 Tart! ~ When you've had it! [ Revised 10/18 ], nonet (advertisement) |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Poetry Exhibition -> Plato's Pearls of Wisdom  |
 Oct 14 06, 09:06
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 18,700 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
This one will never be published, but I still welcome casual suggestions for imporvement:
Tart! When you’ve had it! You’ve searched for a brew to be quenching your afternoon thirst for sweet-sour that’s frothy, with no wrenching rich, bubbly, fruit—power? Want smooth and creamy yet full of heart not dreamy? Chug a Tart ! © MLee Dickens’son 13 Oct 2006 ___________________ A D V E R T I S E M E N T ___________________ I've invented an alcoholic beverage ~ Tart! ~ that not only tastes great, but also improves a guy's ability to be a FED-UP MAN. This is my promo for my new beverage utilizing these key words: bubbly smooth sweet tart quenching sour frothy fruit rich creamy Original: L4 ~ rich, bubbly, fruity power? 1st Revision: L4 ~ rich, bubbly, fruity pow'r? ·······  ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
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Oct 16 06, 17:08
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Daniel, I like what you've done with this one and if as you say you'd like some suggestions, I feel the best place for it would be Herme's. Why not give it a try as this is not really a critiquing forum.
Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner        |
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Oct 16 06, 18:48
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#3
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
HAHAAA... Wonderfully Written, and so deliciously delightful! Daniel, I think your Ad for a FED UP man could be pushed through out Florida...
 There's a lot of non manly men here, looking really fed up! LOL Hugs, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
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Oct 16 06, 19:37
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#4
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Well done Daniel with this month's Pandora challenge'!
 I think though you might have one extra beat here: rich, bubbly, fruity power? [shouldn't this line have 6 syllables?] My Q for this one: is the 'power' enabled 'fruity'? Cheers ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner  |
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Oct 18 06, 15:48
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#5
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,700 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Eisa @ Oct 16 06, 18:08 )  Hi Daniel, I like what you've done with this one, and if as you say you'd like some suggestions, I feel the best place for it would be Herme's. Why not give it a try as this is not really a critiquing forum. Snow Of course I know that, Snow... and I'm not looking for critique. I'm really satisfied with this as merely a novelty piece for the sake of practice, as some fun pieces are. This is not the sort of 'work' that could be utilized in any collection of poems. I'm only letting folks know if they see something more, just let me know, whether here or privately. Again, I don't consider this to be a serious piece, and therefore am not posting it for critique. deLighting in your oversight, Daniel 
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Oct 18 06, 15:50
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#6
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,700 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Oct 16 06, 19:48 ) HAHAAA... Wonderfully written, and so deliciously delightful! Daniel, I think your Ad for a FED UP man could be pushed through out Florida... There's a lot of non manly men here, looking really fed up! LOL Hugs, Liz Thanks, Liz. It was really fun to put this one together... and several of my co-workers got a kick out of it... and one of them is what some folks here would call a real 'tart'  -- and a very good friend whose paper for a graduate class I'm about to 'edit' for her!  deLightin' to share, Daniel
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
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Oct 18 06, 16:00
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#7
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,700 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct 16 06, 20:37 ) Well done Daniel with this month's Pandora challenge'! I think though you might have one extra beat here: rich, bubbly, fruity power? [shouldn't this line have 6 syllables?] You're quite right, Lori. I ALWAYS debate whether to use the apostrophe or not when I want to distinguish how I intend a word to be READ (as to syllables). As you know, some folks say not to, and other folks say to do it. I think, however, in THIS case, I SHOULD include the apostrophe, since a nonet is PURELY a syllabic poem. Though there is no rhyme requirement, I've used rhyme, and in this case, power rhyme with sour... which of course some folks pronounce with two syllables though I count only one, at least here.  My Q for this one: is the 'power' enabled 'fruity'? Good question! But haven't you ever been overPOWered by the taste of a particular fruit in a drink? And have you not seen commercials about a BURST of lime or somesuch?  Cheers~Cleo see now... you've got be Lightly sTARTed!  deLighting in your response, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
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Oct 18 06, 19:45
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#8
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 Babylonian Posts: 80 Joined: 3-August 04 From: Richfield, Utah Member No.: 74 Writer of: Poetry |
Had to do a double take on the title to make sure it didn't say Phart..........
 If I get fed up, I may have to try one of them "Tarts" Cheers......... WRITE ON!! ······· ·······Jim AKA Rapid-Fire Publisher/Editor of WRITE ON!! Poetry Magazette
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Oct 26 06, 16:41
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#9
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,250 Joined: 2-August 03 From: USA Member No.: 7 Writer of: Poetry |
Hello Daniel,
You have done a delicious job of appealing to all of the senses. :) I love the shape of the glass too! Quite refreshing.  Well, tarty-tart tart! Cheers! Lindi ······· ·······"Imagination is more important than knowledge and encircles the world"
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Dec 3 06, 05:35
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#10
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This is FUN as all good poetry should be Daniel. You made your case I would buy such a brew
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