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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Dec 17 06, 14:45
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry  |
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Dec 17 06, 15:13
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,720 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
WOW!!!
I don't know what else to say, Cyn. Each line says what it has to say and builds in a crescendo and decrescendo and ends in a profound understatement. There is also so much woven into the words and between the lines. I'm envious, ya know! Powerful stuff! deLightin' to know you... and hoping you and yours have been spared from those howling winds and seething mud and snow... Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
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Dec 19 06, 01:23
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#3
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
Thanks Daniel
This was an assignment from the Poetry class I am taking. To take a tragedy found in the paper and write about it as if you were there. I still ended up keeping my distance I guess as I did not have it happen to me, but it was an interesting exercise, to step out of your own self a bit. I may end up redoing it and making myself one of the two women instead of a neighbor. We'll see, but I am glad you liked it and it works OK as is. ······· ······· |
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Dec 26 06, 01:22
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#4
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 Nomad Posts: 11 Joined: 3-October 06 Member No.: 276 Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
as a suggestion, you could tighten or condense this more, and use less cliche phrases and syntax.
······· ·······The man who never in his mind and thoughts travel'd to heaven is no artist. ~William Blake
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Dec 26 06, 13:06
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#5
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
where is it cliched? Other than the newspaper report which is supposed to be, because they always are.
When critiquing here, it is helpful to the person you are critiquing to point out where you are having trouble with it. Otherwise your statement does not help the writer. I look forward to having you spend a bit of time with this to help me with it. Thanks ······· ······· |
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Jan 16 07, 06:52
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#6
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hello Cyn
I think this is a very powerful piece of work! You may like to write another poem from a personal point of view but, this one is excellent! There are a torrent of words which rush over us and leave us quite bewildered and drowning, too. I felt so sorry they went back for their photos. Photos are so important to people. Interesting that photos - images from the past, cost them their future? Sad. Excellent choice of words: the water, like a thief, broke in through the windows, sucked in Well done. Extremely successful exercise! PP ······· ······· |
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Jan 21 07, 19:02
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#7
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Cyn.
What a killer poem! I'm glad I stopped in for a read - this one's very poignant and lingering.  I only have a few suggestions for you to ponder below. Enjoyed! ~Cleo  their roots holding on with {useless} [futile, filthy] {dirty} fingers. When the uphill ground gave way a torrent of mud and water roared down the street like a sluice, the slurry of debris swept up like panner’s gold. *** Great simile! & The howling [howls] unceasing, wild and beastly, ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner      |
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Jan 23 07, 18:21
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#8
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
Thanks PP, yes it was a moving story when I read it and felt compelled to use it for the exercise/assignment.
Cleo I like your suggestions for howls, but I am not sure if the triple alliteration with fingers does not feel too over the top. I will try it on and live with it a bit. Thanks Cyn ······· ······· |
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