 Forest Fair -- revised May 9, 2007, Wizard Award ~ Kyrielle Sonnet |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 May 1 07, 19:55
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#21
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 Babylonian  Posts: 83 Joined: 25-March 06 From: Tampa FL (born in New Zealand) Member No.: 153 Writer of: Poetry  |
Very lovely, Don
just one area where you might consider a change: The elves and pixies join in song a harpist trails and plays along I feel this is easier to understand. As already mentioned there's a lovely musical quality to this which fits the theme well. Daniel :) |
  
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| Guest_Don_* |
May 2 07, 07:50
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#22
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Hi Daniel Barlow,
Thanks for an excellent suggestion. A little dabbling reveals you have not posted here at MM since Mar 2006. I wonder if Felony Files remains active and where it is located. Hopefully, you plan to lay some golden poetry eggs in our MM basket. Don |
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May 2 07, 08:46
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#23
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 600 Joined: 14-April 07 From: Texas Hill Country Member No.: 420 Real Name: Mary Boren Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Kathy Earsman |
Beautiful, Don. Immediately brings Mr. Frost's unforgettable classic to mind, and I like the mood it puts me in.
Now, I hate to show my ignorance, but how is bow used in this context? The only bow I know that rhymes with show is drawn by an archer. He'd be right at home in these woods, but I can't see his bow having misty, wispy qualities. I tripped on this line: QUOTE calm crystal streams still trickle slow For one thing, as already noted, the stress on calm is difficult to downplay. Secondly, "crystal streams still" is a tongue-twister. And I'm all for ditching lazy adjectives. If the streams are trickling slow(ly), then you don't need to describe them as calm. I liked gemstone streams better for the stress and imagery, but that's still a lot of s's close together. Crystal fountains would be too cliche, I reckon, and they'd do more than trickle. Lots of ways to play with the line, though, if you see what I mean. The tone of this poem could do with a "yet" ILO "still" here. My only other quibble is over the missing articles in this line: QUOTE on {the} stage of {a} tiny person’s show I see you tend to converse without 'em too, though, so maybe I shouldn't quibble.I enjoyed the poem very much. Mary ·······  ·······Mary Sullivan Boren
Connecting ... Even Yet "There is in all things - a hidden wholeness." -Thomas Merton MM Award Winner      |
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| Guest_Don_* |
May 2 07, 09:45
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#24
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Hello Nada,
You may quibble at will. Yes, I do tend to intentionally drop articles. It is a quirk gained in early days of learning iambic when unaware of promotion/demotion. To say "on a stage" or "on the stage" seems covered with terser "on stage." I consider poetry to be an efficiency of expression and prose to string it forever, like being paid by the syllable. Think of rainbow as a wispy bow. It certainly is misty. Thanks for the dissertation on "calm" and on "Crystal...." Gives one feeding fodder. I've been letting this cute puppy sleep before answering everyone and thanking them for valuable insights toward a better version. My intent is a placid mood rather than an action scene, which must be coming through per your observation. Whose woods are these? I hope not owned by absentee landlord living in town. I don't mind my poem reminding you of Frost's classic, but he added significant contemplation to a simple snowfall. Thanks for certain. Don |
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May 2 07, 10:01
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#25
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Babylonian Posts: 83 Joined: 25-March 06 From: Tampa FL (born in New Zealand) Member No.: 153 Writer of: Poetry |
Hey Don,
I'm familiar with quite a few of the members here and looking to get involved. I'm not sure how many golden eggs I can come up with but I'm always looking to improve. :) |
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May 8 07, 08:13
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#26
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Don,
I've had a handful of poems sitting on my desk waiting for me to get to and this is one of them. I know I am coming in late but this poem had such lovely sounds and thoughts to it, I just couldn't keep from it. Because my time keeps getting drawn away, I am going to get straight to the poem! :) Hugs, Liz QUOTE Forest Fair Good Title. Fitting, simple but adds enough character to draw the reader in! We know the woods of Make Believe where fancies fly and never leave, calm crystal streams still trickle slow below a wispy, misty bow. I love the sounds and how the words create a a flowing image, using small details to create a whole. Perhaps a quick thought on L3. I kept wanting to begin the line with 'still ... still crystal streams oft trickle slow Of course this isnt a nit at all but rather a suggestion that might make a change. The elves and pixies prance along a harpist’s trail of merry song to set the woodland green aglow below a wispy, misty bow. I like the image that this sets in my minds eye. Strong and capturing. I see in my minds eye, little elves and pixies flitting about decorating with enchanting color and gleaming rays of light ... Delight pervades the forest fair as silken wingspans flutter there on stage of tiny person’s show below a wispy, misty bow. We know the woods of Make Believe below a wispy, misty bow. You know this is beautiful and I have found there isn't anything for me to suggest on revision... :) I love this just the way it is... 
······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner      |
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| Guest_Don_* |
May 8 07, 09:20
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#27
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Hi Liz,
I see why your muse has temporarily disappeared. Your imagination is buried under too much on your plate. Actually you are not late because I've intentionally sat on this string of valuable observations. Thank you very much for your insight. Fear not for this will be revised incorporating suggestions within the thread. At present my muse is overflowing. Revisions can wait. Don |
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| Guest_Don_* |
May 9 07, 09:35
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#28
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Hi all,
Revision 02, May 09, 2007 posted in starter thread tile. A sincere thanks to the following members. Suggestions from each have been incorporated to make this work shopped poem extremely acceptable. Aggiel Amethyst Cathy Cleo_Serapis Daniel Barlow JaxMyth Kathy Merlin Nada Lott Psyche Yours truly Don |
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May 9 07, 10:05
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#29
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 600 Joined: 14-April 07 From: Texas Hill Country Member No.: 420 Real Name: Mary Boren Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Kathy Earsman |
 , Don.I would like to see the semicolon at the end of L2 go away, though. -M ······· ·······Mary Sullivan Boren
Connecting ... Even Yet "There is in all things - a hidden wholeness." -Thomas Merton MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Don_* |
May 9 07, 10:20
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#30
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QUOTE (Nada Lott @ May 9 07, 09:05 ) [snapback]95777[/snapback] , Don.I would like to see the semicolon at the end of L2 go away, though. -M Sincerely appreciate your approval. I am debating removal of offending semicolon. The back of my hand remembers being whacked often for too long of sentences. I guess we are out of the age of President Hoover and into super short, "Look, see Jane jump." Reminds me of President Lincoln breaking all the rules at Gettysburg with his unheard of short speech following our greatest orator of the time. Don |
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| Guest_rymster_* |
May 10 07, 09:13
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#31
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Hi Don,
I am new here at Mosaic Musings, so I've chosen this lovely poem to get my feet wet. This is most certainly a keeper, very whimsical and poetic and certainly worthy of the high praise received from other members. You have done an excellent job with the punctuation and syntax in your revision. I see you've avoided the parenthetical set in line one, I was wondering if you'd alter that. I sort of liked the original, but this works as well. I am not familiar with this form of sonnet, so I can't say, definitively, whether this follows the proper intent of the form (ie. the poem should "turn" on the eighth line) as mentioned by another member. I suspect this would be better as a simple stanzic rhyme or perhaps even incorporated into a long ballad. I really see just one minor nit with this revision, that would be the inversion in line three of the second stanza "woodland green aglow". This would be easily fixed by simply swapping green and woodland "green woodland aglow". Also, and this is simply a suggestion for line three of the third stanza, you could replace "person's" with "elfin's" I must say though, all in all, this is one of the better poems I've read here so far and I will be hard pressed to aspire to this level of quality. rymster |
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May 10 07, 17:09
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#32
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
I love the light-hearted spirit of this poem...I see you have changed this line several times...
"to stage a minute elfish show" ...How about "to stage a tiny elfin show" Just a suggestion to use or lose, as they say... Judi ······· ······· |
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| Guest_Don_* |
May 19 07, 18:26
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#33
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Hi Judi,
Thank you for a perfect improvement. Elfin it shall be. Don |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
May 20 07, 06:54
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#34
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Hi Don,
I've enjoyed watching this evolve! Your revisions have really made a difference enhancing the imagery and smoothing out the flow. My only nit is in this stanza... Delight pervades the forest fair as silken wingspans flutter here to stage a minute elfish show below a wispy, misty bow. The rhyme in lines 1 & 2 just don't seem to fit with all the other rhymes. IMO it really doesn't rhyme at all. I thought 'there' sounded better. I also like 'elfin' as someone else suggested. Maybe something like... Delight pervades the forest fair as silken wingspans soon prepare to stage a minute elfin show below a wispy, misty bow. Just something for you to consider! Cathy |
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| Guest_Don_* |
May 20 07, 07:10
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#35
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Thanks Cathy,
Fair/here does not rhyme as you correctly observe. Back to the original: fair/there. Yes, I do intend to use "elfin." Don |
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May 20 07, 14:37
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#36
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Don.
 Two more alternatives for you for that stanza include: Delight pervades the forest peer as silken wingspans flutter here to stage a minute elvin show below a wispy, misty bow. Delight pervades the forest fair as silken wingspans flirt with air (or glide on air) to stage a minute elfin show below a wispy, misty bow. Cheers ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner   |
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| Guest_Don_* |
May 20 07, 14:48
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#37
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Thank you Lori,
Good suggestions to ponder. You do know that you are aiding and abetting the delay of my procrastination. Don |
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May 20 07, 16:03
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#38
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 Nomad Posts: 11 Joined: 24-April 05 From: Massachusetts, USA Member No.: 112 Real Name: Lori Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Cleo_Serapis |
Yeah, I know Don.
 I get that alot myself - so I'm sharing the wealth of procrastination with you!  Cheers ~Cleo ······· ·······"Emotion is the interpreter of all languages." ~ Lorraine Kanter
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| Guest_Don_* |
May 20 07, 16:28
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#39
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Hi Cleopatra,
I copied the following from you know where. "This is really Lori - I wanted to have a member name that does not have the Admin priviledges to better understand the forum board's functions..." This reminds of the "Prince and the Pauper." The fact that the Prince was probably never taken for a pauper due to being washed, brighter teeth, word usage, and general physical bearing makes it a nice fairy tale. It would have been pleasing if my boss had occassionally assumed my duties while I pretended to disappear. I do not know how well the pretense, but a 110% effort might have pulled it off. :) Don :) |
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May 20 07, 17:43
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#40
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 331 Joined: 7-March 07 From: Oz Member No.: 408 Writer of: Poetry Referred By:IBPC participant list |
QUOTE (Don @ Apr 1 07, 02:35 ) [snapback]93745[/snapback] -------Revision 02----posted May 09, 2007-----\
Hi Don, The only query I would have with this delightful revision is L3 S1 'and crystal streams yet twinkle snow' The meaning is not clear. Regards, Jax Forest Fair We know the woods of Make Believe where fancies fly and never leave; and crystal streams yet twinkle snow below a wispy, misty bow. The elves and pixies join in song, a trailing harpist plays along, and sets the woodland green aglow below a wispy, misty bow. Delight pervades the forest fair as silken wingspans flutter here to stage a minute elfish show below a wispy, misty bow. We know the woods of Make Believe below a wispy, misty bow. © 2007, D.E. Holmes 09 May Form: Kyrielle Sonnet Meter: Iambic tetrameter Rhyme Scheme: AabB ccbB ddbB AB -------Revision 01----posted April 28, 2007----- Forest Fair We know the woods of Make Believe where fancies fly and never leave, calm crystal streams still trickle slow below a wispy, misty bow. The elves and pixies prance along a harpist’s trail of merry song to set the woodland green aglow below a wispy, misty bow. Delight pervades the forest fair as silken wingspans flutter there on stage of tiny person’s show below a wispy, misty bow. We know the woods of Make Believe below a wispy, misty bow. © 2007, D.E. Holmes 05 April Form: Kyrielle Sonnet Meter: Iambic tetrameter Rhyme Scheme: AabB ccbB ddbB AB ---------Original------------------ Forest Fair In woods, we know as Make Believe, where fancies fly and never leave; and gemstone streams still trickle slow below a wispy, misty bow. The elves and pixies prance along on merry trail of harpist song, which wafts throughout the green aglow, below a wispy, misty bow. Delight pervades palatial fair as silken wingspans flutter there to stage prodigious forest show below a wispy, misty bow. In woods, we know as Make Believe, below a wispy, misty bow. © 2007, D.E. Holmes 30 March Form: Kyrielle Sonnet Meter: Iambic tetrameter Rhyme Scheme: AabB ccbB ddbB AB ······· ······· |
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