metrical pattern : verse form

The key word is pattern, which should be clearly established in the first few lines of a metrical poem. Though it was a little difficult for me to find on first read, your first stanza has an interesting metrical pattern, which I like.

YOU were my LIT tle MAN
EAG er to FIND your WAY
and YOU could FIND a GRAIN of SAND
to FIST in TO your TI ny HAND
as you TOT tered from TA ble to CHAIR

trochaic
trochaic
iambic
iambic
anapestic

I wasn't looking to hold to any type of meter. To be honest, I've had so much trouble trying to write anything that I was happy just to get something down that had a pleasant rhythm to it. LOL I didn't know I could even write in trachaic and anapestic meter! I'm not sure where to go from here. Leave it as is (after revision) or try to conform to some metric form. Decisions, decisions! I so appreciate the trouble you went to regarding the scansion though. I know it is time-consuming!

Okay, so now I'm going to be expecting the rest of the poem to be predominantly to be predominantly trochaic/iambic/anapestic in that order. Oops, I'm not finding that pattern repeated. Not even close. Granted, scansion is subjective, but regional differences aside, I think for a majority of readers the stresses would fall something like this, give or take a syllable here or there:

THRILL OUT RAN a BIL i TY
while SEARCH ing ALL in SIGHT
when SIDE STEP ping a SIP py CUP
you then END ed up BOT toms UP
EYES a LIGHT with MIS chie vous FLAIR

you STEP now in CA dence
to LOUD MIL i tant DRUMS
their RHYTH mic BEAT ing will START
to ECH o the PRIDE in your HEART
and in FIND ing your WAY you DARE

to MARCH a GAINST the FOE
with LIB er TY in SIGHT
a CROSS the DES ert's BLIND ing SANDS
an M SIX TEEN HELD in your HANDS
EYES a LIVE with FREE dom's FLARE

I won't run the technical aspects completely into the ground by analyzing the feet in each line, but suffice to say they are a confusing mix.

I hope I've said something helpful. If not, again, please disregard. I think you're onto something with this theme.

You've been most helpful! Now it's up to me as to where I go from here! *smiles*

Thanks Mary!

Cathy

-Mary

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cathy,

REF:

S4, L3: To add depth binding could replace blinding and still hint at original word.

But can sand be 'binding'?

The situation and desert location are binding.
My attempt is to enhance the depth of poetry from mundane description. Technically, wet sand can be binding, but this is far afield from existing context.

My take is that this is far from complete. You have presented it for inputs to help mold where you want to go from here.

I am glad we have fresh heavies added to our outstanding lineup. I am particularly interested in gaining from Mary's scansions. I know that you are also a student of meter and all three of us, naturally, disagree somewhat. My interpretation of the varied meter and feet per line indicated this poem is in early stages. Conveying scansion requires a lot of effort. I was saving my swings at the ball toward final innings.

As a compliment I do consider Mary as a welcome heavy hitter. Class participation is a joy toward brushing away cobwebs of ignorance. Replace the feather duster with a swifty.

Don

[Eisa]

Hi Cathy

Oh ... this one tugged at my heart! I think you have a good one here -- with a little work.
I don't have the time to do this justice at the moment, but will come back asap.

Hugs Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy,

REF:

S4, L3: To add depth binding could replace blinding and still hint at original word.

But can sand be 'binding'?

The situation and desert location are binding.
My attempt is to enhance the depth of poetry from mundane description. Technically, wet sand can be binding, but this is far afield from existing context.

I see what you're saying and I will give it serious consideration.

My take is that this is far from complete. You have presented it for inputs to help mold where you want to go from here.

Yes, you are right! LOL This is far from complete!

I am glad we have fresh heavies added to our outstanding lineup. I am particularly interested in gaining from Mary's scansions. I know that you are also a student of meter and all three of us, naturally, disagree somewhat. My interpretation of the varied meter and feet per line indicated this poem is in early stages. Conveying scansion requires a lot of effort. I was saving my swings at the ball toward final innings.

As a compliment I do consider Mary as a welcome heavy hitter. Class participation is a joy toward brushing away cobwebs of ignorance. Replace the feather duster with a swifty.

I welcome her input as well. You both have given me something to think about. I've got a revision but the meter isn't quite right on it. I may go ahead and post it just to see if I'm headed in the right direction! *smiles*

Thanks for coming back to this one Don!
Cathy

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Cathy,

Please let me know when you are reasonably ready for another opinion on scansion.
Wouldn't it be loverly to write perfect cadence, like angelic music, without effort?

Perhaps it is best that the exertion of the mountain climb enhances the topmost view.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy

Oh ... this one tugged at my heart! I think you have a good one here -- with a little work.
I don't have the time to do this justice at the moment, but will come back asap.

Hugs Snow

Thanks Snow! It tugs at my heart too... I'm glad a bit of the emotion comes through for the reader. I wrote this for my son but I'm trying to get it just right before sending it to him. He's in boot camp right now but I just recently found out that he will be shipped overseas soon... thus the poem~ *smiles*

I've just posted a revision and I've already thought of more ideas. LOL I'm looking forward to your thoughts as well!

Hugs,
Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Dear Cathy,

Please let me know when you are reasonably ready for another opinion on scansion.
Wouldn't it be loverly to write perfect cadence, like angelic music, without effort?

Perhaps it is best that the exertion of the mountain climb enhances the topmost view.

Don

Hi Don,

I've just posted a revision~ I know doing scansion takes a lot of time but if you're willing to give the lesson then I'm ready to learn. I've got mostly iambic now... I think! LOL I just posted it and I already have another idea!

Thanks,
Cathy

[Guest_Don_*]

Scanned by Don Holmes
8 out of 20 lines are iambic tetrameter.
I do not consider my scansion as lessons. It is educated opinion.


Momentous Steps ~ 2nd revision

Upon discover ing how to walk
my 'little man' knew his own way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand [iambic tetrameter]
to fist into your tiny hand,
then scatter chair to chair. [iambic trimeter]

Your thrill outran mobil i ty
when searching through the toys in sight; [iambic tetrameter]
sidestep ping drums and wik i up
you'd always end up bottom-up... [iambic tetrameter]
eyes bright with impish flair.

A cadence now directs your steps [iambic tetrameter]
to distant mil i tar y drums
whose deep percussive rhythms start [iambic tetrameter]
to echo pride within your heart. [iambic tetrameter]
In finding your own way you dare

to march against a foreign foe [iambic tetrameter]
with liber ty in fervent sight,
across the desert's blinding sands, [iambic tetrameter]
an M-16 in able hands...[able might also be unstressed]
eyes bright with freedom's flare. [I would rather see air since flare connotes flash.]

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April 25, 2007

[Mary Boren]

Well done, Cathy! I'm thoroughly impressed with the remarkable job of revising you did in such a short time.

It's charming, fraught with freshness, and what's more:
prevailingly iambic to the core.

My only quibbles are with the pronoun shift in S1 and the repetion of "eyes bright with." Since you've indicated being receptive to it, I'll also point out that S3/L5 is a foot long. I sense that you won't want to give up "his own way" here, but something like "In tapping strength you dare" would not only tighten the meter but also tie in nicely with the marching.

No problem with the time I spent on scansion -- it wasn't much, and I'm much more comfortable discussing that subject than politics.

Mary

[Mary Boren]

Aside to Don ...

As a compliment I do consider Mary as a welcome heavy hitter.

Whew, thanks for letting me off the hook.

My take is that this is far from complete. You have presented it for inputs to help mold where you want to go from here.

My interpretation of the varied meter and feet per line indicated this poem is in early stages. Conveying scansion requires a lot of effort. I was saving my swings at the ball toward final innings.

I am confused by this, Don. Is it an unwritten protocol here to post a first draft to generate more discussion? This seems backwards to me, but if that's the law of the land, I'll try to hold back heavy crit until the appropriate time.

Mary

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Mary,

Firstly, I just flow with the crowd. My preference, as it is with most members, is to submit a close to, if not finished, work for the wolves to attack. Our members are far too friendly to be compared to wolves. However, a few scribble then unabashedly throw it out for others to finish. I also think we have a small percentage that are so bashful they expect others to essentially complete their poem or story by opinion poll.

Specifically, this thread is rare for Cathy to expect significant comment from others. I've seen enough of her style(s) to risk guessing when she is shooting from the hip. Per quotation earlier in this thread she wrote, "I've had so much trouble trying to write anything that I was happy just to get something down that had a pleasant rhythm to it." Also, she is trying to be error free to send this to her son in boot camp.

The scansion thingy is on and off depending upon which members are involved. Since I am in the process of learning, my tendency is to broach meter to the wrong people, or at the wrong time.

I was surprised that you think revision #2 is essentially iambic. According to my attempt above, it isn't. We should not elaborate upon this difference in Cathy's thread, but please help me resolve our scansion differences as opportunity arises.

Don :)

[Mary Boren]

Thanks for the clarification on expectations, Don. I agree.

Re: Scansion. You sed:

The scansion thingy is on and off depending upon which members are involved. Since I am in the process of learning, my tendency is to broach meter to the wrong people, or at the wrong time.

I know what you mean. It's a touchy subject, and I've rushed in where angels know better many a time myself.

I was surprised that you think revision #2 is essentially iambic. According to my attempt above, it isn't. We should not elaborate upon this difference in Cathy's thread, ...

Why not? She doesn't seem to object. Right, Cathy?

but please help me resolve our scansion differences as opportunity arises.

We're not far apart. I said it's prevailingly, not unfailingly, iambic. Allowing for the wiggle room afforded by accentual rhythm (which I think we are obliged to recognize if not adopt) and promotion/demotion, it's close enough. There are quite a few spondees, which don't clang for me as badly as trochaic substitutions.

I'll give you my scan on the revision by private message unless/until we hear from Cathy on this.

-M.

[Mary Boren]

P. S. Cathy, I meant to comment on wikiup. Love it. Something like Lincoln Logs?

[Guest_Don_*]

To Nada,
Please send me your take at your leasure.

To Cathy,

Yes, I also liked your American Indian adobe. We used to make them all the time as a Hoosier Boy Scout. Roomier than a wall tent, and cooler than canvas blocking breeze.

Don

[Eisa]

Oh wow Cathy! -- I've returned too late. LOL! Your second revision is brilliant ... and you've smoothed out the bumps in meter. Well done!

Momentous Steps ~ 2nd revision

Upon discovering how to walk
my 'little man' knew his own way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand,
then scatter chair to chair.

You begin this as though you are talking about your son, then in L2 you change and are talking to him.(which you continue throughout. I feel that It woulld be best to start as if talking to him from the start.) Perhaps

Upon discovering how to walk
my 'little man' you knew the way.

Your thrill outran mobility
when searching through the toys in sight;
sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
eyes bright with impish flair.

These 2 stanzas are a delightful return to memories of your son's childhood, which brought back memories of my own sons.

A cadence now directs your steps
to distant military drums
whose deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In finding your own way you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight,
across the desert's blinding sands,
an M-16 in able hands...
eyes bright with freedom's flare.

A wonderful turn to present day -- I can find nothing I'd change. Your meter is smooth (I personally feel meter doesn't have to scan completely perfect all through as long as words flow without a bump and you've certainly acheived that here. Great revision!
Hugs Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Scanned by Don Holmes
8 out of 20 lines are iambic tetrameter.
I do not consider my scansion as lessons. It is educated opinion.


Momentous Steps ~ 2nd revision

Upon discover ing how to walk
my 'little man' knew his own way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand [iambic tetrameter]
to fist into your tiny hand,
then scatter chair to chair. [iambic trimeter]

Your thrill outran mobil i ty
when searching through the toys in sight; [iambic tetrameter]
sidestep ping drums and wik i up
you'd always end up bottom-up... [iambic tetrameter]
eyes bright with impish flair.

A cadence now directs your steps [iambic tetrameter]
to distant mil i tar y drums
whose deep percussive rhythms start [iambic tetrameter]
to echo pride within your heart. [iambic tetrameter]
In finding your own way you dare

to march against a foreign foe [iambic tetrameter]
with liber ty in fervent sight,
across the desert's blinding sands, [iambic tetrameter]
an M-16 in able hands...[able might also be unstressed]
eyes bright with freedom's flare. [I would rather see air since flare connotes flash.]

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April 25, 2007

Thanks so much Don! Although... I don't read it quite like that.

Upon discovering how to walk
my 'little man' knew his own way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand,
then scatter chair to chair.

Your thrill outran mobility
when searching through the toys in sight;
sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
eyes bright with impish flair.

Less stress can be given to 'side' in line 3 so it's not so noticeable.

A cadence now directs your steps
to distant military drums
whose deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In finding your own way you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight,
across the desert's blinding sands,
an M-sixteen in able hands...
eyes bright with freedom's flare.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Well done, Cathy! I'm thoroughly impressed with the remarkable job of revising you did in such a short time.

It's charming, fraught with freshness, and what's more:
prevailingly iambic to the core.

Thanks Mary! *blushing* LOL I know it's not perfect iambic but I'm alright with that as long as there are no major bumps in the rhythm.

My only quibbles are with the pronoun shift in S1 and the repetion of "eyes bright with." Yes, I see what you mean and I will see to that. As for 'eyes bright with...' I was trying to tie things together across the time span from verse two to three but there are other aspects that tie it together so maybe that one can go. I'm still working on it! *smiles* Since you've indicated being receptive to it, I'll also point out that S3/L5 is a foot long. I sense that you won't want to give up "his own way" here, but something like "In tapping strength you dare" would not only tighten the meter but also tie in nicely with the marching.

Yes, I know it is but I couldn't think of a way around it... but I like your suggestion. I may change those lines to 8 syllables to match the rest (haven't decided yet LOL) but I'm sure I could still use the gist of that line. Thanks!

No problem with the time I spent on scansion -- it wasn't much, and I'm much more comfortable discussing that subject than politics.

I still appreciate it!

Cathy
Mary

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Mary,

am confused by this, Don. Is it an unwritten protocol here to post a first draft to generate more discussion? This seems backwards to me, but if that's the law of the land, I'll try to hold back heavy crit until the appropriate time.

Mary

You did fine! When someone crits my work I hope to get honest feedback no matter how 'heavy' it may seem. I think what Don is getting at is that I don't usually post a poem that seems so 'unfinished'? I've had trouble with my muse lately and ever since finding out that my son was to be sent to Iraq so soon it's gotten worse! *smiles* As you can see from the quick revision and the differences that this poem was no where near what I wanted it to be, and yet I don't want others to finish it for me. I think maybe I just needed a little nudge or something and I went from there. I'm still open to suggestions to improve it though! LOL

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Mary and Don,

I'll give you my scan on the revision by private message unless/until we hear from Cathy on this.

I don't mind the discussion in my thread. Just remember that the discussion here should involve the poem in this thread. Or if it's easier, you could continue the discussion in Karnak... It's up to you two! It's educational either way~ LOL Maybe I'll learn something!

Cathy

And Mary, I think a wikiup is something similar to a tepee. At least I know it was used by the Indians. For some reason my son has always been into army toys and Indians! LOL

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Oh wow Cathy! -- I've returned too late. LOL! Your second revision is brilliant ... and you've smoothed out the bumps in meter. Well done!

Thank you Snow! LOL I don't know why I posted the poem the way I did. I'd no sooner posted it then I thought 'Oh that needs changed' and 'I can't leave that like that'! I think I changed it three times before anyone had had time to read it! LOL Then I posted a revision the next day! And you're never too late to offer thoughts or opinion~

Momentous Steps ~ 2nd revision

Upon discovering how to walk
my 'little man' knew his own way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand,
then scatter chair to chair.

You begin this as though you are talking about your son, then in L2 you change and are talking to him.(which you continue throughout. I feel that It woulld be best to start as if talking to him from the start.) Perhaps

Upon discovering how to walk
my 'little man' you knew the way.

Mary pointed that out to me too! LOL I don't know how I missed it! Thanks, I will fix it soon!

Your thrill outran mobility
when searching through the toys in sight;
sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
eyes bright with impish flair.

These 2 stanzas are a delightful return to memories of your son's childhood, which brought back memories of my own sons.

Yes, it was a pleasant journey down memory lane but it seems that these days everything brings tears to my eyes and here I was trying to type through the mist! I had to 'snap-to' as my son would now say! LOL I'm glad it brought fond memories for you too!

A cadence now directs your steps
to distant military drums
whose deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In finding your own way you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight,
across the desert's blinding sands,
an M-16 in able hands...
eyes bright with freedom's flare.

A wonderful turn to present day -- I can find nothing I'd change. Your meter is smooth (I personally feel meter doesn't have to scan completely perfect all through as long as words flow without a bump and you've certainly acheived that here. Great revision!

That's what Ron keeps trying to tell me (jgdittier) and I think it's finally sunk in. When using form it's a different story but this is no particular form and I didn't feel the need to be so strict about the meter. I'm glad you think it reads smoothly! Thanks so much~

Cathy
Hugs Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I have a 3rd revision up for anyone who's interested~

I'm thinking about changing

A cadence now directs your steps
to distant military drums,

to

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums...

What do you guys think?

Thanks,
Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

This one reads more easily, for me.

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums...

It is also iambic. They both are, of course. But I think its the alliteration that causes me to chose this one. Two matches on L1 and two on L2.

I'm just going to read your most recent review.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks Kathy!

I'm leaning towards 'commands' too...

Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

I think I got it!
Cathy

By George, you did!

Well done Cathy! I admire your attitude.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks Kathy!

LOL I don't know if it's attitude or downright dogged determination! Or is that attitude too?? ROFL

Anyhoo... thanks!

Cathy

[Guest_Don_*]

I'm thinking about changing

A cadence now directs your steps
to distant military drums,

to

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums...

What do you guys think?

Thanks,
Cathy

An improvement.

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

To those interested,

A wikiup is an American Indian abode like a teepee except the teepee did not require as much wood. A wikiup is a dome shape shell of medium weight branches and sticks. This is covered with skins, leaves, mats, brush, etc. for weather protection.

Does anyone need a home crafted indian bead belt? I'll trade sight unseen for a poetry merit badge.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks Don!... for the thumbs-up on 'commands' and the low-down on wikiups!

I'd love a beaded belt but I'm not qualified to give out merit badges! *smiles*

Cathy

[Mary Boren]

I like the tweaks, Cathy. Nice job.

Don, I'll take that beaded belt. Send $8.95 for shipping and handling, and expect your merit badge to be delivered on February 30, 2008.

Re: Scansion ... You've revised since then, but I'll go ahead and show how it was sounding to my ear for purpose of comparison. * indicates the syllable receiving less stress (but more than unstressed) in the spondees, which is not at all inappropriate.

up ON / dis COV / ring HOW / to WALK
my LIT / tle MAN / knew HIS / OWN WAY
you'd SCOOP / up EV / ry GRAIN / of SAND
to FIST / in TO / your TI / ny HAND
then SCAT / ter CHAIR / to CHAIR

your THRILL / OUT RAN / mo BIL / i TY
when SEARCH / ing THROUGH / the TOYS in SIGHT
SIDE STEP* / ping DRUMS / and WIK / i UP
you'd AL / WAYS* END / UP* BOT / tom UP
EYES* BRIGHT / with IMP / ish FLAIR

a CAD / ence NOW / dir ECTS / your STEPS
to DIS / tant MIL / i TAR / y DRUMS
whose DEEP / per CUSS / ive RHYTH / ms START
to ECH / o PRIDE / with IN / your HEART
in FIND / ing YOUR / OWN WAY / you DARE

to MARCH / a GAINST / a FOR / eign FOE
with LIB / er TY / in FERV / ent SIGHT
a CROSS / the DES / ert's BLIND / ing SANDS
an M / SIX* TEEN / in AB / le HANDS
EYES* BRIGHT / with FREE / dom's FLARE

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Don, thanks for the info re a Wikiup. So what's a wigwam then?

I would love a beaded belt. I've never seen a poetry merit badge but could soon fix that. Necessity is the mother of invention, after all.

Snow, I like the way you've made it universal, so others can relate to it. And you've certainly applied yourself to correct the metre.

I notice that the last line of every stanza rhymes. That's a neat trick. It ties them together, and makes it feel finished, especially at the end. Cool.
It also rhymes in every stanza at L3/L4. A couplet, bang in the middle. That's unusual too.

And you have enjambed between S3 and 4. I think you took some pretty significant steps during the course of making this poem, Cathy.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I like the tweaks, Cathy. Nice job.

Thanks Mary!

Don, I'll take that beaded belt. Send $8.95 for shipping and handling, and expect your merit badge to be delivered on February 30, 2008.

Re: Scansion ... You've revised since then, but I'll go ahead and show how it was sounding to my ear for purpose of comparison. * indicates the syllable receiving less stress (but more than unstressed) in the spondees, which is not at all inappropriate.

This is close to how I was reading it. I'm never quite sure if I'm forcing stresses where they shouldn't be or vice versa. LOL

Thanks for your help Mary!
Cathy

up ON / dis COV / ring HOW / to WALK
my LIT / tle MAN / knew HIS / OWN WAY
you'd SCOOP / up EV / ry GRAIN / of SAND
to FIST / in TO / your TI / ny HAND
then SCAT / ter CHAIR / to CHAIR

your THRILL / OUT RAN / mo BIL / i TY
when SEARCH / ing THROUGH / the TOYS in SIGHT
SIDE STEP* / ping DRUMS / and WIK / i UP
you'd AL / WAYS* END / UP* BOT / tom UP
EYES* BRIGHT / with IMP / ish FLAIR

a CAD / ence NOW / dir ECTS / your STEPS
to DIS / tant MIL / i TAR / y DRUMS
whose DEEP / per CUSS / ive RHYTH / ms START
to ECH / o PRIDE / with IN / your HEART
in FIND / ing YOUR / OWN WAY / you DARE

to MARCH / a GAINST / a FOR / eign FOE
with LIB / er TY / in FERV / ent SIGHT
a CROSS / the DES / ert's BLIND / ing SANDS
an M / SIX* TEEN / in AB / le HANDS
EYES* BRIGHT / with FREE / dom's FLARE

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Don, thanks for the info re a Wikiup. So what's a wigwam then?

I would love a beaded belt. I've never seen a poetry merit badge but could soon fix that. Necessity is the mother of invention, after all.

Snow, I like the way you've made it universal, so others can relate to it. And you've certainly applied yourself to correct the metre.

I'm not Snow but thank you anyway! LOL

I notice that the last line of every stanza rhymes. That's a neat trick. It ties them together, and makes it feel finished, especially at the end. Cool.
It also rhymes in every stanza at L3/L4. A couplet, bang in the middle. That's unusual too.

I'm not sure how I came up with the rhyme scheme but I think it reads pretty nicely too! Thanks~

And you have enjambed between S3 and 4. I think you took some pretty significant steps during the course of making this poem, Cathy.

Thanks Kathy! I appreciate you coming back to this~

TaTa~
Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Dunno why I called you Snow. Sorry.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Dunno why I called you Snow. Sorry.

Ahhhh no biggie! Sometimes I have to double-check who's I'm working on because I forgot who's poem I pulled up to crit! LOL I get caught up in a whirl of postings and forget who's is what... or is it what is whose....?? Anyhooo.... I couldn't be mixed up with a better bunch!

Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Cathy and Mary, re Mary's scan: I just wanted to say that's the way I scan it too though I have a little trouble with 'my little man knew his own way.' Putting emphasis on his fixes it, as you have done, Mary, and were one reading it aloud it would be quite natural to say HIS own way ie as opposed to that of others.
But if it was mine I'd be changing it to 'my little fellow knew his way.' The beats are much stronger.

Cathy, you change tense there. (From he to you) Is it like that in your final version? I think you've fixed it. Must go and look.

Oh Cathy, I knew it was you. Of course I did. Just a silly lapse. How could I forget your name???

*** You have fixed it:

Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand

Cool.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Cathy and Mary, re Mary's scan: I just wanted to say that's the way I scan it too though I have a little trouble with 'my little man knew his own way.' Putting emphasis on his fixes it, as you have done, Mary, and were one reading it aloud it would be quite natural to say HIS own way ie as opposed to that of others.
But if it was mine I'd be changing it to 'my little fellow knew his way.' The beats are much stronger.

Cathy, you change tense there. (From he to you) Is it like that in your final version? I think you've fixed it. Must go and look.

Oh Cathy, I knew it was you. Of course I did. Just a silly lapse. How could I forget your name???

ROFL! Yes, how could you forget that name KATHY??

*** You have fixed it:

Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand

Cool.

I've posted what I hope is the final revision (that remains to be seen! LOL). I think the iambics are even better.

Thanks for taking another look!

Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

I apologize for not being active in the beginnings of the growth for this poem. It is a very strong poem and the content and subject is quite heart wrenching, as well as relative to those who have sent, lost or worry daily about their family members over seas...

I have read the various revisions and your latest is nearest to what I consider polished. You've gotten some excellent feedback, this thread is surely an excellent example of workshopping and team work for the good of learning and poetry.

Big Hugs, Liz ...

PS I am keeping your son in my thoughts. Let us know where we can send him cards and things to keep his spirits up.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy,

I apologize for not being active in the beginnings of the growth for this poem. It is a very strong poem and the content and subject is quite heart wrenching, as well as relative to those who have sent, lost or worry daily about their family members over seas...

No apologies necessary Liz!

I changed the 'little man' to 'little one' for that very reason. I wanted others to be able to relate to the poem.

I have read the various revisions and your latest is nearest to what I consider polished. You've gotten some excellent feedback, this thread is surely an excellent example of workshopping and team work for the good of learning and poetry.

I'm pretty happy with it at the moment. As a matter of fact I've sent a copy to Anthony. I hope he likes it!

I got a lot of great feedback. This is the way to do it!

Big Hugs, Liz ...

PS I am keeping your son in my thoughts. Let us know where we can send him cards and things to keep his spirits up.

Thank you Liz! I appreciate that alot. I can post his address in the proper forum for announcements and stuff for anyone who's interested. And thank you!

Hugs,
Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Yes I saw that change and immediately thought that worked well to make it as universal as it could be. That would be great if you could post his address in the announcements forum, I know I would enjoy sending him some funnies and uplifting thoughts, as well as Lauren could send him some pictures she draws or paints! Just give him a heads up who we are so he doesn't think we're some funky weird bunch stalking hm! LOL

Hugs, Liz

Hi Cathy,

I apologize for not being active in the beginnings of the growth for this poem. It is a very strong poem and the content and subject is quite heart wrenching, as well as relative to those who have sent, lost or worry daily about their family members over seas...

No apologies necessary Liz!

I changed the 'little man' to 'little one' for that very reason. I wanted others to be able to relate to the poem.

I have read the various revisions and your latest is nearest to what I consider polished. You've gotten some excellent feedback, this thread is surely an excellent example of workshopping and team work for the good of learning and poetry.

I'm pretty happy with it at the moment. As a matter of fact I've sent a copy to Anthony. I hope he likes it!

I got a lot of great feedback. This is the way to do it!

Big Hugs, Liz ...

PS I am keeping your son in my thoughts. Let us know where we can send him cards and things to keep his spirits up.

Thank you Liz! I appreciate that alot. I can post his address in the proper forum for announcements and stuff for anyone who's interested. And thank you!

Hugs,
Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Your latest revision is nearly there. Perhaps it IS there. I suggest a bit of tidying, though this may not fit your intentions. My 'tidying' is for the sake of relative strength of stresses, for sense, and for ease of reading:


You'd scoop up every grain of sand

Every? 'Every' has to be shortened, 'ev'ry' to fit, and it isn't strictly true, is it? He didn't scoop up EVERY grain of sand, did he. He'd be there forever if he did that. What about

You'd scoop up lots of grains of sand

or something like it.

You'd scoop up bucketsful of sand

for instance.

It should really be 'tiny hands,' too, but that's your choice.


*
Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
and build a fort with tiny hand
to bivouac army soldiers where

your thrill outran mobility
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.

I suggest 'there' instead of 'where.'

Then begin a new sentence:

Your thrill outran mobility
when seeking jeeps in camouflage

Perhaps a semicolon there, after camouflage.

my little one doesn't need to be in ' ...' marks really. In fact you could rewrite that line because it doesn't have to rhyme with anything, so you have freedom to do what you like with it. Like, for instance:

Upon discovering how to walk
my son, you always knew your way

You've made great strides with this, Cathy, and I am proud of you.

Here, for instance, the metre is admirable:


A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums,
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands;
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.

A semicolon after 'drums' would be good, because what follows pertains to, and enlarges on, the sentence before.

Take or leave, Cathy. Yours in the spirit of helpfulness, K

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

Yes I saw that change and immediately thought that worked well to make it as universal as it could be. That would be great if you could post his address in the announcements forum, I know I would enjoy sending him some funnies and uplifting thoughts, as well as Lauren could send him some pictures she draws or paints! Just give him a heads up who we are so he doesn't think we're some funky weird bunch stalking hm! LOL

Hugs, Liz

LOL I'll do that! And thank you!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Your latest revision is nearly there. Perhaps it IS there. I suggest a bit of tidying, though this may not fit your intentions. My 'tidying' is for the sake of relative strength of stresses, for sense, and for ease of reading:

Thanks Kathy!


You'd scoop up every grain of sand

Every? 'Every' has to be shortened, 'ev'ry' to fit, and it isn't strictly true, is it? He didn't scoop up EVERY grain of sand, did he. He'd be there forever if he did that.

A lot of people pronounce 'every' with 2 syllables, including me. That's where I get messed up when it comes to meter. Anyhoo, it wasn't meant to be quite literal... LOL Just an indication that he did scoop up lots of sand. Written that way doesn't work for me though... I don't care for two 'of's so close together. I like the second suggestion although he didn't use a bucket, but who would know right? LOL
What about

You'd scoop up lots of grains of sand

or something like it.

You'd scoop up bucketsful of sand

for instance.

It should really be 'tiny hands,' too, but that's your choice.

Yes it should be... I'll reconsider that. Thanks!


*
Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
and build a fort with tiny hand
to bivouac army soldiers where

your thrill outran mobility
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.

I suggest 'there' instead of 'where.'

Then begin a new sentence:

Your thrill outran mobility
when seeking jeeps in camouflage

That was my original thought... I don't know why I changed it.

You'd scoop up every grain of sand
to build a fort with tiny hand
and bivouac army soldiers there.

Perhaps a semicolon there, after camouflage.

my little one doesn't need to be in ' ...' marks really. In fact you could rewrite that line because it doesn't have to rhyme with anything, so you have freedom to do what you like with it. Like, for instance:

Upon discovering how to walk
my son, you always knew your way

Yes I could... and may yet. It started with 'little man' cause that's what we called him. The 'little one' was intended to make the poem universal so I probably won't use 'son' but that doesn't mean that it can't be changed to something else. I will think on it...

You've made great strides with this, Cathy, and I am proud of you.

Thank you!

Here, for instance, the metre is admirable:


A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums,
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands;
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.

A semicolon after 'steps' would be good, because what follows pertains to, and enlarges on, the sentence before.

Even with line 2 beginning with 'to'? I thought that made it sound like it should run together.

Take or leave, Cathy. Yours in the spirit of helpfulness, K

And it's taken in the spirit that it's given. I appreciate you coming back again and offering further thoughts. You've given me some things to think about that hopefully improve the overall effect of the poem.

Thanks ever so much~
Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Cathy, you caught me! I snuck in and changed it because I'd put the wrong word. It should have been after 'drums'. But you saw it before it got changed. He he. -red face- shuffle, shuffle.

[Eisa]

Wow Cathy -- this has transformed since I last looked at it. Well done -- this is what I call excellent workshopping! Your perseverance has done you proud -- and made us proud of you too.

Momentous Steps

Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
and build a fort with tiny hand
to bivouac army soldiers where

your thrill outran mobility
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.
Sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
your eyes alight with impish flair.

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums,
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands;
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.

I feel this is very good as it stands, but if you want to be pernickety ... there are quite a few you/you'd/you've throughout this (someone once pointed this out in one of mine a while ago) You could perhaps get rid of a couple. The part I notice it most is


your thrill outran mobility
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.
Sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
your eyes alight with impish flair.

A cadence now commands your steps

Good luck if you decide to take this direction.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Wow Cathy - this is really coming along - I came in a bit late.

What a wonderful show of time passing by andhow your son has grown into a fine man, ready to fight for our freedom's causes. You must be so proud!

I have just a few ideas - this is really come quite far already! Please take or toss as you wish.

HUGS
~Cleo


Upon discovering how to walk, (I don’t think you need that comma)
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
and build a fort with tiny hand
to bivouac army soldiers where

your thrill outran mobility (how about: ‘your zest outran mobility’ instead?)
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.
Sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
your eyes alight with impish flair.
Very nice!

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums, (colon?)
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands;
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.
Great ending!

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Cathy, of course it's fine to shorten every. I do it all the time, both in ev'ry-day speech, and when reading poetry. It's one of those words that can have two syllables or one. Likewise 'discov'ring' can have three or four. It's called elision, in poetry. There's no problem in scansion for a considerate reader, though it is frowned on by many at a competitive level.

You're right about the two 'to's, that's why I suggested 'bucket.'

This poem is one to be proud of, and I know your son will be moved when he gets it.

Congratulations!

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

I know that there's a lot of you/your in here. I took some out and then put some back in... LOL I'll have to see what I can do with them!

Thanks for the continued support~

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Wow Cathy - this is really coming along - I came in a bit late.

What a wonderful show of time passing by andhow your son has grown into a fine man, ready to fight for our freedom's causes. You must be so proud!

I am very proud! *smiles*

I have just a few ideas - this is really come quite far already! Please take or toss as you wish.

HUGS
~Cleo


Upon discovering how to walk, (I don’t think you need that comma) Ok... darn punctuation anyway! LOL
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
and build a fort with tiny hand
to bivouac army soldiers where

your thrill outran mobility (how about: ‘your zest outran mobility’ instead?)

A possibility! Thanks~
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.
Sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
your eyes alight with impish flair.
Very nice!

Thank you!

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums, (colon?) Or semi-colon?
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands;
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.
Great ending!

Thanks Lori... and thanks for taking the time to stop in!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Cathy, of course it's fine to shorten every. I do it all the time, both in ev'ry-day speech, and when reading poetry. It's one of those words that can have two syllables or one. Likewise 'discov'ring' can have three or four. It's called elision, in poetry. There's no problem in scansion for a considerate reader, though it is frowned on by many at a competitive level.

I'm not at the competitive level often so I guess I'm ok! ROFL

You're right about the two 'to's, that's why I suggested 'bucket.'

I'm considering that suggestion... too! LOL

This poem is one to be proud of, and I know your son will be moved when he gets it.

Congratulations!

Thanks Kathy!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I've posted a revision and I'd appreciate any further thoughts.

I want to thank everyone who has helped with comments and crits!

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Cathy on your wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you again Lori! LOL There was a lot of great workshopping going on here!

Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

Congratulations on your Wizard Award and the most recent revisions. It is at it's height of perfection. I love how the meter leads me, as if a waltz to the sounds of the various music mentioned within the poem -

This is a winner.

Hugs, Liz ...

PS Yes ... the workshopping in this thread amazed me. It is a prime example of members coming together with their ideas and assistance - in making a strong poem, heroic ...